Tearing our hair out!

[shellyknees]

Hello Chaps, my sister and I need some urgent advise and opinions from anyone else going through the same or similar circumstances.
To cut a very long story short. Diabetes is in both sides of our family and goes back several generations. I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes in June 2008 and its taken me the best part of a year to come to terms with it. After falling off the wall and being warned by my nurse that if I did not control my diabetes better I would be put on insulin injections. That gave me a big kick up the posterior and have managed to reign myself in, Its been hard but Im getting there. But....
My mum who is in her 70s has type 1 diabetes and our dad, also in his 70 has type two. Mum has had it for the best part of 40 years and has not controlled it or even attempted too. Sadly at the age of 70, she has most of the complications which a person who suffers from diabetes and neglects them selves gets.

Over the last 5 months my sister and I have noticed that mum's memory is getting really bad. Eventually we got her to go to the doctors who has referred her to the local hospital for further memory tests. The doctors tested her blood sugars and found that they were all over the place and it tranpires that they have been for some time.
In as kind a way as possible the doctors read mum the riot act and they told her that if she only tried to control her carbohydrate intake and ate properly and exercised her memory and blood sugars would stabalise. Mum says that shes lived with diabetes for 40 years and is still alive, and that the doctors are making a fuss over nothing!

Mum is totally not interested and still continues to neglect herself and lives off a diet of bread and cheese, cakes and whatever else is easily to hand. We have tried everything we can to help mum eat better, but as soon as we are out of the house, mum reverts back to stuffing her face with what ever is bad for her. She's now got to the stage that she can not remember what or when she last ate and when she does eat, eats far to much and all the wrong things. Mums self neglect is now affecting the whole family. My eldest sister is mum and dads immediate carrer and I am second in line, a role that neither of us want but you do because they are our parents.
Our brother and sister live far enough away not to care or do anything about supporting mum and dad or us and it really is down to me and my elder sister to cope with mum and dads beligerance.
We are tearing our hair out because mum in particular just is not bothering and my sister and I are tearing our hair out because we do not know how to cope or care with two elderly parents who have basically given up. Has anyone got any ideas on who we can go to for support and advice? I'm sorry if this sounds unkind and uncaring, we love mum and dad a lot but we are so fed up with their selfishness and a total lack of knowing what to do or where to go from here. We feel like we have tried everything but mum is steadfastly independent and does not seem to care about what is happening or how it is affecting everyone else and blames everyone for what is happening to herself but wont do anything about it.
After a particularly distressing day yesterday where I took my mum out for the morning so my sister could talk to dad and ask if he had noticed mums deterioration in health and what we can do to help. We came to the conclusion that there is nothing we can do but sit back and watch mum kill herself while me, my sister and dad sit back helplessly and watch. This morning I woke up very angry and upset wishing that they both hurry up and shuffel off their mortal coils because our parents seem determined to race each other to their coffins and do not care about the consequences.

Both my sister and I are in our middle to late forties and have been working hard and planning on looking forward to retiring in about 2 -3 years time with great plans of seeing the world in a camper van with our respective partners and ending our lives in little bungalows near the sea.
These dreams and plans are going to have to be put on hold until mum and dad shuffel off their mortal coils, content that they have run us ragged and lead us a right merry dance. I hate my self for talking like this but thats what I mean by Tearing our hair out!!!

 

[bev]

Hi Shellknees,

Sorry to hear how awful things have become for you all. I dont have much advice to be honest, I just wanted to say that it sounds to me like you have tried everything you can and if your parents either cant/wont change the way they treat their health - there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.

Have you tried contacting the GP's and telling them how it is? Sometimes it takes a third party to be honest with people.

I would not put your lives on hold as you will feel angry and bitter about this. Your parents are both adults and if they choose a certain route to take in life - then I am afraid it is up to them.

My mum was a smoker and died of lung cancer - she knew all the risks - but it didnt stop her from smoking. None of us ever mentioned the smoking to her in the end because it was obvious why she had cancer and it was too late to change anything.

You can lead a horse to water and all that....

Try to remember that your parents are adults and are more than able to make decisions for themselves - however heartbreaking this is to watch - i really dont think there is anything more you can do.

Like the old saying goes 'how many phsycologists does it take to change a light bulb - none - because the lightbulb has to want to change itself'!

The only other avenue to look at is whether they are suffering from depression as this wont help them to make 'good decisions' about anything. Also, bear in mind that high levels will also make them irrational at times because they dont have the power to focus on a task or even to take advice. If you have them checked for depression or anything else and it appears that they are not suffering from anything - then you just have to let them live their lives as they please.

I hope they come to their senses soon and you and yours can start to lead your lives in a way that you choose.🙂Bev

 

[margie]

It sounds horrid. Did the Drs do any other tests on your Mum's memory or are they assuming its all down to the bloods.

I don't know who does the shopping but if its your Dad you could try and get him to buy more healthy food.

You and you sister need some time away. Would the more distant siblings be able to come and look after your parents whilst you and your sister take a break ? It might make them realise there is a problem. They should at the very least be giving you some psychological support. If not maybe you could have a word with your Dr and see if they can recommend where you can get some respite care so you can have a break or to find if there are any local support groups that could help.

In a way it sounds like your Mum is in denial, and even complications haven't made her think.

I hope you find someone who can help - but carry on venting here - it may make something click.

 

[Caroline Wilson]

I think you are in a difficult position. We used to do shopping and odd jobs for the old lady up the road. The more her son nagged, the worse she would behave, so the more he nagged, so it was a vicious circle.It was the same with my nan, the more my mum and uncle and aunt nagged at her not to smoke, the more she smoked because she enjoyed it! I'm not sure what to advise, but perhaps your brother nd sister might each like to spend time with your mum?

 

[shellyknees]

Hello Bev,
Thank you, your words are a comfort even though you feel that you could not offer much advice or help.
I think you are right and I do not know how we are going to be able to cope with letting our parents behave like they are and suffer the consequences. But you are right and I thank you for that. When my sister and I realised that our retirement plans would have to be shelved until our parents eventually kill themselves off, we both felt devastated, because we have been dreaming and working towards that goal. Now it looks like it will have to be put on hold while we live through this nightmare, it is making us very angry and bitter. Our parents doctors are fantastic. now they know there is a problem they are trying to reign mum in, but its really hard when mum cancels the appointments because she can not remember why or what the appointment was for. As for dad, I think he is depressed. he's housebound because he has a crumbling spine and basically told us that hes going to pop off before mum and hes waiting to die. (Dad is type 2 and tries to manage hes food intake but when he had his back injury the hospital and doctors told dad that he had to keep mobile. He didnt and chose to take it as permission to weld his but to the chair. Now dads life revolves round shuffling from his bed to the living room, watching tv all day and reading the papers! I should say he's depressed!
But the doctors will not prescribe him anything for it and dad will not go and see them so its stalemate where dad is concerned. Really sad but as you say you can not take a horse to water and the one about how many physcologists does it take to change a light bulb. I feel more positive today as I saw the dietician yesterday and It looks like I really have cracked it! Managed to loose 5lbs since December!

 

[shellyknees]

Hello Margie,

Thank you for your response. Mums doctors have been great by allowing my sister to discuss mums case with them, but its been an uphill struggle getting mum to the doctors. we are now waiting for a hospital appointment to do further memory tests for Alzeheimers and Dementia. Once they know what she has they will know how to treat her symptons.
Shopping is a debacle. As dad is house bound, mum does most of the shopping with my sister taking her out on regular shopping trips to the local shopping markets. Mum always says she has not got to get much then behaves like someone who has been let out for the first time and puts everything and anything in the trolly that they are not likely to eat or want. she spends between ?30 - 40 a day on shopping for 2 people! Their freezers are packed full to bursting and when you check the fridge its full of rotting food.
my sisiter found a dried up red pepper in a bowl of rice pudding the other day!
We have tried to do Tesco delivery shopping too but mum still goes out every day to the local shop and buys stuff.
As for our siblings. one of them lives in spain and the other got banned from our parents house about three years ago and uses the ban like a badge of exemption, every time they are called upon to help or support. the other problem is they do not beleive my and my sister because they speak to mum every week and she sounds like Good ol mum on the phone!
It's a tuffy! but thank you for your words of support. It is good to talk and get it off your chest is'nt it.

 

[shellyknees]

Hello Caroline,
Sorry, everyone, I've just realised I did not need to do individual replys, this is only day 2 of being on this site so, sorry to all who'es read my monolougues!
Caroline, Thank you too!
In a perfect world it would be great if our other two siblings felt more able to contribute. Sadly because of mum and dad, we have probably one of the most discombobulated families in England. It would appear that my brother and younger sister have kind of washed their hands of it and because of the distance they live, feel that it is an acceptable excuse not to get involved!
I think my parents my advocate, Act your shoe size not your age and look where its got them! How about "A day where you have'nt smiled is a day wasted"!

Thanks everyone! I will keep you posted from time to time, as I think me and my sister is going to need a bit more of this!

 

[Steff]

Hi shelly sorry i came into this thread late you have had some wonderful advice and i cant add much to it , but please as often as you can pop in and tell us how things are going xx