Why can't I get back to being the positive and proactive person that I was

[AJLang]

It's now 10 months since the last eye surgery and I can't get back to being the person that I was. Went for lunch with OH today and was in tears because I'm so fed up with diabetes/gastroparesis/eye problems/high ESR/hip pain/no longer being able to drive along side the house purchase falling through and Susie having had her strokes - plus I'm getting nowhere with revising for my exam on April 23rd. I just want to get back to the positive proactive person I was before all of these problems - instead I seem to be increasingly lethargic and relying on OH to do things around the house when I should be doing my fair share - and I know that it is getting really difficult for him. I don't want to go to the GP for help I just want to get back to being a bubbly, bright, proactive young(ish) person. Sorry for the rant............

 

[Newtothis]

It's now 10 months since the last eye surgery and I can't get back to being the person that I was. Went for lunch with OH today and was in tears because I'm so fed up with diabetes/gastroparesis/eye problems/high ESR/hip pain/no longer being able to drive along side the house purchase falling through and Susie having had her strokes - plus I'm getting nowhere with revising for my exam on April 23rd. I just want to get back to the positive proactive person I was before all of these problems - instead I seem to be increasingly lethargic and relying on OH to do things around the house when I should be doing my fair share - and I know that it is getting really difficult for him. I don't want to go to the GP for help I just want to get back to being a bubbly, bright, proactive young(ish) person. Sorry for the rant............

You are a wonderful person who has a lot to contend with - you're still the person you were before your medical problems and these are secondary to who you are - you're an inspiration; you're strong; supportive; bright, bubbly, loyal and most of all you're still the woman you're other half fell in love with. Just take each day as it comes and concentrate on one thing at a time - we all love ya ..... 🙂

 

[Emmaathome]

I feel guilty for worrying about such a little thing as T2 now!

Sounds like you have good reason to be fed up - have you actually allowed yourself a little "wallow in self pity" or are you feeling guilty about it?

Perhaps deciding that you are allowed to be miserable sometimes will help perk you up the rest of the time. Maybe a rant or a cry for an hour will help get it off your chest for the rest of the day? Why should you feel bad for feeling bad sometimes?

I'm sure someone will be along with a bit of better advice for you, but I think you should stop piling more worry on yourself about what you dont do, and focus on the things you do!!!

Good luck, hope you feel better in yourself soon
x

 

[trophywench]

Amanda - stop that this very instant or Grandma Jen will smack. Failing which she might actually give you a great big fat hug.

My grandkids usually prefered the first TBH, and stopped instantly - with the exception of Tim who has had a boob fixation since he was born and I rather miss him snuggling up I have to say, since he got past about 5 foot he's rarely done it LOL I think he does it again now except it's his g/f these days .....

Like it or not madam you know exactly what you might be showing signs of, hence your assertion that you don't want to see your GP and I'd actually agree with that. At this juncture at least. You need to see a counsellor with some expertise in what you've got, not any old psychologist who hasn't a clue.

Is it worth contacting your Gastro bloke to see if there's anyone he could refer you to?

If not then you NEED to see your GP about it, or search the BACUP website yourself and cut out the middle man?

Nobody needs anyone else's permission to be depressed young lady - and no-one has any right to make comments if anyone is suffering from it, either.

{{{{{Virtual Hugs}}}}} anyway!

 

[AJLang]

Thank you everyone and the hugs are very appreciated. No point in seeing my GP. When I saw her in October she said that I didn't look like I was suffering with depression when she was trying to work out what was wrong with me. The thing is that when I'm with people who I don't know too well they only see the happy cheerful me. Ive looked at the BACP site but counsellors seem very expensive eg ?50 per session, and I'm already paying for my CGM and massages for my hip. I will try to focus on being positive and taking one step at a time. I can't change anything that has happened, I just need to learn how to live with it and to count my blessings. Thank you everyone

 

[Robster65]

Trophywench beat me to it. Except the boobs bit. I wasn't going to say that.

I agree. You aren't inhuman and everyone has their limit. That list of problems is pretty extensive and you're putting yourself under pressure with the exam.

If you havent already, get in touch with them and explain. At least some of it. It's not being weak, just realistic.

Don't try to be superwoman and maybe then your OH will be able to look after you a bit easier as well. I'm sure he's happy to do it as long as you're able to ask for help from others too. When needed.🙂

Rob

 

[AJLang]

Don't try to be superwoman

Rob

therein lies the problem......before the eye problems and gastroparesis I had a reputation with my bosses of being a workaholic..........I've not been so good at going at a slower pace. But I have asked the OU for help. I will be doing my exam at home and will have extra time for the exam and rest breaks. So I'm getting better at asking for help I just don't like having to do the asking

 

[Robster65]

therein lies the problem......before the eye problems and gastroparesis I had a reputation with my bosses of being a workaholic..........I've not been so good at going at a slower pace. But I have asked the OU for help. I will be doing my exam at home and will have extra time for the exam and rest breaks. So I'm getting better at asking for help I just don't like having to do the asking

Well done Amanda. I know someone else rather close to home who has a similar problem!

As they say, every journey starts with a single step. You've done the OU. Now see if you can find a compromise for work and home. If you can get things so they're manageable, on your own terms, you'll feel more in control and might be able to manage some of the tasks you struggle with now.

For me, if I don't feel in control (or at least able to see where I'm heading) I tend to lose interest and just feel like I'm being carried along with the tide.
Once I can step back and have some useful input and understand what the grand plan is, I regain my mojo and can push ahead.

Hope any of this helps. If not, it'll keep you busy for 5 minutes!

Rob

 

[AJLang]

Thanks Rob, what you said makes perfect sense. Slight problem on the work front.....a few weeks ago when I was feeling stronger I asked to increased my hours - and now I'm worried in case I can't manage the increase but I don't want them to think that I keep changing my mind............and will also find out next week if I have won a very, very important contract for work - and if I have that will make life extremely stressful for the next three years. mmmmmmmmmmmmmh guess I'm not doing too well at this cutting back....but I do need to get this balance right so that I can get back to being positive with the energy levels that I have

 

[Flutterby]

Hi Amanda, not sure I can add very much but perhaps you do need to think twice about this stressful work contract, perhaps that is what is tipping you over the edge with all this, you have coped with what's already going on but are wondering if this is going to be a step too far. There's no shame in admitting that you have more than enough to handle right now.

I actually find it hard to be the person I was before the stroke and I get cross with myself and think "but I'm ok now" Like you, I put on the happy, smiley face and I go on facebook and put silly updates but sometimes I still want to scream at the top of my voice and probably burst into tears too. It's very hard because we all do our very best but sometimes it's still too much for our inner selves or our minds to cope with and we need to slow down a bit or get some help - often both.

You are not on your own and we all love you and want you to feel well and happy, if there's anything any of us can do - let us know. Love Karen.xx

 

[Robster65]

I think, for many people, there is something in their upbringing or their past that drives them to do more and more, either to feel worthy or to forget or some other reason.

When you have a break from the grind for a while, maybe you come to terms with that past in other ways and just don't need to push so hard for the same reasons. It may be that you're finding it harder to get back to your old level of work because you've lost the need to do it.

I don't think I could do the same things as I used to, it would drive me mad and I'd be at the GP's within a month.

Just a thought.🙂

Rob

 

[AJLang]

Karen thank you so much for your lovely message, it was so kind of you and said just the right things. Rob - you've sought of hit the nail on the head and just gave me my lightbulb moment as to why I am currently feeling the way that I am. I left school with just my 'O'-levels. After I had a serious car accident at 23 I decided to pursue my dreams and never, in a million years, expected to get my PhD. I then carried on with my employer being highly praiseworthy of me (not saying that to blow my own trumpet just to explain). But then I couldn't keep things going when I becamse ill - so I suppose in a way the last year has been me trying to find a new identity - hence my OU degree etc. However I also know that I still want a distinguished academic career. Next week is a really,really major point in deciding whether I can achieve that career because I get the decision about this major project. If the project comes off - wow it would be the world's best thing for me and my career - but if it doesn't there is a high chance that my career dreams may be in shatters - I would still have a career but not the one that I wanted. I guess a large part of the reason that I feel down is that I feel cheated that the health problems have got in the way of what I had worked so hard for. But if the project doesn't happen, I guess I will pick myself up, dust my self down, and focus on my OU degree, vegetable gardening, Susie, OH, cooking, decopatch, reading chick lit and all of the other things that I seemed to have forgotten that I enjoy. Just realised that this post sounds rather profound for a Saturday afternoon..........guess I had better get back to my revision. Please realise that ever single post on this thread has had a really positive effect on me and helped me to reflect upon what has made me such a grumpy so and so recently🙂