siblings

[chellgales]

Hi still new to the diabetes world but I have a question when it comes to siblings.

Basically my 6 year old girl who was diagnosed in the summer hols has started to be really mean to are 3 year old. mostly just losing her temper and screaming at her and hitting her, even kicked her in the tummy to push her off the top bunk bed. we have tried for weeks to figure why this is happening and we do understand siblings can be mean but just can't help feel its connected.

My husband and myself feel it could be resentfulness, maybe she is jealous that her sister doesn't have to deal with this. the diabetes team currently don't have a psychologist on their team so none of us has had an opportunity to talk this impact with anyone but are selfs.

So getting to my question, has anyone else experienced this? To note I have sen the team an email asking the same so waiting to see what their response is to.

many thanks for reading 🙂

 

[Inka]

How upsetting for you @chellgales I think you’re probably right when you suggest it’s related to the diagnosis. I was older than your daughter, but I remember feeling angry and resentful, as well as the obvious upset and sadness. It was part of the emotional processing of the whole thing.

You did the right thing emailing her team. Have you also asked her school how she’s coping? She might not be being angry, but there could be temporary character changes that they could support her with.

Finally, has she said anything to you? One thing wound me up a lot was people saying that it could be worse, etc. Yes, that’s true but I wanted someone to sympathise with how cr*p it was and how miserable I felt sometimes.

Also, does your daughter have a pump yet? That can help give back a bit of freedom and remove the need for what feels like constant injections.

Tagging @Sally71 and @Bronco Billy as they’re parents of Type 1s who might have some advice.

 

[Sally71]

Aww bless you, that sounds tough! I can’t help exactly as my daughter is an only child, however it’s quite likely that your daughter has reached a point where it has hit home that this really is forever, and unfortunately she’s taking it out on her sibling. At first after diagnosis kids are really brave and seem to take it all on board, but then a few weeks or months later suddenly realise that it isn’t a game and they are fed up with It. And it must make it worse if there’s a sibling who doesn’t have to do all the same stuff, she probably is a bit jealous. Just make sure that she knows you still love her and that you know it’s rubbish! I hope you can get some help on this, good luck 🙂

 

[chellgales]

How upsetting for you @chellgales I think you’re probably right when you suggest it’s related to the diagnosis. I was older than your daughter, but I remember feeling angry and resentful, as well as the obvious upset and sadness. It was part of the emotional processing of the whole thing.

You did the right thing emailing her team. Have you also asked her school how she’s coping? She might not be being angry, but there could be temporary character changes that they could support her with.

Finally, has she said anything to you? One thing wound me up a lot was people saying that it could be worse, etc. Yes, that’s true but I wanted someone to sympathise with how cr*p it was and how miserable I felt sometimes.

Also, does your daughter have a pump yet? That can help give back a bit of freedom and remove the need for what feels like constant injections.

Tagging @Sally71 and @Bronco Billy as they’re parents of Type 1s who might have some advice.

hi thanks for replying. the school say she's amazing and coping well. which I guess is good. but maybe I will ask them if they notice anything to let us know.

she has only said a few times when I have asked her why she is so angry that she hates her diabetes, which was the time it felt like it was connected. seeing her sister eating with out a pen and not having to worry must be so frustrating for her.

it won't help that she doesn't stay at my mother in laws for the time being due to the mil not feeling totally comfortable looking after her but are 3 year old still goes. (mainly to give them a break from the fights between them)

no pump yet hoping early next year when are local team get to her on the list. but it will make things a lot easier for her.

 

[chellgales]

Aww bless you, that sounds tough! I can’t help exactly as my daughter is an only child, however it’s quite likely that your daughter has reached a point where it has hit home that this really is forever, and unfortunately she’s taking it out on her sibling. At first after diagnosis kids are really brave and seem to take it all on board, but then a few weeks or months later suddenly realise that it isn’t a game and they are fed up with It. And it must make it worse if there’s a sibling who doesn’t have to do all the same stuff, she probably is a bit jealous. Just make sure that she knows you still love her and that you know it’s rubbish! I hope you can get some help on this, good luck 🙂

aww thank you. yeah I am thinking its hitting home for her now, and think she needs help navigating though it but I try and talk to her but nothings changing so thought I would ask the professionals to step in and help me find the right way of helping her. parents can never say the right things haha.

 

[Inka]

hi thanks for replying. the school say she's amazing and coping well. which I guess is good. but maybe I will ask them if they notice anything to let us know.

she has only said a few times when I have asked her why she is so angry that she hates her diabetes, which was the time it felt like it was connected. seeing her sister eating with out a pen and not having to worry must be so frustrating for her.

it won't help that she doesn't stay at my mother in laws for the time being due to the mil not feeling totally comfortable looking after her but are 3 year old still goes. (mainly to give them a break from the fights between them)

no pump yet hoping early next year when are local team get to her on the list. but it will make things a lot easier for her.

@chellgales If you think the not staying at your MIL’s is contributing to the hate, could you arrange for both of them to go but stay for a shorter time? If not, personally I’d halt all visits for both of them and maybe have your MIL visit you.

I’m sure there was a young child-friendly book explaining a bit about Type 1. Not that that makes it better, but I found understanding a little about how it happened helped, and that it wasn’t my fault in any way helped.

Also, could you ask what in particular she hates about it, eg is it the injections, missing out on visits, the testing, not having cake, etc etc. Even if you could ease one little thing, it might help. Just small things helped me, particularly around food.

 

[chellgales]

@chellgales If you think the not staying at your MIL’s is contributing to the hate, could you arrange for both of them to go but stay for a shorter time? If not, personally I’d halt all visits for both of them and maybe have your MIL visit you.

I’m sure there was a young child-friendly book explaining a bit about Type 1. Not that that makes it better, but I found understanding a little about how it happened helped, and that it wasn’t my fault in any way helped.

Also, could you ask what in particular she hates about it, eg is it the injections, missing out on visits, the testing, not having cake, etc etc. Even if you could ease one little thing, it might help. Just small things helped me, particularly around food.

thanks, I've got books and tried asking all the questions but not much helps. with he MIL yes maybe they just need to be able to to get time together even in small doses. 🙂

 

[Inka]

thanks, I've got books and tried asking all the questions but not much helps. with he MIL yes maybe they just need to be able to to get time together even in small doses. 🙂

The feeling of being ‘different’ can be overwhelming so minimising any obvious differences like that might help a bit 🙂

 

[Sally71]

Your daughter might even be wondering if her grandmother still loves her, if her sibling is allowed to visit and she isn’t. Wondering what she’s done wrong either with the grandmother, or being saddled with injections and so on when her sibling isn’t. I agree with @Inka, try to treat both children the same as much as possible. So if the diabetic one isn’t allowed a sweet treat, neither is the other, they can both have something after a meal when you can inject your daughter. Etc etc. Eventually the diabetes will become a normal part of life, but until you are all used to it try to smooth over the differences as best you can and not make a big deal of them. Could you get together with the MIL as well and try to find out what her difficulties are, and gradually increase the time your daughter spends with her? When we left hospital we were given all sorts of booklets which explained everything very simply, one of them I think never left my MIL’s bookshelf even 10 years later! I agree that it’s a scary prospect, but if you can learn to cope with it then so can anyone else, they may just need a little more time.

 

[Leadinglights]

You could perhaps start with all going out together so your MIL sees how you manage and that will perhaps give her more confidence. Then having her at your house in familiar surroundings for the children whilst you go to the shops for a short time.
I think trying to allow your daughter to do the things she did before otherwise she will feel different and it could feel like some sort of punishment, it may require more planning but it will become easier.

 

[Bronco Billy]

We had a very similar experience when our daughter was diagnosed, although two/three years later. It was mostly due to resentment, but also the swinging BG levels didn't help. The resentment came from feeling different to her peers. While we were waiting for a psychologist to be recruited to the team, the most successful strategy we used was to stay with her until she calmed down and asking her to write down her feelings, although not necessarily immediately after she had calmed down. This gave her the opportunity to take her time to think about it and not feel pressured. Some of the thoughts made for very difficult reading, but it did help her.

One lucky break we had was when the Head Coach of the swimming club asked her to join one of the teams. This helped her to feel 'normal' as she was swimming on an equal basis against girls from other clubs and winning points for the team. This taught me that it's important to encourage our children to do something they really enjoy that they can do alongside their peers so that they understand that they are the same as everyone else, they just have to deal with this condition. By doing the same as others and not being treated differently, it helps them come to terms with living with type 1.

 

[Pumper_Sue]

aww thank you. yeah I am thinking its hitting home for her now, and think she needs help navigating though it but I try and talk to her but nothings changing so thought I would ask the professionals to step in and help me find the right way of helping her. parents can never say the right things haha.

Have you any idea what her blood sugars are like when she hits out?

 

[chellgales]

We had a very similar experience when our daughter was diagnosed, although two/three years later. It was mostly due to resentment, but also the swinging BG levels didn't help. The resentment came from feeling different to her peers. While we were waiting for a psychologist to be recruited to the team, the most successful strategy we used was to stay with her until she calmed down and asking her to write down her feelings, although not necessarily immediately after she had calmed down. This gave her the opportunity to take her time to think about it and not feel pressured. Some of the thoughts made for very difficult reading, but it did help her.

One lucky break we had was when the Head Coach of the swimming club asked her to join one of the teams. This helped her to feel 'normal' as she was swimming on an equal basis against girls from other clubs and winning points for the team. This taught me that it's important to encourage our children to do something they really enjoy that they can do alongside their peers so that they understand that they are the same as everyone else, they just have to deal with this condition. By doing the same as others and not being treated differently, it helps them come to terms with living with type 1.

thanks for the reply, that might be a good idea to get her to write her feelings down. she does a dance club after school which I know helps her 🙂

 

[chellgales]

Have you any idea what her blood sugars are like when she hits out?

sometimes, if she's high or on the higher side she is a bit more hyper. But its a good ideas to check when she's screaming just to see.

 

[Pumper_Sue]

sometimes, if she's high or on the higher side she is a bit more hyper. But its a good ideas to check when she's screaming just to see.

If your daughter is running on the high side this could be the cause of the problem. Being so young it would be difficult for her to express to you how she is feeling. So worth a check.
Perhaps distract her with some one to one attention whilst checking bloods and sorting out any problems.

 

[everydayupsanddowns]

Hope things are beginning to settle between the two of them @chellgales

It’s such a tricky balancing act, treating them both the same, and giving them both appropriate levels of attention and opportunity so that neither feels they are missing out because of the other, but that the diabetes is the common ‘enemy’.