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A teenager in denial

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This thread is now closed. Please contact Anna DUK, Ieva DUK or everydayupsanddowns if you would like it re-opened.
P

Pitstop

New Member
Hi, this is my first post. I would be interested to hear from anyone who is T1 themselves who can remember being , or has an angry teenager in denial. I have 17 yr old son who has for the past 2 years really struggled to accept his condition. Diagnosed at 12 years. I support him relentlessly, but at a respectful distance, I make his lunches, write the carb values down & likewise for evening meals & breakfast & he ignores it. He is secretive about injecting at home, so I never really know if hes done it, he lies about bolusing and makes up BG numbers when I ask how its going. I’ve tried every approach, he just will not own it. He has a great support team at the hospital & sees a psychotherapist, everyone around him is there to help him do it his way ...Ive spent the day mopping his brow through a bad stomach upset and am currently getting up in the night every 2 hours to blood / keytone test. The results have been ok considering & with a bit of correcting can be reigned in. Having just done a test he needed a small correction, but then ensued a totally irrational situation where he said he’d ‘lost’ his pen... I went to find another one, when I came back he said hed found it & done the correction....I know he was lying and challeneged him at which point he flew into a range. I am now doubting his test resluts & corrections throughout the day as I didnt ask to look at them on the monitor. I found another pen & asked him to inject while I was there, which he did, but with so much venom towards me. Its 2.15 am & I am so distraught I’ve sought help..... can someone tell me as a parent or a person who has been there, how to deal with this... I’ve tried backing off for periods of time, Ive tried cajaoling him, Ive got him extra support from the professionals, Ive been good cop & bad cop... Ive now run out of ideas & I hate to say it , but I dont like him ..... part of that Im sure is the natural ebb & flow of teenager & mum.....I even feel guilty coming on here , as if its all about me. He’s had so much to deal with , his dad died after 5 years of cancer when he was 9, thats just about 8 years ago and selfishly I’m now ready to get on with my life but cant because I know hes so needy, its a terrible thing to say but I really resent his diabetes as much as he does. I just need someone to say this is all normal...... & give me some hope that it will change .
Thanks for reading this, even that helps..... better get my amour on for the next blood test in a few minutes.....
 
Sorry I’m type 2 but I do have a 16yr old so can relate to how hard work teens can be even without diabetes. I’m sure a type 1 will be along to offer help and advice. I really hope you get the help you need.
 
Hello and welcome @Pitstop 🙂

I'm sorry to hear what a challenging,upsetting time you're having.

I was diagnosed at the same age as your son a few decades before and I know what a challenging time it is for everyone concerned. Growing up through puberty, then wanting to become more independent, adding alcohol into the mix etc and all the while there's diabetes trailing along beside you getting in the way and -as I saw it -my Mum going on about my control. It is a perfectly normal situation and reaction to having a lifelong condition at the same time as all the other things changing in your life. I found changing from paediatric clinic to adult diabetes clinics really tough as they were more blunt with me about where I was heading however, that did focus my mind and make me realise that it was up to me to care for myself. This is a useful read. https://www.diabetes.org.uk/guide-to-diabetes/teens/me-and-my-diabetes/transition-to-adult-clinics

What are his HbA1c results like? Is he managing better than you think? What advice have his team given him? I know when I was going through such an unhappy, rebellious time I really just wanted someone to listen to me about how unfair I felt it all was and how difficult control can be when you are a mass of teenage hormones. Can you talk to him about something positive he wants to do such as learning to drive where he needs good control and glucose records to get started and gain independence?

The Diabetes UK helpline are very helpful for support. https://www.diabetes.org.uk/how_we_help/helpline

He will get through such an angry time and will emerge to a calmer place. It took me a few years and I think my parents breathed a sigh of relief when I left home for university. Looking back I wish I had had got some friends with T1 who I could have chatted to as I thought everyone else had got perfect control yet somehow I was the only one struggling so badly. It took the internet to be invented before I had a light bulb moment and realised everyone struggles with their control because running your insulin supply around the clock is seriously hard work.

I don't have a magic answer but things will improve over time. it is just a very challenging period when you start to push the boundaries as much as you can. I wish you well and hope things start to calm down for you all. 🙂
 
So sorry to hear about the difficulties you and your son are having @Pitstop, it sounds like you are both having a really rough time. It is very clear that you care deeply for your son and want to support him in the very best way you can, but diabetes is a very difficult condition to live with at times, and sometimes we lash out against those we love.

It almost feels like what you need is some sort of diabetes-family relationship counselling, as it feels like quite a lot of trust has broken down in your relationship.

I'm not sure how possible it would be for you to have an honest open convesation with him (perhaps with an impartial trusted friend/family member to help you talk through any sticky points calmly) so that you can let him know your worries, but that importantly he is able to express his feelings and share with you how he feels about the help you are offering.

As @Flower suggests, it would be interesting to know whether his clinic are cincerned about his overall management at the moment - what his HbA1c is, and whether that indicates that he is actually doing OK and is dosing regularly and appropriately, or may be deliberately omitting insulin which would obviously be a significant cause for concern.

It may be that he appreciates what you are doing far more than he shows. His reactions to you wanting hime to dose in front of you may be more about your doubt that he is doing what he says, than anything else. Additionally of course, if his blood glucose is erratic or elevated, this can have a significant negative impact on mood, self esteem, and provoke frustration, anger, rage and depression. So in a sense it may not be him that you are struggling with, but his diabetes which is making him behave negatively toward you.

It may not be much comfort, but from what I can see teenage rebellion is very normal. Many people really go 'off the rails' for a period, before learning to live with their diabetes more happily. Of course you want this to happen as soon as possible, and for there to be no long-lasting effects from his current struggling and what you feel in unacceptance of his diabetes.

I really hope you both find a way to talk this through. For you to understand how he wants you to support him, and for him to understand how much you are, and that you are not 'nagging all the time' but actively trying to help him get through this difficult time.
 
Sending you a hug Pitstop- I've been through the teenage stresses but not with added D. Being a parent sometimes (well mostly LOL) is TOUGH but worth it. Hoping it all gets sorted in his head soon.
 
I'm not sure if these will be any help at all, but here are some links to teenage/young people resources and blog posts that might give you or him a sense of less isolation?

Video resources for any by young people: https://www.t1resources.uk/resources/item/type1uncut/
Combatting diabetes burnout in teens: https://www.t1resources.uk/resources/item/diabetes-burnout-in-teens-8-top-tips/
No more nagging, blog by a teenager: https://www.t1resources.uk/resources/item/no-more-nagging-pancreasless-and-proud-blog/
 
HOBIE said:
Can you persuade him to wear a Libre. It would give 2 weeks info 24hs a day. Make it his idea & good luck. Kids ?
Click to expand...

Hi Hobie, Thank you for this, he has used the libre in the past & I always have a couple in stock for him, but he says theyre too invasive and I think he feels its just an easier way of recieving bad news if his bloods are high. I cant get him to see that thats a good thing and its not ‘bad’ news...its just ‘news’ that he can change.
 
everydayupsanddowns said:
I'm not sure if these will be any help at all, but here are some links to teenage/young people resources and blog posts that might give you or him a sense of less isolation?

Video resources for any by young people: https://www.t1resources.uk/resources/item/type1uncut/
Combatting diabetes burnout in teens: https://www.t1resources.uk/resources/item/diabetes-burnout-in-teens-8-top-tips/
No more nagging, blog by a teenager: https://www.t1resources.uk/resources/item/no-more-nagging-pancreasless-and-proud-blog/
Click to expand...
Thanks for this I will look into these links. Ive given him all sorts of info & we’ve gone to various clubs & actvities etc but he hates the ‘I’m in the diabetic club’ thing & wont go back.....
 
everydayupsanddowns said:
So sorry to hear about the difficulties you and your son are having @Pitstop, it sounds like you are both having a really rough time. It is very clear that you care deeply for your son and want to support him in the very best way you can, but diabetes is a very difficult condition to live with at times, and sometimes we lash out against those we love.

It almost feels like what you need is some sort of diabetes-family relationship counselling, as it feels like quite a lot of trust has broken down in your relationship.

I'm not sure how possible it would be for you to have an honest open convesation with him (perhaps with an impartial trusted friend/family member to help you talk through any sticky points calmly) so that you can let him know your worries, but that importantly he is able to express his feelings and share with you how he feels about the help you are offering.

As @Flower suggests, it would be interesting to know whether his clinic are cincerned about his overall management at the moment - what his HbA1c is, and whether that indicates that he is actually doing OK and is dosing regularly and appropriately, or may be deliberately omitting insulin which would obviously be a significant cause for concern.

It may be that he appreciates what you are doing far more than he shows. His reactions to you wanting hime to dose in front of you may be more about your doubt that he is doing what he says, than anything else. Additionally of course, if his blood glucose is erratic or elevated, this can have a significant negative impact on mood, self esteem, and provoke frustration, anger, rage and depression. So in a sense it may not be him that you are struggling with, but his diabetes which is making him behave negatively toward you.

It may not be much comfort, but from what I can see teenage rebellion is very normal. Many people really go 'off the rails' for a period, before learning to live with their diabetes more happily. Of course you want this to happen as soon as possible, and for there to be no long-lasting effects from his current struggling and what you feel in unacceptance of his diabetes.

I really hope you both find a way to talk this through. For you to understand how he wants you to support him, and for him to understand how much you are, and that you are not 'nagging all the time' but actively trying to help him get through this difficult time.
Click to expand...
 
Hi & thank you for hour comments & help.

The hospital team are concerned at his elevated HbA1c and have been for some time...... if his Hb was ok , I wouldnt be here doing this.
I have had contact with the team over the last couple days & have his specialist nurse coming out for a home visit next week. We are very lucky in that respect.
We have always had an open and honest relationship having gone though the death of his dad we are very close, which makes this all the harder as he has just shut down. Yes, I m sure there are issues around that too and he discusses this with the therapist at the clinic as theres thing he cannot talk to me about as Im too close.
I would never ask him to inject in front of me, as I said I support him at a respectful distance, but I am concerned that he is not doing it openly anymore, this along with his Hb levels ( between 78 - 90 ) leads me to believe he’s just not doing it.
Ive enlisted a good friend ( his dads best mate & would be guardian ) to speak with him on occasion, but it really doesnt make the slightest difference. Unfortunatley our nearest family is 200 miles away.
I also worry that people who dont understand the condition will put him on a big guilt trip which will make things worse. His mentor at work is also T1, he’s keeping an eye on him but knows hes not carb counting or bolusing at work......I dont want him to think’big brother’ is watching him all the time... but he wont ‘chat’ to anyone about it ..diabetic or not.
He has a libre to hand , he’s been on an omni pod , both of which worked well, but he felt they were too invasive.......I will have a look at those links... Thank you.
 
Flower said:
Hello and welcome @Pitstop 🙂

I'm sorry to hear what a challenging,upsetting time you're having.

I was diagnosed at the same age as your son a few decades before and I know what a challenging time it is for everyone concerned. Growing up through puberty, then wanting to become more independent, adding alcohol into the mix etc and all the while there's diabetes trailing along beside you getting in the way and -as I saw it -my Mum going on about my control. It is a perfectly normal situation and reaction to having a lifelong condition at the same time as all the other things changing in your life. I found changing from paediatric clinic to adult diabetes clinics really tough as they were more blunt with me about where I was heading however, that did focus my mind and make me realise that it was up to me to care for myself. This is a useful read. https://www.diabetes.org.uk/guide-to-diabetes/teens/me-and-my-diabetes/transition-to-adult-clinics

What are his HbA1c results like? Is he managing better than you think? What advice have his team given him? I know when I was going through such an unhappy, rebellious time I really just wanted someone to listen to me about how unfair I felt it all was and how difficult control can be when you are a mass of teenage hormones. Can you talk to him about something positive he wants to do such as learning to drive where he needs good control and glucose records to get started and gain independence?

The Diabetes UK helpline are very helpful for support. https://www.diabetes.org.uk/how_we_help/helpline

He will get through such an angry time and will emerge to a calmer place. It took me a few years and I think my parents breathed a sigh of relief when I left home for university. Looking back I wish I had had got some friends with T1 who I could have chatted to as I thought everyone else had got perfect control yet somehow I was the only one struggling so badly. It took the internet to be invented before I had a light bulb moment and realised everyone struggles with their control because running your insulin supply around the clock is seriously hard work.

I don't have a magic answer but things will improve over time. it is just a very challenging period when you start to push the boundaries as much as you can. I wish you well and hope things start to calm down for you all. 🙂
Click to expand...
 
Hi Flower, Thank you for this.
HIs Hb has not been good for some time & the hospital are concerned, they are keeping him back from adult services for a bit to see if he can pull it togegther.
Interesting you mentionned the driving, he has money for a car & lessons. Ive sat with him to look at cars & we’ve been to see a few , but he’s got no enthusiasm for it at all... I think he worries that he’ll get stopped & cant proove hes tested before a journey and its just another big responsibility on his shoulders. It seems he’d rather go without than make a change. Your response and insight having been a T1 teenager was really helpful, thank you.
 
I think the sooner the better he gets on the Adult diabetes team the better. Other T1 patients will give him tips from a patients point. Good luck🙂. (I have been T1 since 1966. It is hard work in lots of ways)
 
Hi.

I agree with Hobie, this doesn tsound like a childhood issue now, even if he is a child still hes on the edge of adulthood and will feel more grown up than he is, I know I did then.

What a horrible place he must be in, in his head. Sounds like you are doing above and beyond to help him. He is lucky to have you. Do not feel guilty! Nothing wrong with asking for help, or just getting this off your chest. You are doing great, but I don't think its about that.

To me it sounds like his issue in his head is worse than the issue with his diabetes. I think he needs serious help with how he feels about himself and you. Is this self harm rather than deniel?

I was 16 when I was diagnosed and mature and sensible, my parents where lucky in that they never even needed to inject me, test my levels. Mum couldn't spot a hypo until it was very bad, even now. I have always had to look after myself completely. And I am glad about this, its all down to me, I havent had anyone else ever drop the ball with it, just me.

There isn't a cure and the only thing we can do is our best with it to get ourselves to a ripe old age.

As everydayupsanddowns suggested some sort of mediated chat between you both.

Perhaps asking him if he wants your help with it anymore, or if he wants to go it alone? I cannot imagine how hard it is for you to watch him treat himself like this, but at some point he will have to look after himself and ,maybe whilst he thinks it is on you he wont realise it. You know the prove you can be trusted, smart and as grown up as you think you are, prove my concerns wrong. Show me you are as grown up as you think you, that you want the day where he can handle this on his own as much as he does.

Good look. And I repeat that you are doing the best you can, and I would have loved even 20% of this support at his age (maybe even now). xx
 
Gosh @Pitstop, you must be exhausted.

Like @Flower, I was diagnosed at the same age as your son. Different time and different issues. Not so many tests and injections. I do remember not wanting to be different to any of my friends, but knowing I was.

I think no matter how much of a supportive loving home today's teenagers have, the outside pressure from other teenagers, the education system, social media, magazines etc is huge...and your son has certainly had extra added challenges to deal with at a young age.

There's been so much good advice already. I think @PhoebeC and @HOBIE make a good point regarding the adult clinic. After the initial nervousness of "moving up" I did feel more grown up.

Away from diabetes, as a mum, i do appreciate the challenges of teenagers and fortunately in our house we've all come out the other side, as I'm sure you will. I think as mums we say something we think is supportive / caring / helpful / inquisitive, trying to get the balance right, but a teenager will just hear whatever we say as nagging.

I wonder if you've thought of writing a letter to your son. A friend of mine is about to try this with her 18yr old daughter. A daughter who doesn't want to talk about her difficulties, but will occasionally say things in text form to her mum. Tell your son how much you love him, how you are always there to support him, how you care about him, how proud you are of him, how you want the best for him....as his mum you always will, but as a mum you are wired to worry. Sometimes it's easier for people to read these things without having to give an immediate response and can read whenever and as often as he wants to.

I'm sure your son knows how lucky he is to have you as his mum, he's just having difficulty in showing you. Best of luck.
 
Please tell your son "I would employ any T1 with the right attitude". They are real survivors !
 
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