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Help needed

  • Thread starter Thread starter Deleted member 33146
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This thread is now closed. Please contact Anna DUK, Ieva DUK or everydayupsanddowns if you would like it re-opened.
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Deleted member 33146

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Hello, I've recently discovered that my partner has type 1 but he doesn't know that I know. I'm really struggling to understand why he wouldn't tell me.
What do I need to do to support him?

Any advice would be really welcome. Thanks
 
Wow, that's quite a thing to keep from your partner. Has he only just found out himself?
 
Welcome Deleted member 33146 🙂 How difficult for you. How long have you and your partner been together?Are you saying he’s been concealing his blood tests and injections from you?

He might be hiding his diabetes out of shame, or he might be trying to find the right time to bring it up. He might be worried you’ll see him as ‘an ill person’ or ‘different’, and not want to be with him or start to treat him like an invalid.

There is still a stigma attached to diabetes. Perhaps too he’s had bad reactions from people in the past.
 
How long have you been together?
My preference was not to tell a new partner until they had got to know me without being worried I would keel over due to diabetes.

Now that you know, I would tell him that you know (there is no point getting upset about him keeping a secret if you do too) and ask him what support he would like.
Just like people without diabetes, we are all different.
 
Inka said:
Welcome Deleted member 33146 🙂 How difficult for you. How long have you and your partner been together?Are you saying he’s been concealing his blood tests and injections from you?

He might be hiding his diabetes out of shame, or he might be trying to find the right time to bring it up. He might be worried you’ll see him as ‘an ill person’ or ‘different’, and not want to be with him or start to treat him like an invalid.

There is still a stigma attached to diabetes. Perhaps too he’s had bad reactions from people in the past.
Click to expand...
Hi Inka,
Thank you for reaching out.

We've been together for 18 months but we don't live together. Yep, he's been concealing the whole lot :( i really don't know what to do. For what ever reason he doesn't want me to know.. but im struggling to understand why so I'm hoping someone can help me understand.
I really don't want to make this about me at all, but I found out yesterday and I'm trying to find out as much as I can in case something happens and I need to do something.

Any help would be great
 
helli said:
How long have you been together?
My preference was not to tell a new partner until they had got to know me without being worried I would keel over due to diabetes.

Now that you know, I would tell him that you know (there is no point getting upset about him keeping a secret if you do too) and ask him what support he would like.
Just like people without diabetes, we are all different.
Click to expand...
Hi Helli,
We've been together for 18 months but we don't live together. His parents told me yesterday and made me promise I wouldn't say anything as he asked them not to tell me but they don't know why either.

It's made me more scared now with the fact that I don't know anything about it which never helps, and can't talk to him about it, but also angry that if something had happened I wouldn't of known what to do because he didn't tell me.

Argh rock and hard place
 
That's quite a long time. There could be a whole host of reasons why. I suspect he doesn't want anyone to know because he probably doesn't want to be treated differently or some other psychological reason. I would be sure it's not through malice. I think it's best to ask him and not us personally, as his reasons are probably deeply personal and we can only assume which doesn't help you.
 
It may be that he has things under good control and it has not impacted on anything that you have done together so far. I am guessing he uses injections. I had been married for many years so my OH knew but I limited the info to need to know, as I didn’t want people fussing or asking me my BG all the time. I just wanted to get on with it.

people react in many different ways. I would suggest that you talk together about it and you let him know that you know now. The main thing it is worth discussing is how he manages his hypos. The mild ones are often more worrying for other people than us.
 
Thank you SB2015. Thats really good advice. I was told in confidence so I need to work out how I'm going to let him know that I know.

It's the hypo bit I'm worried about the most but I don't think I've seen him have one so far, but any advice you can give me on how I can at least be prepared, I would be really grateful?
 
As it’s his parents who’ve told you, could you ask them to tactfully probe a little about why he doesn’t want you to know? I’d do that first rather than just tell him you know.
 
Hypos need to be treated with something sweet eg Dextro tablets, jelly babies, full sugar Coke, etc. If the person is unconscious, never try to feed them - call an ambulance.
 
Thanks Inka, I can get those and keep them on me at all times just in case.
 
I think men perhaps see it as a weakness and don't want people to know for that reason. Perhaps it makes them feel less macho having this Achilles heel. I do think that it is easier for women to talk about this stuff then men.
It's a really difficult call as to whether you tell him you know or not and have an adult discussion about it. You obviously won't want to drop his parent in it by saying they let slip and he may be defensive and not want to talk about it. He clearly must have pretty good control if you have been together that long and he hasn't had a hypo. Do you find he is sometimes moody or difficult or perhaps struggles to say what he means as those can be signs of low BG levels.
Most people's partners can tell when their levels drop before they can because they learn to read the signs but we are all different with how we exhibit when we go hypo. Some people can get aggressive or violent even although it is uncommon, others struggle to speak or get stuck doing a simple task over and over again or get a vacant look or talk gibberish.
When this happens a partner will usually prompt us to test our levels if we haven't already and take some quick acting carbs like jelly babies or glucose tablets or fruit juice to bring our levels back up. Sometimes the symptoms are similar when our levels go too high so the testing bit can be quite important because you don't want to be eating jelly babies or glucose tablets if your levels are too high, only if they are low. It is a bit of a balancing act between the insulin we inject and the carbohydrates we eat and it's not always possible to get the balance right. Thinking back, can you remember occasions when he has seemed a bit zoned out? Does he drive? If you were to go on a long journey he would need to stop and test every 2 hours or less to make sure his levels are safe to drive, so he would have to be a bit evasive to keep it from you. When eating meals we normally inject before each meal, so again he would have to be pretty discrete if he is hiding that from you. Even just carrying gear with us all the time like testing meter and hypo treatment and perhaps insulin. I always carry a bag with me with everything in it.

Anyway, if he has been managing things so well and discretely for the past 18 months perhaps just keep it in mind but don't say anything until he is ready to tell you, or maybe you could instigate a divulging of secrets conversation to see if you can give him an opportunity to tell you. It might be that he didn't want to tell you initially because you were just getting to know each other and now he finds it difficult to tell you because you have been together so long and perhaps he might even welcome the opportunity to open up but just doesn't know how to broach the subject.
 
Bit confused his parents told you, but not what to do if he has a hypo, seems remiss. Perhaps another conversation with them is in order as previously suggested. Either way, if I was him and I had asked my parents to not tell you for whatever reason and I found out they did, I’d feel pretty let down. Sounds like quite an difficult position and could pan out badly if not handled well. Suddenly carrying around high sugar products and being prepared opens up risk of him finding out you know. Think its best to talk to him parents and work out a plan as to best manage it now.
 
Agreed @BlueArmy I personally would feel almost ‘attacked’ if my parents told a partner something I was keeping secret and then that partner told me they knew about it.

Soon after diagnosis I found I was being treated differently - infantilised almost, and I got really quite fed up with it. I know it was concern but the constant “Are you ok?” every few minutes when I clearly was, and, worse, the blaming of anything and everything on my blood sugar was infuriating. I do tell people now but I choose my time and I choose how much to tell them depending on the individual.

So, I would feel quite betrayed really if my confidence was breached like this, and if the decision was taken out of my hands. Far better, IMO, to speak again to his parents and try to get them to find out more and provide reassurance so that he tells the OP of his own accord.
 
Just because he has not had a hypo does not necessarily mean he is managing his diabetes well.
He may be doing so by running his levels high. If this is what he is used to, he may not appear unwell.
 
Let's not read too much into what Deleted member 33146 doesn't know.

I'd ask his parents straight out myself "Did you ask him why he told you not to tell me? (cos I'm intrigued now ...) " and if they answered 'No' to that question - I'd then wonder why the hell they hadn't - apparently not interested enough in their son himself, yet feeling that his girlfriend ought to know ????? Why on earth would a parent do that?
 
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