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Aggressive partner

M

mandx

New Member
Relationship to Diabetes
Carer/Partner
My partner is very aggressive whilst having hypos I don't understand why he is having so many hypos why does he let himself get in such a state it's like he refuses to help himself when he knows his sugar levels are becoming low I tell him I beg him to have something before it gets to the point he doesn't know what he is doing but he won't then he becomes really aggressive I'm actually scared of him
 
mandx said:
My partner is very aggressive whilst having hypos I don't understand why he is having so many hypos why does he let himself get in such a state it's like he refuses to help himself when he knows his sugar levels are becoming low I tell him I beg him to have something before it gets to the point he doesn't know what he is doing but he won't then he becomes really aggressive I'm actually scared of him
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Probably the place to start is his doctor, and nurse as well if there is one involved with his care.
You do need to alert them to the situation and perhaps they can get him some sort of counselling about his behaviour and how he allows himself to go hypo.
As far as I know you do not need to have your partner's permission to alert them to the situation, you don't want to breach their confidentiality, you want to alert them to a very serious problem which could have consequences.
If you believe yourself to be at risk then you do need to get away from the situation and alert emergency services once you are safe.
 
Does he have a CGM @mandx ? If so, he needs to set his Low alarm at 5.6 or higher. This will give him more warning to treat the falling blood sugar. Confusion, depression, aggression are all possible hypo symptoms because the brain is starved of glucose.

It sounds like his whole insulin regime needs looking at. He shouldn’t be having so many hypos.
 
….and how he allows himself to go hypo

Low blood sugar causes confusion. It’s far more likely it’s this than him purposely avoiding treating them. A refusal to treat/identify/act is a not uncommon hypo symptom and not a choice.
 
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How horrible for you to be in that position. When he is not hypo have you been able to talk to him about how scared you feel? Whilst he is hypo he’s not rational and not in control of his behaviour properly but that doesn’t make it feel any better for you.

The odd hypo is par for the course but if he’s having a lot then there are things wrong with his management and that needs seeing to for the sake of his health as well as for your relationship.
 
Hello & welcome @mandx

Does your partner have a diabetes clinic he goes to? Is he using a pump or injections?
My starting point would be to ask for an appointment asap to sort out why he’s having so many hypos and what steps to take to try to limit them. There is a lot of great tech now that can give 24hr glucose readings and alert us to hypos & help to limit their severity.

I don’t have any hypo awareness and was in a situation where I couldn’t tell if my glucose was dangerously low. It changes behaviour dramatically and instead of prioritising getting some glucose onboard I was argumentative & out of character rude. I wasn’t aware I was behaving like that, It seems obvious to not get that low & to treat a hypo immediately but as said above lack of glucose to the brain affects rational behaviour & choices.

There is help out there through a diabetes clinic & DSN, they will want to help him get to a more stable situation. Occasional hypos happen but not to the extent you’re seeing with your partner. I hope he can get some help & things improve for you
 
Inka said:
Does he have a CGM @mandx ? If so, he needs to set his Low alarm at 5.6 or higher. This will give him more warning to treat the falling blood sugar. Confusion, depression, aggression are all possible hypo symptoms because the brain is starved of glucose.

It sounds like his whole insulin regime needs looking at. He shouldn’t be having so many hypos.
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He has a CGM but he totally ignores it sadly
 
mandx said:
He has a CGM but he totally ignores it sadly
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Is that alarm fatigue or is it because he doesn’t think it’s accurate so doesn’t bother to look? Either way, he needs support from his team to reduce these hypos.

How long has he had Type 1? Does he count the carbs in his meals and calculate the appropriate amount of insulin? If he’s not doing that, that could be part of the problem.
 
Thebearcametoo said:
How horrible for you to be in that position. When he is not hypo have you been able to talk to him about how scared you feel? Whilst he is hypo he’s not rational and not in control of his behaviour properly but that doesn’t make it feel any better for you.

The odd hypo is par for the course but if he’s having a lot then there are things wrong with his management and that needs seeing to for the sake of his health as well as for your relationship.
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I'm scar d to even mention his diabetes when he is not hypo because he turns quite nasty I've even tried to video him but he refuses to watch the videos I'm at my wits end
 
Inka said:
Is that alarm fatigue or is it because he doesn’t think it’s accurate so doesn’t bother to look? Either way, he needs support from his team to reduce these hypos.

How long has he had Type 1? Does he count the carbs in his meals and calculate the appropriate amount of insulin? If he’s not doing that, that could be part of the problem.
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He's been a diabetic for over 40 years I think he gives himself to much insulin but if I say anything he says I don't know what I'm talking about I just don't know why he takes no notice of the alarm to be honest he turns it down I have never heard it and his phone is right beside him showing his sugar levels I've been with him 30 years and can honestly say I've never ever seen him do a blood test
 
mandx said:
I'm scar d to even mention his diabetes when he is not hypo because he turns quite nasty I've even tried to video him but he refuses to watch the videos I'm at my wits end
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Perhaps subconsciously he’s aware he’s ‘failing’ and so is defensive? I think contacting his nurse or GP and asking for a check in with him is the best idea. They should be able to see his CGM data.
 
mandx said:
He's been a diabetic for over 40 years I think he gives himself to much insulin but if I say anything he says I don't know what I'm talking about I just don't know why he takes no notice of the alarm to be honest he turns it down I have never heard it and his phone is right beside him showing his sugar levels I've been with him 30 years and can honestly say I've never ever seen him do a blood test
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Well, he doesn’t know what he’s talking about either if he’s struggling so much. It sounds like he’s in a bad place. I quite understand why you don’t want to provoke him by talking about it, but unless he makes some effort, it’s not fair to you.
 
Having a really vicious hypo one afternoon when we'd gone out on the motorbike, half a jar of jam fed to me which was the only sweet thing the shop within the museum sold - ambulance called, arrived and husband told them who I was etc, they said they'd take me to Telford hospital and husband said he'd follow the ambulance on the bike since he hadn't a clue how to get there, at some point during the journey the ambulance lady asked me to tell her my name and I refused. She asked me again and I was annoyed - especially when she said I plainly couldn't remember it - how VERY dare she say that! So I said 'Of course I know my name! - but just not telling you!' Thought in my head was, Pete told her my name, I plainly heard him - if she can't remember it that's hardly my fault, so I'm not going to cover for her obvious stupidity, you'd think the people employed to go about in ambulances would be more intelligent and write things down, wouldn't you? I didn't know, then, they ask you 'daft' questions to try and establish your state of consciousness before you get to A & E, so I thought Oh well I'll just go to sleep for a bit - which I did and woke up half an hour later, desperate for a drink, but OK enough to ride pillion home. Felt lousy for several days after and given any choice, no way would I have gone on the back of the bike.

Not the best day to visit the Ironbridge Gorge museums by motorbike!
 
Inka said:
Well, he doesn’t know what he’s talking about either if he’s struggling so much. It sounds like he’s in a bad place. I quite understand why you don’t want to provoke him by talking about it, but unless he makes some effort, it’s not fair to you.
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I just don't know the way forward
 
Inka said:
Perhaps subconsciously he’s aware he’s ‘failing’ and so is defensive? I think contacting his nurse or GP and asking for a check in with him is the best idea. They should be able to see his CGM data.
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He won't let me go with him because he knows I wld tell them he reckons they say he's doing good but surely they can see he's having hypos all the time he reckons they want him to keep his sugar as low as possible surely this isn't right? They can see CGM data they contacted him about hypos through the night he told them he was fine and always was aware he was having a hypo. Which is a lie. I don't know how to contact his diabetes clinic but I cld maybe try GP thanku x
 
Be a bit sly about it @mandx Definitely don’t tell him you’re contacting them and make sure you tell them they’re not to mention your contact to him. If they’re looking at his CGM data, they can pretend they deduced his problems from that and talk about it to him. Obviously they can’t make him do anything, but they might suggest a pump or a change of insulin, or a change of doses, etc.

You mention he’s not always aware when he’s having a hypo. That means he shouldn’t drive and needs to inform the DVLA. If he is driving, you can report him anonymously to the DVLA or get his GP to do it if they agree. Perhaps losing his licence will focus his mind on facing up to his problems.

Type 1 is relentless. I completely understand the effect all this is having on you, but not all of his actions might be deliberate. There’s something called Diabetes Burnout/Distress, which is a result of the ongoing (often longterm) stress of dealing with Type 1. Perhaps some of his irrational decisions stem from struggling to stay afloat with the diabetes. That’s something his team could talk to him about too.

Your priority must be yourself, but I hope you can find a way forward x
 
If he is becoming aggressive with you and won't do anything about the problem which is causing the aggression then I think perhaps you have to consider getting out of the relationship. He clearly doesn't care enough about you to change and the fact that you are fearful of him, sounds loud warning bells to me. I know you will not want to hear that but if someone will not change or even discuss your concerns about their behaviour and it is causing you fear, then that is a toxic relationship. It is no different to someone who drinks and becomes aggressive. They don't have control over the aggression when they are drunk but they can take steps to stop getting drunk. If these hypos are a near daily occurrence then that is very poor diabetes management but he needs to want to change and seek help to improve things.
 
I would agree with Inka's proposals to alert his doctor/medical team while ensuring they keep your name out of it and ensure they approach him as if it's something they have noticed, or as if it's a health/coping check up.

Also rebrascora makes a very good point - you need to look out for your own health and safety (mental and physical). Once you get to the point where you have done all you can, but nothing you can do can change your partners behaviour and lack of regard for his own health, then her suggestion to exit the relationship may be the only solution which will work for you.
 
I agree. He may not be responsible for hypo behaviour but he is for his attitude the rest of the time.
You need to take care of yourself.
Diabetes is no excuse to treat a partner poorly. If he won't discuss it or do anything to make the situation better, but rather expects you to put up with being scared, well, thats not right.
 
Hello @mandx , I feel it would be unethical to be “sly” consulting your partner’s GP or consultant without his consent making you a named “advocate.” If your partner is unwilling to engage regarding your personal concerns on his diabetes & his threatening behaviour during the lows give cause for personal safety fears? A wise option would be emergency services during a hypo event, an ambulance for his personal safety with a medical emergency & the police for any domestic abuse regarding the threatening behaviour. Best wishes.
 
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