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SILLY SILLY LIMERICKS

Contused

Well-Known Member
Relationship to Diabetes
Type 2
Another Spoonerick…

Jack the Ripper's grandmother they view
As having been unbalanced, too.
For in restrooms she'd lurk
To stab folks with a dirk…
An old woman who shivved in a loo.
 

Contused

Well-Known Member
Relationship to Diabetes
Type 2
There was a young lady called Weems,
Who, it seems, was afflicted with dreams.
She would wake in the night,
And in terrible fright,
Shake the beams of the house with her screams.

however…

The Honourable Winifred Wemyss
Saw styli and snakes in her dremyss,
And these she enjeud
Until she heard Freud
Say, "Nothing is quite what it semyss."
 

Contused

Well-Known Member
Relationship to Diabetes
Type 2
Said philosopher-physicist Jeans,
"How many or few are five beans?
Friend Einstein says four,
Five, six, or more,
But I'm blowed if I know what he means."
 

Contused

Well-Known Member
Relationship to Diabetes
Type 2
There was a young lady named Jo,
Who was padded from head to her toe.
She was hit by a truck,
Which was very bad luck.
She's still bouncing, as far as we know.

There was a young lady named Lee,
Who swam all alone in the sea.
People said, "You'll be drowned."
But she sniffed and she frowned,
And said, "Pish, tosh and fiddle-de-dee!"

There was a young lady called Muffet,
Who sat spooning whey on a tuffet,
When a hairy arachnid
In terms coarse and hackneyed,
Succinctly enjoined her to stuff it.

The inept young person, Miss Muffet,
Had further bad luck with her tuffet.
Some used-tuffet dealers
Decided to steal hers,
So now she must hire one… or rough it.

There was a young lady of Ryde,
Whose locks were consid'rably dyed.
The hue of her hair
Made everyone stare…
"She's piebald, she'll die bald!" they cried.

There was a young lady of Ryde
Who was carried too far by the tide.
Cried a man-eating shark,
"How's this for a lark?
I knew that the Lord would provide."
 

Contused

Well-Known Member
Relationship to Diabetes
Type 2
There was a young girl in the choir,
Whose voice rose higher and higher,
Till it reached such a height,
It was clear out of sight,
And they found it next day in the spire.

To a flirty young girl from Marseilles,
Said her uncle, the vintner, "Some day
Some one of your fellows
May start to grow jealous,
And ask you just which Beaujolais!"

There was a young girl from Peru,
Who regretted her lovers were few.
So she walked from her door,
With a fig leaf, no more.
And now she's in bed… with the flu.

There was a young girl from St. Cyr,
Whose reflex reactions were queer.
Her escort said, "Mabel,
Get up off the table…
That money's to pay for the beer."

There was a young girl of Shanghai
Who was so exceedingly shy,
That undressing at night,
She turned off the light
For fear of the All-Seeing Eye.
 

Contused

Well-Known Member
Relationship to Diabetes
Type 2
For many miles my Volks did roam,
All covered with bright, shiny chrome.
The day that she died,
I wept and I cried,
Now she's parked at the old Volk's home.
 

Contused

Well-Known Member
Relationship to Diabetes
Type 2
There was a sick man of Tobago,
Who'd lived long on rice-gruel and sago.
But at last, to his bliss,
His physician said this,
"To a roast leg of mutton you may go."
 

Contused

Well-Known Member
Relationship to Diabetes
Type 2
An accountant, accounting with vigour,
Came across an unusual figure.
He pursed up his lips
With his hands on his hips
And his eyes just got bigger and bigger.
 

Contused

Well-Known Member
Relationship to Diabetes
Type 2
Some of Lear's better limericks to celebrate his birthday…

There was an Old Man of the Coast,
Who placidly sat on a post;
But when it was cold,
He relinquished his hold
And called for some hot buttered toast.
- Edward Lear

There was a Young Lady whose eyes
Were unique as to colour and size.
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
- Edward Lear

There was an Old Lady whose folly
Induced her to sit in a holly,
Whereupon, by a thorn
Her dress being torn,
She quickly became melancholy.
- Edward Lear

There was an Old Person of Mold,
Who shrank from sensations of cold.
So he purchased some muffs,
Some furs, and some fluffs,
And wrapped himself up from the cold.
- Edward Lear

There was an Old Man who supposed
That the street door was partially closed;
But some very large rats
Ate his coats and his hats,
While that futile old gentleman dozed.
- Edward Lear

There was an Old Man who said, "Well!
Will nobody answer that bell?
I have pulled day and night,
'Til my hair has turned white,
But nobody answers this bell!"
- Edward Lear
 

Contused

Well-Known Member
Relationship to Diabetes
Type 2
There was a rash fellow named Weir,
Who hadn't an atom of fear.
He indulged a desire
To touch a live wire…
'Most any last line will do here.
 

Contused

Well-Known Member
Relationship to Diabetes
Type 2
Is it Friday the thirteenth today?
How silly! What nonsense, I say!
Last time I went broke,
My Dad had a stroke,
And my wife and my dog ran away.
 

Contused

Well-Known Member
Relationship to Diabetes
Type 2
Another Spoonerick…

The alarm on the stand starts to chime,
And Marceau from his covers does climb.
Two bread slices down
Until they are brown…
His breakfast fare, toast of the mime.
 

Contused

Well-Known Member
Relationship to Diabetes
Type 2
Said a wicked old madame named Belle,
Whom the preacher was threatening with Hell,
"I have no regrets,
No doubts, and no debts.
If I haven't done good, I've done well."

Kate the Great, much irate, said, "It's clear,
Court procurer, you've got a bum ear.
I said, 'Bring me a NORSE,'
You dumb twit, not a horse.
…Oh, what the hell, so long as it's here… "

There was an old chap who said, "Well,
I think my gout's giving me hell,
But until one can find
Which is Matter, which Mind,
How the hell is a fellow to tell?"
 

Contused

Well-Known Member
Relationship to Diabetes
Type 2
"Come now," said Bell, "this is choice.
The first telephone! Let's rejoice!
Now listen, folks all
To the very first call…"
'Sorry, number engaged,' said a voice.
 

Contused

Well-Known Member
Relationship to Diabetes
Type 2
A young nun who made notes in her diary,
That were terribly torrid and fiery,
Once left it behind
For her abbess to find.
Now she isn't allowed in the priory.
 

Contused

Well-Known Member
Relationship to Diabetes
Type 2
There was a young fellow from Fife,
Who had a big row with his wife.
He lost half his nose,
Two-thirds of his toes,
One ear, seven teeth, and his life.
 

Contused

Well-Known Member
Relationship to Diabetes
Type 2
An epicure living at Gratz,
Was exceedingly partial to bats.
He relished them toasted,
Or boiled, baked, or roasted,
Or thoroughly stewed in old hats.
 

Contused

Well-Known Member
Relationship to Diabetes
Type 2
Well, lately I've been quite a jerk.
I've fallen behind in my work,
So don't be too picky,
This is only a quickie,
'Til I find my way out of the murk.
 

Contused

Well-Known Member
Relationship to Diabetes
Type 2
A gentle old lady I knew
Was dozing one day in her pew,
When the preacher yelled, "Sin!"
She said, "Count me in!
Just as soon as the service is through!"

There was an old lady of Leicester,
Whose numerous ailments obsessed her.
She found no allure
In an M & B cure,
And sedatives simply depressed her.

There was a old lady of Leicester,
And no man had ever caressed her.
And all day she'd wriggle
And giggle and jiggle,
As though seven devils possessed her.

A kindly old lady once said,
To a thief she found under her bed,
"So near to the door,
And so close to the floor,
I'm afraid you'll catch cold in your head."
 

Contused

Well-Known Member
Relationship to Diabetes
Type 2
A dentist named Archibald Moss
Fell in love with the dainty Miss Ross,
But he held in abhorrence
Her Christian name, Florence,
So he renamed her his Dental Floss.
 
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