Support problems.

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hemase

Well-Known Member
Relationship to Diabetes
Type 2
This is not a go at my family as what I am about to say I honestly believe is not there fault. I cannot help feeling that the support I am getting from my parents is almost non exsistent. They dont talk to me about it, no support when it comes to meals and stuff.
My parents are very old fashioned, my Dad blames the doctor for my condition. The theory being if I had not seen the doctor I would not know about the diabetes. He has not seen a doctor in a long time.
They are very rigid and set when it comes to meal times and what they eat. I do all my own cooking now to make sure I stick to my healthy diet. My parents however feel the need to moan at me for not eating with them. Not only is the food they eat not best on the diet I am on but they tend to eat at set times, I prefer to eat when I am hungry, smaller meals more often as well.
I feel that because my diabetes is well controlled and I have never suffered with any problems they have dismissed it.
I am single and still live at home, my best friend has been my biggest supporter since diagnosis but I cannot rely on her as she lives two hours away and is married with kids.
I was just wondering what other peoples experiences have been with support form family and friends.
 
I'm sorry to hear you having problems with your family. I can understand how frustrating it can be. My parents were very similar to yours, but they blamed me for becoming diabetic, my father was especially unhelpful. It was his opinion that any illness is only in your mind.
But I am lucky now as my husband and friends are very understanding and helpful. Finding this board is also a great help. I found a lot of answers and support here.
 
Its difficult to answer because i dont know your age? But if you are over 18 then i would have thought it perfectly acceptable for you to eat when you want to eat. Or perhaps agree to eat with them twice a week but all the other times you should suit yourself!
It does sound as if they are set in their ways so i wouldnt even try to get them to understand why you have to eat healthily - sometimes its just not worth the bother! Hope you can come to some compromise soon!🙂 Bev
 
This situation also strikes me as one about the larger thing about diabetes -- that because it's 'invisible', people don't know -- or in your parents' case, choose not to know -- how very difficult, time-consuming and frustrating it can be to deal with. They sound a bit like they are in denial? And kind of blame you?

You may never be able to change them, as I'm sure you know. What's important is gathering support around you -- like this board, and via seeking out people who understand. Have you looked around for support groups? There are usually a lot of activities in all parts of the country I think...?
 
I do sympathise, my OH does not give me support. Although he has never actually said so, I think he believes my being type 2 is my own fault. I have given him leaflets and books to read but only glanced at them. My family think they are experts and are always telling me 'You can't eat that'!!! But when I was ill over Christmas I was left in bed with no food or drink! Not one of them thought to say 'hey mum, youv'e not eaten for ages'!! So, despite only being on Metformin I experienced my first hypo - not something I want to repeat! I guess we will just have to be patient and gradually 'educate' them!
 
Well im my sitution my OH drives me mad, he had an ex who unfortunetly passed away she was a t1 and i think now he has another partner who is diabetic he thinks he can somehow make amends with me it is very weird but how i feel.Funnily enough hs family have been more supportive then my own
 
I think most diabetics have had this experience at some time, people think "oh your diabetic you must of brought it on yourself " or because its a disease you cant see they think you are just making a fuss for nothing!! i get more support from my children aged 16 & 12 than i do from the rest of the family. I quite often get the "Oh if we go shopping your not going to hypo are you?? worried for themselves, not my wellfare!! ha ha. :D
 
I'm very fortunate as I get a lot of support from my husband and my friends nearly all the time. However, there are occasions when I come up against seriously obstructive individuals who either try to force food on me that I don't want or who regard my diabetes as my fault - some also seem to think that it might be catching! As the only family member who has been really awful lives in New Zealand, I can avoid her and my somewhat limited patience is just about enough to cope with the normal day-to-day idiocy I encounter
 
It is difficult for everyone. My dad is diabetic and every time I want to talk to him I get pushed away. I offered him copies of Balance and Sweet Magazines and his reaction was you don't want to read all that rubbish just eat normally.

In my teens every time I wanted to eat a more healthy diet I got no hlep and whenever I tried to do my own meals I was kept out of the kitchen by my parents. My mum said it was her job to cook and I was told by everyone else to eat what I was given and be happy.

How old are you and how old are your parents? I have found that some older people get set in their ways and do not want to change even to help keep their family healthy. It is a difficult situation to be in.

I am now also seeing it from my parents point of view as I am responsible for family meals, although I try to encourage people to eat a sesnible diet, I do not have hard and fast rules. The rest of the household does not always want to eat when I do, so we often end up with three or four meal times.

At least we have these boards.
 
Hi Hemase

Not sure of your age, but I was living with my parents after a year overseas, diagnosed overseas, started on insulin when I got home, aged 30 years. Not fun - no friends within 100 miles, no email or mobile phone (1996), semi-house-trained 19 year old male cousin also living at home, so I got treated as irresponsible, too, dad & cousin had very restricted food tastes eg didn't like anything spicy or rice or pasta, useless hospital which didn't know what to do with an active newly diagnosed T1 etc. Things improved when I got away, initially for weekends hiking / camping with friends and 3 nights per week rail passenger surveys, then to do MSc in 2 different cities, finding some supportive medical help along the way, purely by chance. These days, I spend 2 nights a month with parents, due to a part time job, and things are fine.

Sadly, funding situations for degrees have changed since I studied, but perhaps moving away from home is a possibility, whether for study or work?
 
wow im so sorry you dont have any support!!

i have never had that problem and couldnt even imagine what it must be like to not be able to have any support around you.

im sure though that you will find a lot of great folks on this site who will be able to help you with advice and also to let you just rant and blow off some steam if thats what you need to do 🙂

mike
 
I am in my late 20's and my parents are in there late 50's. As I have said I am lucky enough to have a very caring best friend who is a dominant personality and she has kept me on the straight and narrow and also stopped me from feeling sorry for myself.
I have two sisters and a brother and not once have they tried to discuss my dibetes with me. Again I dont think they mean any harm by it but just do not know how to react.
Thanks for the comments guys, sometimes the best support is just knowing you are not the only one going through these things.
 
Hi Hemase

I am sorry you feel you are not supported. I think from personal experience it is hard sometimes to relate to parents/siblings as a group of adults, it is easy to slip into old patterns of arguments which press each others buttons and are not productive. Some people do get uncomfortable and don't find it easy to be supportive especially about a health thing. My mum has recently been diagnosed with a healh condition and I have to say I don't find it easy to talk to her about it sometimes. My parents do not really support me with my diabetes either, I think they think I know what I'm doing and assume I would raise any problem with them.

Firstly, is it the actual food your parents object to or is it that you don't eat with them? Meal times can be communal times to chat and catch up with people. Would it be acceptable for your parents if you either sat with them while they ate their meal or had either a coffee, or a small snack to be sociable?

If your parents really want you to eat with them and eat the same meal, I think you all need to compromise on what you eat. Maybe you could look at each others diets and find a way to adapt your diets so everyone can get what they want. I think maybe your parents feel hurt since as parents they want to look after you, and cooking for someone is a big part of looking after them, and they may perceive that you are turning your nose up at their food. Some people do get set in their ways if they have been eating a certain way all their lives and if someone tells them their way is bad or unhealthy this can increase their determination to keep doing things their way. Maybe your parents are trying in the only way they know how, to look after you and provide food. Is there any way a modified version of their diet may be acceptable to you? Eg smaller carb portions maybe or lower fat ingredients or something like that. Maybe you could offer to cook for them for 1 day and see if they like it? Or you could agree to take responsibility for food and cooking on alternate days?

I know it is hard for young people to move out nowadays. I am in my late twenties myself and have found it very difficult to become independent. I think sadly at the end of the day it is your parents house. As Copepod said, if moving out is an option you should look into it. If not, then I think that you need to take the bull by the horns and try to talk sensibly to your parents and find some sort of compromise which you are all happy with. Sit down somewhere together and talk properly, so you are all paying attention and not distracted by other things. Explain that you do not want to cause them offence and you need a healthy diet because of your diabetes, and you would appreciate their support with this. Try to be reasonable and not blame them.
 
It is not that I am not eating with them, its that they believe that once they have eaten the kitchen should be out of bounds. They see it as me getting in the way.
I just had another argument today with my Dad. I went to make a sandwiche but he moaned because they had been out for two hours and I could have done this while they were out. I had to point out that I left the house at the same time as him but came back twenty minutes later so not sure what he wanted.
I do not want to call my father unfairly but I do feel he is being ignorant to my problem, my mum is not much better. Her helpful contribution to the argument was that I can eat what they eat sometimes. This may be true but I choose not to, so far I have lost two stone in weight and have everything under control.
I do not know what I can do other than move out and that is not something I can do anytime soon.
 
maybe you losing weight is threatening your parents point of view of the world, in that if you have to lose weight to be healthy then does that mean they have to as well - they might not like that idea much and are probably in denial over it
 
Wearing my mums hat we all worry our children are getting enough to eat and we worry when they start to loose weight if we don't understand why. My son is 22 and eats a fairly good balanced diet, but still I worry.

Is it possible you can go somewhere neutral and get a concilor or someone not emotionaly involved with you to help you and your family talk through things like eating and diabetes? Places like Relate are not just for marriage guidance, they are for all kinds of relationships. I don't know how open you parents might be to this kind of thing, but even if only you go, it might help?
 
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