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So annoyed with myself

L

london5

Member
Relationship to Diabetes
Type 1
Morning
Is this just me or do other people do this? Last few days, and at points over time, I just completely check out of being type 1. I still inject but I dont really pay attention and I eat rubbish, really bad things, crisps, scones, sweets and I really dont care. It lasts a few days and then I switch back to proper eating having beaten myself senseless with my own stupidity!

That said I have only been diagnosed for a couple of years and I am older. I am facing facing redundancy from my NHS job which is not easy to live with every day and the worry and stress certainly isn't helping, but I'll still be type 1 whatever so why I can't I just accept it and do the right thing at least with my food? I do cook and I like all the 'good' things anyway and I'm vegetarian too. It seems a little early to be experiencing burnout, yet that's almost exactly how I feel.
 
Sorry to read about the risk of redundancy. Sadly it seems to becoming a little too common. It is understandable that it can affect your mental health.
As Type 1 diabetes is managed with insulin (not diet), the diet is no different to that for someone without diabetes. As you mention you continue taking your insulin, a few days of eating "rubbish" is going to be little different for us than someone without diabetes.
I often mention how important it is to look after the whole person rather than focusing solely upon our diabetes. If the days of crisps, scones and sweet make you feel better, don't beat yourself up about it. Managing diabetes with the stress of redundancy is challenging.
That said, there is no timescale for diabetes burnout. If you are concerned, talk to your diabetes team or GP and ask for help.
But don't be annoyed for being human. Be kind to yourself.
 
Thanks I take your point about diet not being the management tool but you still feel guilty, or i do.
Yes redundancy seems to be the new curse and I feel truly sorry for anyone facing it.
I dont like to bother the team, there's not many of them and they have only nurses and a dietician and they're doubtless overwhelmed. GP surgery is hopeless and I'm not being unkind, they really are. I guess I'll pick myself up again in a while....but thank you for your understanding.
 
Always ask for help from your time, if you don't ask they will think your fine. Also it is not on you how busy they are, if they need more resources it is someone's job to manage that, they can't get more resource without the demand for it. Lean on them for help, its their jobs.

Don't beat yourself up, set small goals and life is about balance. One bad day/week/month even year isn't your whole life.

Sounds like burnout to me. Please get help.
 
Hello @london5,

Sorry to read your initial post and how things are getting to you. I think there is a lot of evidence, as well as opinion, that burnout exists and is a real problem. Of course how to manage it is far from easy. I'm all too frequently annoyed with myself, not just about wobbly D days, but with anything that isn't behaving for me.

I'm fortunate, in that my T3c with full MDI definitely, frequently, gets to me - but I have full awareness that my D is a long way better than the cause of my D. I surrendered my panc'y to the NHS finding a cure for the pancreatic cancer that was strangling my panc'y. So whenever I feel sorry for myself, in whatever scenario, I remember I'm alive and now into extended life expectancy and tell myself to be grateful! I know this is unique to me, but perhaps you can find some equivalent more positive outlook to give you some breathing space and convince yourself that it's all doable, resolvable and just needs that deep breath before resolving each annoyance.

I also, most luckily, had a lot of support from my (then - we've moved) local hospice, which was an outpatients only facility. They led me into a mindfulness course, which I still try to practice when times are not so bright. At first I thought it was a load of politically correct, patronising, stuff; definitely not for me, a mature confident adult who didn't need even the concepts - I knew better how to cope! But I cannot deny the idea of mindfulness is great, the processes at the very least distract and calm me, soothing my anger and frustration. And there are a huge number of different ways to practice some mindfulness, with endless permutations to each of those ways. The outcome is invariably always helpful to me mentally and that leads to less stress, which leads to better diabetes management. Win, win for me.

Your post this morning and responses, does tell me that even starting this thread sounds more positive for you a few hours on.

The other thing that I found has been that time, some thought and a lot of trial and learning has made my D management a lot easier. It's still "Complicated, Confusing and Contradictory" as Gary Scheiner says early on in his book "Think Like a Pancreas". But today I do a lot more of that D management routinely, even sublimally. I feel less threatened by "consequences" when I have a less than perfect D day; I'm happy to review such days briefly: did I do something that I might do better or differently tomorrow? If so a small lesson to learn. If not park today and move on. Previously I could let such days niggle me constantly and that not only didn't help, but added to my stress levels.

Having mentioned that Scheiner tells us that D is Complicated - have you (now some 18 months on) come across the 42 Factors that can affect our BG? I'm attaching a link in case this idea is new to you. It at least gives fair explanation about the things you have a reasonable chance of managing, but also a realistic justification for why there is a lot about managing our D that is unrealistic. Perfection of that D management is impossible, so gracefully accept that and let things pass without undue annoyance.

Finally sorry to read about your fears for possible redundancy. I have no way of helping you with that, but I understand the stress and anxiety such moments cause. I wish you well for the outcome.

Meanwhile do keep posting, asking questions, engaging with us generally. It's pretty good for our souls.
 
@london5 - been there, done that, many many times since 1972. You and me are like Worzel Gummidge, who had different heads for different things so after however long this temporary state of affairs happens to last 'this time' - at some point I mentally lecture myself and say :-

Come on, Jen, don't be daft, you know damn well you can't carry on like this - well you know you could, but also know too well that only you will suffer the consequences, nobody else - so for God's sake, put your Sensible Head back on and start behaving like an intelligent adult again! You've had a little rest, it's all you can ever hope for with this condition.

I have been personally been able to cope with my strategy for a very long time now, knowing damn fine well that I've also made other worse, much longer lasting bad choices in my life generally - but what I did, I've had to live with, and I have, reasonably well, it looks like. My mother used to tell me that when you make your own bed, you have to live with it - much as it pains me to admit she was right - I have found that to be true too may times to not believe it.

Diabetically speaking - hardly a complication evident except very occasionally eg temporary slight background retinopathy. Just now I'm 75 the effects of anno domini generally are more of a nuisance day to day than Type 1 diabetes!

Never being an NHS worker, and being a bit impatient generally - it has gradually sunk in that it's much more sensible to be a patient Patient - and 'being kind to myself' is simply an essential add-on to that.

You're doing great, mate - you really can do this - honestly. {{{Hugs}}}
 
Proud to be erratic said:
Hello @london5,

Sorry to read your initial post and how things are getting to you. I think there is a lot of evidence, as well as opinion, that burnout exists and is a real problem. Of course how to manage it is far from easy. I'm all too frequently annoyed with myself, not just about wobbly D days, but with anything that isn't behaving for me.

I'm fortunate, in that my T3c with full MDI definitely, frequently, gets to me - but I have full awareness that my D is a long way better than the cause of my D. I surrendered my panc'y to the NHS finding a cure for the pancreatic cancer that was strangling my panc'y. So whenever I feel sorry for myself, in whatever scenario, I remember I'm alive and now into extended life expectancy and tell myself to be grateful! I know this is unique to me, but perhaps you can find some equivalent more positive outlook to give you some breathing space and convince yourself that it's all doable, resolvable and just needs that deep breath before resolving each annoyance.

I also, most luckily, had a lot of support from my (then - we've moved) local hospice, which was an outpatients only facility. They led me into a mindfulness course, which I still try to practice when times are not so bright. At first I thought it was a load of politically correct, patronising, stuff; definitely not for me, a mature confident adult who didn't need even the concepts - I knew better how to cope! But I cannot deny the idea of mindfulness is great, the processes at the very least distract and calm me, soothing my anger and frustration. And there are a huge number of different ways to practice some mindfulness, with endless permutations to each of those ways. The outcome is invariably always helpful to me mentally and that leads to less stress, which leads to better diabetes management. Win, win for me.

Your post this morning and responses, does tell me that even starting this thread sounds more positive for you a few hours on.

The other thing that I found has been that time, some thought and a lot of trial and learning has made my D management a lot easier. It's still "Complicated, Confusing and Contradictory" as Gary Scheiner says early on in his book "Think Like a Pancreas". But today I do a lot more of that D management routinely, even sublimally. I feel less threatened by "consequences" when I have a less than perfect D day; I'm happy to review such days briefly: did I do something that I might do better or differently tomorrow? If so a small lesson to learn. If not park today and move on. Previously I could let such days niggle me constantly and that not only didn't help, but added to my stress levels.

Having mentioned that Scheiner tells us that D is Complicated - have you (now some 18 months on) come across the 42 Factors that can affect our BG? I'm attaching a link in case this idea is new to you. It at least gives fair explanation about the things you have a reasonable chance of managing, but also a realistic justification for why there is a lot about managing our D that is unrealistic. Perfection of that D management is impossible, so gracefully accept that and let things pass without undue annoyance.

Finally sorry to read about your fears for possible redundancy. I have no way of helping you with that, but I understand the stress and anxiety such moments cause. I wish you well for the outcome.

Meanwhile do keep posting, asking questions, engaging with us generally. It's pretty good for our souls.
Click to expand...
Thank you for all of this and I did read the link.
Im not sure i do feel better really, but I'm truly grateful for everyone's supportive emails. Im so sorry to hear about your cancer, I lost a friend to it during lockdown at only 48 so I imagine you do indeed feel fortunate. Although Diabetes is hardly a small thing, it is survivable. I'm so glad you came through your ordeal.
Like you and your initial reaction to mindfulness, it honestly winds me up more! But perhaps its just people (not you) labelling something as mindful when i thought i was just aimlessly wandering or scribbling on a scrap of paper!!
Thank you for your good wishes, it's about all I have on that front. Not just me of course since our fabulous SoS for health decided all the 'pen pushers' had to go. There are tens of thousands of us which is perhaps why it feels so certain.
Yes, i agree this forum is really valuable on so many fronts. The people on here seem genuinely lively....unusual in cyber space!
 
trophywench said:
@london5 - been there, done that, many many times since 1972. You and me are like Worzel Gummidge, who had different heads for different things so after however long this temporary state of affairs happens to last 'this time' - at some point I mentally lecture myself and say :-

Come on, Jen, don't be daft, you know damn well you can't carry on like this - well you know you could, but also know too well that only you will suffer the consequences, nobody else - so for God's sake, put your Sensible Head back on and start behaving like an intelligent adult again! You've had a little rest, it's all you can ever hope for with this condition.

I have been personally been able to cope with my strategy for a very long time now, knowing damn fine well that I've also made other worse, much longer lasting bad choices in my life generally - but what I did, I've had to live with, and I have, reasonably well, it looks like. My mother used to tell me that when you make your own bed, you have to live with it - much as it pains me to admit she was right - I have found that to be true too may times to not believe it.

Diabetically speaking - hardly a complication evident except very occasionally eg temporary slight background retinopathy. Just now I'm 75 the effects of anno domini generally are more of a nuisance day to day than Type 1 diabetes!

Never being an NHS worker, and being a bit impatient generally - it has gradually sunk in that it's much more sensible to be a patient Patient - and 'being kind to myself' is simply an essential add-on to that.

You're doing great, mate - you really can do this - honestly. {{{Hugs}}}
Click to expand...
Ah bless you. Im not quite there yet on the age front, but not so far away and it is one of the things I worry about. How will this work as I age what if my arthritic fingers can't manage the pens/pumps/out!!!

Life eh, over-rated sometimes and i'd be willing to bet I've made life choices that outrank yours on the stupidity scale!!

Worzel Gummidge...I remember it well. If only it were that easy to swap heads and put on your sensible one!

Thank you for the virtual hug too. x
 
london5 said:
......... GP surgery is hopeless and I'm not being unkind, they really are. I guess ....
Click to expand...
@london5, apologies. I meant to pick up in this point in my earlier reply.

The NICE remit firmly places T2 responsibilities with GPs but not for T1. To my mind this makes sense: even correctly diagnosing T1 is sometimes far from easy and management of it is really well outside the scope of General Practice. The consequence is that GP Surgeries may encounter T1s for some or most of their 8 annual checks, but otherwise have little (probably very little) knowledge of insulin dependency. A GP's Surgery Nurse may have the job title of Diabetes Nurse, but that Nurse's knowledge and experience with managing Diabetes is actually relatively narrow, predominantly for people treated by oral meds. So the hopelessness for T1s is inevitable at a General Practice.
 
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