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Totally fed up

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This thread is now closed. Please contact Anna DUK, Ieva DUK or everydayupsanddowns if you would like it re-opened.
AJLang

AJLang

Well-Known Member
Relationship to Diabetes
Type 1
After being really positive yesterday about the amitriptylene I've been hit big time by a really bad stomach that has given me much worse pain than I usually have and stomach cramps. I've hardly slept and the gastroparesis has flared up - both are potential side effects of amitriptylene. I guess I will have to see how I can get on with tonight's dose but I certainly can't face eating anything and I can't get my BG down from double figures. I so want the amitriptylene to work for me. In addition my Dad is in a very bad state and nothing I say seems to help, I am VERY worried about him but he won't go to any of the professionals, Cruse etc for help.
 
So sorry to hear this Amanda as you seemed so positive yesterday. I really do hope that things settle down for you soon. And I hope that your dad is ok. XX
 
Thank you Stitch x now at eye casualty checking that the amitriptylene hasn't affect my glaucoma.
 
Sorry to hear this Amanda, hope things can settle down for you asap and hope your dad will agree to go to the professionals.
 
Thanks Pav. Unfortunately Dad won't get professional help and insists on going through all of Mum's illness and her last weeks/days with me on a very regular basis. My OH thinks that Dad uses me as a counsellor. I want to talk to him each day because he is on his own but he really, really drags me down. Like yesterday he only spoke for a few minutes and said that he was really at rock bottom. Then he phones today to tell me what a great he had but then proceeds to have a monologue about mum's last weeks in a lot of detail that isn't nice. I've heard it so many times since Mum died that I don't know what to say and I such want some space to be able to grieve myself. Today's phone call finished with him saying that if he starts becoming ill he will kill himself. Sorry I'm wittering on and probably shouldn't write this on a forum.
 
AJLang said:
Thanks Pav. Unfortunately Dad won't get professional help and insists on going through all of Mum's illness and her last weeks/days with me on a very regular basis. My OH thinks that Dad uses me as a counsellor. I want to talk to him each day because he is on his own but he really, really drags me down. Like yesterday he only spoke for a few minutes and said that he was really at rock bottom. Then he phones today to tell me what a great he had but then proceeds to have a monologue about mum's last weeks in a lot of detail that isn't nice. I've heard it so many times since Mum died that I don't know what to say and I such want some space to be able to grieve myself. Today's phone call finished with him saying that if he starts becoming ill he will kill himself. Sorry I'm wittering on and probably shouldn't write this on a forum.
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Sorry to hear this. I agree with your OH it does sound like he is using you as a counsellor. Sending you a hug. Take care of yourself.
 
So sorry to hear what you are going through. Don’t worry about not putting it on the forum, if it helps you in some way go right ahead!
 
Thank you Grovesy. I've had a bit of a think since I typed this and have decided that as soon as I've spoken to Dad each day I'm either going to go out or go straight to my craftroom and immerse myself in something fun to do. I'll never change Dad so I will just have to change how I deal with this. The hug is really appreciated.
 
Thank you Radders.
 
AJLang said:
Thank you Grovesy. I've had a bit of a think since I typed this and have decided that as soon as I've spoken to Dad each day I'm either going to go out or go straight to my craftroom and immerse myself in something fun to do. I'll never change Dad so I will just have to change how I deal with this. The hug is really appreciated.
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That sounds like a good idea.
 
Sorry to read this today Amanda, you always just seem to getting going and then you have another knock. It sounds like a good plan to do something positive after speaking to your dad...he probably thinks he's just chatting to you, not realising it affects you too. He probably puts the phone down, feels a bit better having chatted and gets on with his day...forgetting you've lost your mum too.

Our local hospice has afternoon tea on a Sunday for those that have lost someone. My mum went along for a while, not for long, just as long as she felt she needed to. I wonder if men of a certain age don't like asking for help. My friends dad was exactly like this when she lost her mum, so she said she wanted to go along (she really didn't) and said would he go with her. He went along grudgingly and after 2 or 3 sessions was quite happy to go along and chat to others..not that he'd admit it, but she could see it really helped him turn a corner. Wasn't at all depressing, chatting about those they'd lost if they wanted to initially, or mostly other things, and the staff are always floating about to help out if needed. I wonder if your dad has anything like this nearby. It's the first step asking for a little bit of help that's the hardest.

Anyway, I hope you're feeling better and the positive feeling you had yesterday soon returns. X
 
I'm sorry to hear this after such a positive day yesterday (((hugs))) x
My mum was similar after my dad died, I was her sounding board (still am) and it is emotionally draining x
 
AJLang said:
Thank you Grovesy. I've had a bit of a think since I typed this and have decided that as soon as I've spoken to Dad each day I'm either going to go out or go straight to my craftroom and immerse myself in something fun to do. I'll never change Dad so I will just have to change how I deal with this. The hug is really appreciated.
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While not the same situation, I looked after mom for around 25 years and it got harder and harder to deal with normal things as one was always thinking of what she needed, it was work then home then work on repeat. A work friend introduced me a sport I greatly enjoy and we used to have an afternoon off when possible. When I left work it was stuck at home 24 / 7 apart from shopping. Thankfully we did get carers in and juggled the times so I could still do the sports for a couple of hours a week. This was a big get out of the situation break and without it don't know what would of happened. Towards the end it got harder to get out as she needed more and more looking after.

Doing what you plan on doing, I would say is a great idea as hopefully you can turn off as much as possible and relax a bit if possible, it certainly helped me and thanks to my friend it kept me going and still do the sport and made some great new friends.

You have also just answered a question I was asked the other day, in that why do you put others first espec in regard to the person that asked the question. To me the answer is I care because of the love I have for them plus it's the right thing thing to do, can't answer the second part of her question to her satisfactory, which is why don't I put myself first, still comes down to i love her that much she will always come first. Though I could do with chatting to her about today's news, but don't want to disturb her break as she really needed one.
 
Your dad is on an emotional rollercoaster Amanda and he only feels he can share these feelings with you. He’s trying to make sense of what happened to your mum and replaying it is his way of coping. He’ll need to feel everything that could be done was done and sometimes that’s hard to share with a non family member. It’s hard and it’s tiring and worrying but it’s something he seems to need right now. You’re both still raw but he needs the familiarity of you. It could be he’s not a group person or someone who likes formal support situations.

Unfortunately, because you’re having a tough time yourself with your health, you are depleted yourself at the moment. His grief will mean he doesn’t acknowledge that too well but try to mutually support each other and hopefully he’ll reach some degree of acceptance. He seems to be having some good periods so that’s promising. If it continues however, he may need external help to help him navigate the difficult stages of grief and loss. Best wishes and hope you feel better soon.
 
Sorry that your dad is still doing this to you. I hope your strategy for dealing with it works and helps you.

How have you been overnight in relation to the pain? It's going to be so cruel if you can't take a medication that has such a positive effect on your pain.xx
 
Thank you everyone for your comments. Dad is ok at the moment and I will need to take each day at a time with him. Thank you Lisa for your suggestion, which I think is great, but Dad would never even consider going to something like that. There are loads of groups where he lives but he isn't, and never has been, interested in any them - in complete contrast to my Mum who was at a group nearly every day of the week, bless her.

Pav you are very good to your mum, I do admire you.
Onward and upward, fortunately the side effects of the amitriptylene weren't too bad last night so that is really good news and I'm really going to try and focus on the positives. Thank you so much everyone for all of your support.
 
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Lucy Honeychurch said:
I'm sorry to hear this after such a positive day yesterday (((hugs))) x
My mum was similar after my dad died, I was her sounding board (still am) and it is emotionally draining x
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Lucy I'm sorry to hear this x
 
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