Sorry if this is really bleak, but feeling like i've hit a wall

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thejolley1

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Relationship to Diabetes
Type 2
Think i’ve hit a bit of a brick wall. Things are going reasonably well. From diagnosis of 96 back in Oct last year i’ve got my last Hba1c to 43. I’m on diet/exercise only and sticking to a moderately low carb diet, lots of exercise, a great deal of weight lost. I was on Gliclazide on diagnosis as my nurse thought i was T1 but further testing put in the category of a young type 2.

Levels surprisingly ok without meds, usually in the 5s and 6s and recently got fasting into the 6s more consistently. My tip for that by the way seems to be a great deal of water before bed, flush out the system (usually accompanied by a middle of the night pee 🙂 ).

I had 3 slices of low GI bread last night and two hours after my blood was 7.6, higher than levels i’ve been having lately, but i know still not too bad.

But a conversation between my mum, wife and me: my mum said “well you did have quite a bit” to which my wife replied “but wouldn’t be a lot for a normal person”. Whilst I know it was not intended horribly, I just shut down.

Its really brought it all back for me, that word "normal" and my inability to continue to call myself that. I suspect i’ve bottled up some emotion for a while and kind of was validation of not being normal (whatever that is).

Was awake the majority of the night with some of the worst thoughts.
  • How can i live with this long term (i’m only 33, most people get T2 in later life)?
  • I have longer to live with this than most, sooner or later even if i'm on meds surely they can't work forever.
  • How can i stop thinking the worst?
  • Will i die young? Will i live with pain until then.
  • Why is there no way out of this prison of a disease? Why can’t they cure it?
  • I wish i could just eat and drink like a normal person without feeling guilt.
  • Its not fair, theres lots of people who i see that stuff their face and get away with it.
I realise its all very self loathing and i should be grateful to be where i am but some days I struggle to muster up the energy to keep trying.

My last meeting with my diabetic nurse went along the lines of you’ve done amazing BUT it is progressive and eventually you will be on medication and probably insulin. Its comments like that which make this disease really feel futile.

Sounds like burnout right? I just can’t see how i’m ever going to not have that negative feeling like a weight around your neck, knowing the future can and statistically could be very bleak.
 
There are a few of us younger T2's. I was about 36.

You probably need some help with your anxiety - speak to your GP about that. There is actually no reason that a diabetic can't live the same life as a non-diabetic (i.e, it's not guaranteed that you will die young in lots of pain).

Yes, it is annoying sometimes that there are things you have to restrict in your diet, especially when you are on diet/exercise. It's even more annoying when there are other diabetics that get back to "normal" when it seems you can't do that yourself (everyone is different).
 
Hi thejolley1
When I get down, I try and think of the positives in my life and there are many. I don't think there is a member on here who hasn't thought like you at some point and 'normal' people get anxious and depressed so you're no different in that respect. I could point out many members on here who have had T1 for several decades. One member, for example, type 1 since England won the world cup 1966 that's 50+ years and the syringes were bigger in those days. My son T1 for 30 years, I could go on and on. There is no reason why you cannot live to a ripe old age ( and see England win the world cup again🙂) If we all pondered how long we have to live and the risks associated with it, life wouldn't be worth living. Diabetes is a serious disease but if you look after it, try and control it then there's nothing you can't do that a 'normal' person does. I myself live with the fear that I could have another serious attack of pancreatitis (diagnosed autoimmune pancreatitis) and that could be curtains for me. But until that day may arrive I try and live a 'normal' life'. I'm also T2, initially on oral meds but now on insulin therapy. It's not that bad. The trick is to get into a routine. Yes you do have to pay attention to what you eat but then so do millions of people for many other reasons. I wonder how many of the people who stuff their faces will end up dying young or having serious diseases- quite a high percentage I would imagine.
 
thejolley1 said:
I realise its all very self loathing and i should be grateful to be where i am but some days I struggle to muster up the energy to keep trying.

My last meeting with my diabetic nurse went along the lines of you’ve done amazing BUT it is progressive and eventually you will be on medication and probably insulin. Its comments like that which make this disease really feel futile.

Sounds like burnout right? I just can’t see how i’m ever going to not have that negative feeling like a weight around your neck, knowing the future can and statistically could be very bleak.
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The comments from your diabetic nurse are not that uncommon jolly...many of us have heard that negative prediction (the voice of doom) however your management/control of your diabetes sounds excellent...from an HbA1c of 96 to 43 in five months is admirable...I would disregard the prediction that eventually your diabetes will progress to the point where you will require insulin...it is not & should not be accepted as an inevitability...as for normal we are perfectly normal we just happen to have diabetes...diagnosed at the age of 33 may seem like a raw deal...unlikely as it sounds there are many positives that you were diagnosed so early...some of us here were diabetic many years before our diagnosis...myself included...with an HbA1c of 43 you are just in pre-diabetic range...under 42 is non-diabetic...so just a small step to non-diabetic range...don't be too downhearted by the comments from your family its just a lack of understanding...have you done much reading on T2?...really it's not/doesn't have to be the road to an early lingering painful death as you fear...its very early days for you yet...I remember shortly after my first diabetic review feeling exactly the same...my BGs were under control...my weight was down...however I concentrated on how can I possibly keep this up for the next XX years...that will pass...as for your family & friends what a perfect opportunity to educate them onT2 diabetes...there is a huge misconception surrounding T2...try to read up on it...research...we can get to the point where managing our blood sugars becomes like second nature...give yourself some more time...try to take the positives from your diagnosis...good luck.
 
You have to find a way of eating that works for you and can maintain long term. Initially I adopted a way of eating that was not sustainable for me long term. 4-5 years ago I started to reduce the portions I ate, and watched the carbs I ate not very low like some.The result is weight came off and has stayed off and been more stable. I do fall off the wagon occasionally .
I was able to stop my Glicazide 2 years ago. Though still on Metformin and Sitaglipin.
 
Thanks everyone i do really appreciate the kind words. I definitely do try to look at the positives but in some ways it makes it harder thinking about what you stand to lose. I was diagnosed a week or so after my daughter was born and coupled with a very incapable nurse announcing "You definitely have type 1 (regardless of any other blood tests that came back) and to get to A&E or i could go into a coma". Incidentally i've since moved doctors.

I think after processing all that, learning more about the disease and since getting it under control, my body has been looking for the next fight that isn't there. Its almost like i struggle to accept that everything is OK at the moment because the way I was told I figured my number was up or i would be very very ill and keep trying to fight that (Does that make sense?).

I've been something of a lurker on the forums so far, so hopefully i can pay it forward once i get my head right. Theres lots of things i do miss but i agree when people say its just the thing that got them to get their life together.

Its just hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel right now, but as with my diabetes itself perhaps I should trust things can and will be better, if i keep working at it.

Slightly off topic, my nurse has now advised me to stop testing, or to put it another way they aren't going to fund it anymore. Do people find that continuing to test using something like the codefree strips helps or hinders things emotionally? Can be reassuring when its good but hugely demotivating when its not so good.
 
On the Codefree thing, yes! absolutely! I find it an enormous help - I don't test so often as I did (actually I'm doing it more regularly now for a while as my review is coming up in May) and I find satisfaction when the numbers are consistent and good. I do find that sleepless nights (my husband isn't well at the moment and was up half the night) don't help, and stressing out isn't good.

I felt pretty fed up with it all the other day, but know that it's just something I have to get on with. My daughter works in catering in a well-known hospital and mentioned she's on the diabetic ward at the moment. She knows that it is a serious condition and said that a lot of patients do not look after themselves and end up much worse.... but that's them, and they are foolish. But you've done so well in just a few months. Hang on in there - it's hard at times but the benefits of a healthy lifestyle that you can maintain outweigh the negatives.

We all have our bad days and feel wretched, but please remember that we are here for you and can give support and encouragement. I don't know what I'd do without this forum, as it is a wonderful and loving place. All the best to you, my friend 🙂
 
What levels are you aiming for when you test?
I've tested "normal" people when I've rested myself, some of the results are surprising.
 
thejolley1 said:
Thanks everyone i do really appreciate the kind words. I definitely do try to look at the positives but in some ways it makes it harder thinking about what you stand to lose. I was diagnosed a week or so after my daughter was born and coupled with a very incapable nurse announcing "You definitely have type 1 (regardless of any other blood tests that came back) and to get to A&E or i could go into a coma". Incidentally i've since moved doctors.

I think after processing all that, learning more about the disease and since getting it under control, my body has been looking for the next fight that isn't there. Its almost like i struggle to accept that everything is OK at the moment because the way I was told I figured my number was up or i would be very very ill and keep trying to fight that (Does that make sense?).

makes perfect sense to me. I was the other way around to you - diagnosed wrongly Type 2, got more and more ill and eventually re-diagnosed Type 1. All that time I was battling with my blood sugars and the Drs and reading up on everything. Then I had to learn all about type 1 and injecting insulin and carb counting etc. When I finally came up for air and was getting better results, that's when I got miserable about it all. Like you say, I almost needed a new battle!
Good luck and keep posting
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I could never eat a 'normal' diet without putting on weight - I reached 264lb on a cholesterol reducing diet - and it didn't do that - though I was told that my life was in danger from the readings I was getting - so when I was diagnosed type two and went straight back to low carb - the same way of eating I have tried to do for decades, it was such a relief - normal blood glucose and falling weight.
It isn't us who are wrong, it is those who believe that it is right to eat processed grain and all the other things which spike blood glucose and accuse us of being gluttonous, idle etc. when things go pear shaped.
 
travellor said:
What levels are you aiming for when you test?
I've tested "normal" people when I've rested myself, some of the results are surprising.
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I've done this too, @travellor. Once tested my niece, who is not diabetic, after she had quite a bit of chocolate & it was 8.6! My wife, also not diabetic, has tested over 6 in the morning when apparently, 'normals' should be under 6. And one more thing I checked was 1 hour after food between me & wifey. We would both peak about the same, & if it was something naughty, we would both be quite high, but wifey's BG would return to normal after 2 hours (5's) when I would still be higher & not return to normal until 3 hours.
 
Really interesting. I've had the same with a friend and my wife who were 5.7 and 6.0. The line between between being diabetic and non-diabetic seems to be so small.

I suppose my aim would be to reach levels that would keep me in the pre or non-diabetic range on HBA1C. At least for now, if i needed to go on meds again down the line I can live with that but its a long road ahead.

I'm in a much better place today from when i posted yesterday. I sat and had a long chat with my wife and we looked at what it actually stops me doing and what i miss/ how it changes things for me.

It boiled down to:
  • Having to keep up exercise - Let be honest this is a good idea diabetic or not.
  • Missing bread - Slight tweaks get round this when i really fancy it. Lidls protein rolls (lets hope they return) or low carb wraps are still options.
  • Missing chocolate - Perhaps me achilles heel, but again high cocoa content choc in moderation seems to have little effect and my wife has made a few ace low carb desserts, low carb cheesecake might be better than the real thing.
  • Beer - I've become something of a wine drinker since diagnosis, less bloating, less beer belly
When i list it like that i really have little to complain about. But in your weakest moments, tell me that and its in one ear and out the other.

I do worry about what the future holds but i suppose with a level head on, everyone will get ill in one way or another, its inevitable as age creeps. No ones getting out of here alive as they say. My biggest fear is missing out on life, not seeing my daughter grow up and stuff like that.

I look at some of the signatures on here in terms of HBA1Cs and i'm amazed, such dedication. My fear is being able to maintain the good work. But without a doubt its been a huge rocket up the butt in terms of motivation. So in that respect every cloud has a silver lining.
 
Good for you - we all have our "off" times but you have to focus on the positives (hard at times I know) and looks like you are doing that. Best of luck🙂
 
thejolley1 said:
...Missing chocolate - Perhaps me achilles heel, but again high cocoa content choc in moderation seems to have little effect and my wife has made a few ace low carb desserts, low carb cheesecake might be better than the real thing
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I've been enjoying discovering various dark chocolates, mostly 75% and up. Can find some really nice ones out there depending on your taste. Although watch the added sugar on some of them.
 
Have you tried the Burgen soya and linseed bread? I and many others find it OK. And the Mosser Roth chocolate (cherry chill) from Aldi is lovely!
 
@Jeandp I haven't its one on my list as i hear good things. I've just literally tried Livlife bread available at Waitrose and i believe Morrisons. I'm very impressed with it at 3.8g carbs a slice. In that regard doing the research has helped enormously as when i was first taking up low carb i remember looking around saying, shouldn't have that, shouldn't have that.

Maybe i have more knowledge or its a post new year thing but i swear more and more lower carb products are cropping up. Maybe the tide is turning and people are waking up to the fact that too many carbs just isn't good.

Mosser Roth is ace too. Then again i'm a bit of an Aldi lover anyway.
 
@Mark T Yeah i've found the dark chocolate challenge quite interesting. Lots of people swear by the Green and Blacks stuff. I agree though its a little too nice and need to be more restrained. Sainsburys do a 85% pack that comes in 5 individual bars much like the Mosser Roth ones. £1.40 i think they were and 4.2g of carbs. Chocologic (available at Morrisons and Tesco) was one i reached for early on but different in that it uses sweeteners to give it a more authentic taste. Tend to opt for the higher % cocoa real stuff now though.
 
Eww lovely stuff thanks @Jeandp

My other half bless her has become a right low carb baker since been on maternity leave.

Really having to take advantage of that whole "in sickness and health" line of the vows as she's become a bit of a low carber by proxy. :D

Not that i'd class my self as sick, i hasten to add.
 
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