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So unhappy

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Natalie123

Natalie123

Well-Known Member
Relationship to Diabetes
Type 1
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She/They
Hi,

I am not feeling good at the moment, feeling really down and panicky. To be honest I just want to give up on everything, I am hating my phd, its just not for me and my life just feels rubbish and I want to run away from it all. The only thing keeping me here is that I need the money and don't want to worry my Mum and my boyfriend. I had the same feelings nearly a year ago. I started on citalopram (30mg) to treat anxiety disorder. It helped a lot for a while, I am now on 30mg and hoped to come off them soon but now I feel like I have slipped back to the very beginning again. I don't want more drugs, I feel like I am falling apart and can't cope with life. I just don't know what to do, I wish I could quit my work but I will have no money, it wont look good when I am looking for a new job and I will be letting everyone at work down.

Sorry about the rant, I just had to talk to people who understand
 
Sounds like all the pressures are getting to you Natalie :( Is there anyone you can talk to about your Phd and your concerns about it? Don't live your life worrying about pleasing other people, I'm sure the ones who love you would support you if they knew how you feel. I hope things improve soon for you 🙂
 
I'm not sure who I can talk to really. My supervisors will obviously talk me in to staying. My Mum was against me doing a phd in the first place because of my anxiety so she will try to talk me into leaving and going to stay with them for a bit (which I don't want to do because I will miss my boyfriend which will make things worse). My friends don't really understand because to them the phd is very important (they are all studying too). My close school friends are in the US or Canada!
 
O Natalie sorry to hear that you are feeling so down.

You need to let your Mum and boyfriend know how you are feeling about your phd. Discussing this with them will hopefully stop you feeling so anxious.
 
Natalie123 said:
I'm not sure who I can talk to really. My supervisors will obviously talk me in to staying. My Mum was against me doing a phd in the first place because of my anxiety so she will try to talk me into leaving and going to stay with them for a bit (which I don't want to do because I will miss my boyfriend which will make things worse). My friends don't really understand because to them the phd is very important (they are all studying too). My close school friends are in the US or Canada!
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Are you hating it because you have lost interest in the subject, or because you are finding it more difficult than you expected? Is there a possibility of deferring it, perhaps? How much longer do you have to go?
 
Northerner said:
Are you hating it because you have lost interest in the subject, or because you are finding it more difficult than you expected? Is there a possibility of deferring it, perhaps? How much longer do you have to go?
Click to expand...

I am nearly 2 years into it, and I have 3 years of funding so I should finish in Oct 2012. I think I have lost some interest in the subject and things have not been very sucessful so far. I also find the environment full of critisism and very little support. I guess I have also found other interests, I have realised that I don't want to work in research, I want to work with people, I am thinking about teaching, working with children with learning difficulties, disability support or perhaps social care.
 
Natalie123 said:
I am nearly 2 years into it, and I have 3 years of funding so I should finish in Oct 2012. I think I have lost some interest in the subject and things have not been very sucessful so far. I also find the environment full of critisism and very little support. I guess I have also found other interests, I have realised that I don't want to work in research, I want to work with people, I am thinking about teaching, working with children with learning difficulties, disability support or perhaps social care.
Click to expand...

It's not unusual for your interests and priorities to change at your age - the very process of doing your Phd may have made you more reflective of how your life has been going and discovering that you have talents and interests that perhpas hadn't quite clarified themselves in the past. I read a really good book that helps you determine what kind of person you are, what your strengths and weaknesses are, and the type of work you would be happiest and best at. It's called What Next, by Dr Barbara Moses - looks like there are some cheap second-hand copies on amazon, might be worth reading to help you identify areas that might help you in deciding.
 
Northerner said:
It's not unusual for your interests and priorities to change at your age - the very process of doing your Phd may have made you more reflective of how your life has been going and discovering that you have talents and interests that perhpas hadn't quite clarified themselves in the past. I read a really good book that helps you determine what kind kind of person you are, what your strengths and weaknesses are, and the type of work you would be happiest and best at. It's called What Next, by Dr Barbara Moses - looks like there are some cheap second-hand copies on amazon, might be worth reading to help you identify areas that might help you in deciding.
Click to expand...

Thanks Alan, I will have a look at that, they might even have a copy in the library
 
Natalie sorry to hear how you are feeling.... Can I suggest you ask to get some counselling as something like cbt might help your thought processes...also it might be that the citalopram needs it's dose raising for a while to help you through your low, or even changing drug...(I am also on it but was on something else for a number of years), it doesn't need to be forever but to get you through the stress of where you are at at the moment... Also over the next few weeks whack up your exercise as the endorphins will help....
How long have u been feeling like this about your phd? If it's months then I might suggest you think long and hard, if not then give it some time and keep plugging away....
Sending u a big hug x
 
I'm sorry you're not feeling so good. At least you were able to tell us how you feel, so I hope that has helped. I hope things improve and you feel better soon
 
Hope you feel better soon Natalie.

M
 
hi Natalie you've got to make the decisions that are best for you. It is completely natural to want to quit a PhD at this stage. I spent the last eighteen months of my PhD genuinely wanting to quit every day and I Came very close to giving it up not helped by the fact that I had recently left an abusive marriage, was paying a mortgage on my own so that Susie had somewhere to live, had basically been told that I had no chance of getting the PhD, was juggling up to four part time jobs, had little time to see my family who thought that the PhD wasn't worth the stress and I wasn't feeling very well but..........I kept at it and, I really don't know how, passed the viva with no amendments. Staying with the PhD studies was the best thing that I did because it gave me options once I finished for these reasons I hope that you keep at completing your PhD whilst thinking about the options open to you afterwards, which could include teacher training or whatever you want
 
Sorry to hear your feeling down Natalie, I do hope you get to talk to someone soon, and that things get better for you shortly. It's always better to talk out your problems with someone, they often give you a different persepctive on things and it may not be as bad as you thought. whatever you do, do something, don't just 'hope it gets better' . and we are all here, too.. wishing you well!!!
 
hi natalie,

i can only imagine how difficult it is to be juggling a phd and the emotional strain of diabetes at the same time. i am doing an MA at the moment, and it has been a real struggle staying focused on my work. reading is one thing, but when it comes to writing and all the thinking that goes into that it, a hard enough pursuit when you are fighting fit, with the heavy heart that comes with diabetes it is truly a mission. prior to diagnoses, i had also considered going on to do a phd, but that plan has been subject to a re-think for the exact same reasons u find yourself pondering over now. the learning and cultivation of the mind that is supposed to take place when one studies is much easier when that mind is settled and at peace with the world.

its difficult to know what to suggest really. i can totally relate to wanting to quit the phd and refocusing efforts on other things. but then i am fairly certain u will feel pretty pleased to earn the doctorate in the end. it is quite an achievement, and u could come to regret not following through later in life.

either way, good luck to u in your contemplations.
 
Thanks everyone for your kind comments. Lillies - I have been feeling this way for about a year now, maybe a bit more. The thoughts of quitting were put to the back of my mind while the citalopram was working, but now it is all bothering me again! I find it very hard to motivate myself to get into the lab as I spend a lot of time walking around which makes me feel rubbish, I guess that doesn't help!

I am thinking about taking a couple of weeks off as holiday next week as I was thinking about going away soon anyway. I am planning to go camping so hopefully will get some exercise too which will help. If anyone has any campsite recommendations for Devon please let me know!! I'm also getting a new hair cut tomorrow - I decided I needed a change 😱
 
I'm not sure about your university, but most universities offer individual counselling and cognitative behaviour therapy (CBT) services, which are separate from academic staff. Some services also offer courses such as "work block" or "relaxation".

So, please don't give up your PhD before you've explored all the options.

Regarding campsites in Devon, I can't help directly, but have found this website good for finding campsites in other areas: http://www.ukcampsite.co.uk/
 
Natalie123 said:
Hi,

I am not feeling good at the moment, feeling really down and panicky. To be honest I just want to give up on everything, I am hating my phd, its just not for me and my life just feels rubbish and I want to run away from it all. The only thing keeping me here is that I need the money and don't want to worry my Mum and my boyfriend. I had the same feelings nearly a year ago. I started on citalopram (30mg) to treat anxiety disorder. It helped a lot for a while, I am now on 30mg and hoped to come off them soon but now I feel like I have slipped back to the very beginning again. I don't want more drugs, I feel like I am falling apart and can't cope with life. I just don't know what to do, I wish I could quit my work but I will have no money, it wont look good when I am looking for a new job and I will be letting everyone at work down.

Sorry about the rant, I just had to talk to people who understand
Click to expand...

Dear Natalie Sorry to read about your problems, you must be feeling pretty rubish at the moment. I am taking Citalapram, I started taking it in November I had a bit of a meltdown and I am still taking them.
I know how you feel with things getting on top of you and there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel. I hope things will get better for you. take care of yourself with love and best wishes Sheena x
 
Hi Natalie

Can I ask how's your diabetes control been like?

If it's been out of kilter then this can impact on how you are feeling and can turn niggles into problems, and make small problems feel like they are major and the rolling stone gathering moss as it goes.. Pehaps a work with your diabetic team also may be useful...

I would also speak to your doctor concerning your present medication, it may be that it needs a short term adjustment or perhaps a bit of counselling with help without having to increase or change medication! It woud certainly give you the oppotunity to discuss your situation and feelings with an impartial person..

As to your Phd you say that your are due to finish this next year, which isn't that far off be here quicker than you expect, I wonder whether you could look at what anual leave you have, so that you can plan holiday/breaks spaced out to the end of your Phd, so that at any point of time you not far off being able to take time out to chill...

Taking some time out now, and going to camping sounds a great idea indeed, as to campsites depends what sort of camping you do, Devon is too near to home from me camping wise as I live in Somerset! But I can tell you of a brillient campsite that I love going to in the New Forest just outside Lynnhurst called Denny Wood that is if you idea of camping is the same as mine! As Denny wood has nothing but fresh water tap, rubbish bin and a chemical waste point, you even have to take your own portable loo!

Its right in the forest and the chill out factor is brillient, walks in the forest not far off southhampton if you want a shopping trip! And plenty of other activities nearby...
 
Hi Natalie

i know just how you feel, i take citilopram to help me with my panic disorder, 20mg...and have been on it for a good few years, i have agarophobia too and they help with that side of things.
but they are not miracle workers as you know...last year i found i was really anxious again and thought about going to the GPs to see about upping the dose...
am glad i didnt as the feelings pass,
i have been like this for many years, and stressful situations can make things bad again,

since last week i have been very anxious over my eye test tomorrow, simple things like that can set things off, because its something that needs to be done,

try and have some calm time, and talk to yourself logically, by that i dont mean your not logic please dont take it the wrong way,
but think back to when you last felt like this....did it pass and was you glad you carried on with your phd?
you have come so far and nearly done it...
i think you should talk to your boyfriend...and also find a friend that may suffer with anxiety...you'd be surprised how many people do but never mention it,
as for the citilopram i wouldnt worry about keep taking it...its like any other med..it keeps you well..and thats all that matters,

my family dont seem to undertsnad me freaking out about tomorrow, they keep saying "its just an eye test"... which it is...but its on my bloody eyes!!! and i cant help how i feel...i will chat to my hubby tonight and he always makes me feel better,
tka e time for yourself ..calm your mind if you can..and know that we are all here to help if we can
 
Hi all, Just wanted to say thanks to you all for your messages, you are all wonderful xx I am planning a holiday soon and left work early this afternoon and am feeling a little better as long as I try not to think too much! My boyfriend and I had a good chat when we walked to the green grocers and we are cooking dinner for a friend and watching spring watch this evening.
 
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