Tears

[Sally71]

Just put daughter to bed, can't remember how the conversation started but we ended up having tears because she's fed up with the D, doesn't want to be different from everyone else, she wants to be able to just sit down and eat her dinner without all the faffing about with testing etc. She is in year 3 at school, currently she does her test and bolus in the classroom and then is allowed to jump the queue and go straight into dinner, taking one friend with her. But she said she would rather do what the whole class do and be able to sit with all her friends (they have a rota of which year goes in first, because she needs to be supervised doing her bolus the teachers would rather be with her doing that and send her in early than send her out to play first. Maybe in a year or two she'll be able to do what her friends do and go out first and then sort herself out on the way back in, but not yet.). Then she got upset about people staring at her whilst she's doing her test. I thought the kids in her class were used to it now and didn't take much notice any more; but it transpires that they mix the two classes up for Maths and English, when she goes back into her classroom to do her bolus there are a few kids from the other class still in there and they stare at her instead of finishing their work. Apparently this has been going on for pretty much the whole school year!! I know she doesn't like a fuss being made about it but had no idea it was this bad.

This makes me really sad, on the face of it she seems to cope so well with it all. But clearly this is bothering her badly and I don't know what to say to her to make it better! I am not diabetic myself so can only hazard a guess at what it feels like. I keep telling her that she has done nothing wrong and has no reason to be ashamed but I don't think that is the issue. I so wish I could just take the D away from her, but of course that's the one thing I can't do!

We are going to visit my parents at the weekend for a few days, my mum is also T1 and I know that even after 46 years she still gets days when she's fed up with it all, so have told daughter to take the chance to have a good talk to Grandma about it as she is the one person in the family who really knows what it's like. Hoping that mum will be able to tell her how she deals with other people and all the rubbish feelings about being different. I am also going to speak to her teacher tomorrow to see if he has any suggestions, maybe he can do something about the starers or maybe find a quiet place where she can go to do her stuff without anyone being able to look at her.

I'm glad she's told me now but wish she could have said something sooner; she says she doesn't like to tell me things like that because she doesn't want to upset me! 😱 Anyone got any other suggestions about what I can do or say to her to make her feel better?

 

[AlisonM]

Would she be brave enough to tell the kids in class to go ahead and ask questions if they want to know what she's doing and why? If she can get them talking it might diffuse the situation and maybe make things easier for her.

 

[HERE TINTIN]

Hi Sally I hate to say this but this is probably not the only time this problem will come up in your daughters life. If there is one thing children and teenagers hate iit is to feel different to their peers. Hopefully grandma will be able to help but you said all of the right things. Alisons idea is very good, encouraging your daughter to explain to kids who are looking at her will make her feel better. Also I found at school the kids were just really interested in what I was doing, mostly it is just plain old nosiness and not out of malice. Tell her she is perfectly normal but special and other people want to know about it and once they know they wont be interested in it anymore and will stop looking at her. I am not sure that is good advice or not, but maybe you can adapt bits of it, I hope some of it is helpful.

 

[Redkite]

Sorry to hear this Sally. Is it the class teacher or a TA who helps supervise the test and bolus? If it's a TA, could they just pop outside the classroom door so it would be a bit more private? It's a shame she feels this way, though very common - luckily my son doesn't care if people look or ask questions, but if your daughter minds, then the school need to be aware so they can be more discreet about the process. Not sure what to suggest about the school dinner - yes, it's good to be able to do the same as everyone else, but it does sound like the current arrangement is the best diabetes-wise....and at least she gets to take in a buddy AND they both get first choice of food options 🙂

Hope the Easter break will recharge her batteries and help put diabetes back in its place!

 

[Sally71]

Thank you all for your kind replies. I would love for my daughter to just be able to get on with it without caring about anyone else but it seems that she's not ready for that. I've told her that if anyone asks her a direct question she should give them a polite answer, but if it's someone she doesn't really know I can understand that she doesn't want to have to explain everything so have told her to just politely say that she'd rather not talk about it. Among her closest friends she has shown some of them how to do blood tests which is encouraging; it's dealing with everyone else that she finds difficult. One child (not even in her year I think) once spotted her pump, thought it was a phone and threatened to tell tales! I told her in that instance most of the teachers will know about her, or if not you have to just tell them, and if you show them they will immediately see that it must be a medical device as phones don't usually plug into your tummy!

I like the idea if dealing with the nosey kids just by showing them what she's doing and thereby satisfying curiosity. Don't know if daughter will go for that but I shall certainly suggest it to her. I think it's usually the teacher himself who supervises her tests and boluses, he's a really nice bloke so I'm sure he'll want to help. Maybe he can help with talking to the other kids. She was dx during the very last week of year 1, we had the summer hols to get used to it all then had to have a meeting with year 2 teacher to sort out how to deal with it all at school. Not sure how much was said to the class then but I think something was said. Probably not to the other class though! Will speak to teacher tomorrow and let you know how we get on.

I don't think anything can be done about the lunch time routine at the moment, but as she gets older and doesn't need to be supervised so closely then hopefully she will be able to fit in better with the rest of her friends. So that problem should resolve itself in a year or two!

Many thanks again, I feel a bit better now, shall see what happens tomorrow 🙂

 

[Bloden]

I can't imagine any of my little pupils being diabetic. Your little girl is very brave, but it's hard work sometimes being brave all the time. I hope after chatting to her teacher things are better for you all. Enjoy the Easter holidays! 🙂

 

[Redkite]

The other thing I forgot to mention is: could the school have a diabetes assembly to educate all the other kids? JDRF have some very good classroom/assembly activities available online - I think there might be a video clip too. Kids stare because they are curious - once they know what your daughter is doing, they won't be so interested! 🙂

 

[Sally71]

I was wondering about investigating the possibility of some sort of diabetes awareness day, would have to see what exactly it would entail and then talk to her about it. They did an odd socks day recently for Downs Syndrome as there is a child in the school with that condition, so the school might be up for it too, just depends whether my daughter would want that much fuss!

But have spoken to her again this morning and it seems the crux of the issue is one child in particular, most of them are just surreptitiously looking and trying to pretend they aren't, which she says she can cope with. But this lad just blatantly stares and keeps staring. She didn't tell me about it because she thought I would just say "oh ignore him" or "turn your back" etc. Which I would have done at first, but apparently she has been trying tactics like this for nearly two terms now and it isn't working.

So then I said that he's only looking because you are doing something that nobody else does, would it help if you showed him exactly what you are doing and explained why, then maybe once his curiosity is satisfied he won't bother about it any more. But she said he's not a very nice boy (her words!) and she doesn't want him to know about it because he's the sort that would then tease her about it forever afterwards - "ha ha you have to do blood tests" etc.

So I have arranged to speak to the teacher about it after school tonight. As it seems to be only one child who is bothering her I don't think I want them to find a private place for her to do her tests, I don't think she should hide away and be embarrassed about it, I want her to learn to be strong enough to just get on with it wherever she is and not worry about what anyone else thinks. I can think of a few possible solutions but maybe the teacher will be able to think of others too, so hopefully the situation can be diffused without making a big fuss about it. Daughter skipped off to school this morning saying that she already feels loads happier knowing that something will be done about it. I will let you know how we get on!

 

[Northerner]

So pleased to hear she is feeling much better about things this morning, and that you have got to the bottom of things. It sounds like this boy might be a potential bully, I hope not, and that things can all be sorted amicably 🙂

 

[HERE TINTIN]

Sally I had the same problem with a very "bad" boy at school, this was after he had seen me go hypo he wouldnt leave me alone and was quite horrible. I was brought up to be secretive about my diabetes, yet in the end I gave in and told him about my diabetes quite matter of factly and he was so interested it was unbelievable and from then on he was as kind as could be. Now I no this would not be the case for all boys, but sometimes what we fear is actually woese than the reality. Though I have no idea how you would get this over to your daughter, she just needs to know most people/children are just curious and are generally kind (I do appreciate some can be very cruel as well and it is a sad fact of life she will have to face that at some stage of her life). I really hope things go well at meeting today, a diabetes awareness day would be a great idea. Is your daughter brave enough with her friends, you, teachers (grandma?) to do a sort of show and tell ?, especially if the downs syndrome does it as well, I bet that would satisfy curiosity and solve some of the problems and possibly abate her fear of what people are thinking.

 

[Sally71]

Update

I got called in to do lunch supervision today so asked the other dinner ladies about the lad in question. (I must have seen him but can't remember him at all!) They said that he has a tendency to be a bit silly but isn't the bullying sort, so that's good.

Then went for meeting with teacher after school. He was most concerned to hear how upset my daughter had been. He agrees with the above assessment of the child in question, and said that what probably makes the situation worse is that where this child sits in class is immediately behind where my daughter goes to do her test, so he's practically breathing down her neck while she's doing it! He agrees that the child is probably just curious and perhaps nobody has ever told him that it's rude to stare! He also agreed with me that whilst we don't want to make a big song and dance about the fact that my daughter has D, we also don't want her to feel that she has to hide it either. We just want it to be something that she has to do that is nothing out of the ordinary.

So he's going to have a quiet word with said child tomorrow to explain in very simple terms something about what my daughter is doing and will also rearrange the classroom so that this child is not sitting so close to my daughter when she's testing. He also said that one of the other classrooms will be empty at that time so she has the option to go in there and do her test if that would make her feel more comfortable. We're hoping she won't feel the need for that though. She seems happy with this plan and has agreed that if she has any more problems she will talk about it much quicker next time. So hopefully a good result! 🙂

I did say (jokingly) that perhaps she should just plonk herself down I the seat opposite the boy, make a big show of doing the test in front of him and then yell out to the teacher "6.5, we're OK today!" or whatever
Her eyes went as wide as saucers - don't think she's ready for that sort of stunt then!

 

[Northerner]

Haha! That's probably what I would have suggested - I wouldn't make a good parent! 😱 😉

Great to hear that a plan is in place and she is happy with it, I hope it works well in practice 🙂