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SILLY SILLY LIMERICKS
- Thread starter Wirrallass
- Start date
Contused
Well-Known Member
- Relationship to Diabetes
- Type 2
There was a young fellow called Matt,
Who climbed on a chair like a cat.
He thought he would risk it
And reach for a biscuit,
But fell on the floor and went splat.
A Young Lady with birds in her bonnet
Became cross when Cat Foss leaped upon it.
As the birds flew away,
The Young Lady did say,
"Now you've gone and done it, dog-gone it!"
Foss was the name of Lear's cat.
There was an old feline named Foss,
Who wished to share mice with his boss.
He'd bring one and purr
But Lear would demur,
On grounds they had run out of sauce.
Of all creatures that walk, swim, or fly,
I'll take cats, though I can't tell you why.
I'd not alter my course
For a dog or a horse,
Yet for one little pussy, I'd die!
There was an old spinster from Fife,
Who had never been kissed in her life.
Then along came a cat
And she said, "I'll kiss that!"
But the cat meowed, "Not on your life!"
A cat in despondency sighed,
And resolved to commit suicide.
She passed under the wheels
Of eight automobiles,
And under the ninth one, she died.
Who climbed on a chair like a cat.
He thought he would risk it
And reach for a biscuit,
But fell on the floor and went splat.
A Young Lady with birds in her bonnet
Became cross when Cat Foss leaped upon it.
As the birds flew away,
The Young Lady did say,
"Now you've gone and done it, dog-gone it!"
Foss was the name of Lear's cat.
There was an old feline named Foss,
Who wished to share mice with his boss.
He'd bring one and purr
But Lear would demur,
On grounds they had run out of sauce.
Of all creatures that walk, swim, or fly,
I'll take cats, though I can't tell you why.
I'd not alter my course
For a dog or a horse,
Yet for one little pussy, I'd die!
There was an old spinster from Fife,
Who had never been kissed in her life.
Then along came a cat
And she said, "I'll kiss that!"
But the cat meowed, "Not on your life!"
A cat in despondency sighed,
And resolved to commit suicide.
She passed under the wheels
Of eight automobiles,
And under the ninth one, she died.
Contused
Well-Known Member
- Relationship to Diabetes
- Type 2
Our little neighbour next door,
An inquisitive kid to the core,
He always asks, "Why?"
I give it a try,
But I end up with questions galore!
A charming old lady named Gretel,
Instead of a hat, wore a kettle.
When they called her misguided,
She said, "I've decided
To show all the neighbours my mettle."
There was a trombonist called Herb,
Whose playing was loud, though superb.
When neighbours complained,
Young Herbert explained,
"But great art is meant to disturb."
From your childhood I'm sure you've been taught
'Love thy neighbour', a praiseworthy thought.
Let me as your friend
Add a phrase to the end…
'Love thy neighbour, but please don't get caught!'
An inquisitive kid to the core,
He always asks, "Why?"
I give it a try,
But I end up with questions galore!
A charming old lady named Gretel,
Instead of a hat, wore a kettle.
When they called her misguided,
She said, "I've decided
To show all the neighbours my mettle."
There was a trombonist called Herb,
Whose playing was loud, though superb.
When neighbours complained,
Young Herbert explained,
"But great art is meant to disturb."
From your childhood I'm sure you've been taught
'Love thy neighbour', a praiseworthy thought.
Let me as your friend
Add a phrase to the end…
'Love thy neighbour, but please don't get caught!'
Contused
Well-Known Member
- Relationship to Diabetes
- Type 2
There was an old Member called Bevan,
Who wanted to make Britain Heaven.
When they said, 'You will fail.'
He replied, 'Ebbw Vale
Gives the strength to its children of seven.'
There was a young lady of Flint,
Who had a most horrible squint.
She could scan the whole sky
With her uppermost eye,
While the other was reading small print.
A shepherd who lived up in Gwent
Kept a dozen old skunks in his tent.
When asked, "Do they smell?"
He answered, "All too well!
They spotted my scent, so they went."
A boastful young fellow of Neath
Once hung from the roof by his teeth.
A very large crowd
First cheered him quite loud,
Then passed round the hat for a wreath.
There was an old lady from Neath,
Who got her thread caught in her teeth.
In a glass by her bed,
Sat teeth, needle, and thread,
With her sampler dangling beneath.
A young lady, who lived by the Usk,
Subsisted each day on a rusk.
She ate the first bite
Before it was light,
And the last crumb some time after dusk.
Said a foolish householder of Wales,
'An odour of coal gas prevails.'
She then struck a light,
And later that night,
Was collected in seventeen pails.
There once was a Welsh mountain sheep,
Who sang Gregorian Chant in his sleep.
When local monks heard,
They thought it absurd
That a ram should intone strains so deep.
A young poultry farmer from Wrexham
Said, "I take day-old chicks, and I sex 'em.
Sadly, now and again
I mistake cock for a hen,
And I must say it doesn't half vex 'em."
Who wanted to make Britain Heaven.
When they said, 'You will fail.'
He replied, 'Ebbw Vale
Gives the strength to its children of seven.'
There was a young lady of Flint,
Who had a most horrible squint.
She could scan the whole sky
With her uppermost eye,
While the other was reading small print.
A shepherd who lived up in Gwent
Kept a dozen old skunks in his tent.
When asked, "Do they smell?"
He answered, "All too well!
They spotted my scent, so they went."
A boastful young fellow of Neath
Once hung from the roof by his teeth.
A very large crowd
First cheered him quite loud,
Then passed round the hat for a wreath.
There was an old lady from Neath,
Who got her thread caught in her teeth.
In a glass by her bed,
Sat teeth, needle, and thread,
With her sampler dangling beneath.
A young lady, who lived by the Usk,
Subsisted each day on a rusk.
She ate the first bite
Before it was light,
And the last crumb some time after dusk.
Said a foolish householder of Wales,
'An odour of coal gas prevails.'
She then struck a light,
And later that night,
Was collected in seventeen pails.
There once was a Welsh mountain sheep,
Who sang Gregorian Chant in his sleep.
When local monks heard,
They thought it absurd
That a ram should intone strains so deep.
A young poultry farmer from Wrexham
Said, "I take day-old chicks, and I sex 'em.
Sadly, now and again
I mistake cock for a hen,
And I must say it doesn't half vex 'em."
Contused
Well-Known Member
- Relationship to Diabetes
- Type 2
There once was a baby of yore,
Whose parents found it a bore
And, being afraid,
It might get mislaid,
They stored it away in a drawer.
Dad waited while Mum bought the ham,
But when she came out, she said, "Sam!
That one's not our baby!"
He answered, "Well, maybe,
But look! It's a much nicer pram."
Whose parents found it a bore
And, being afraid,
It might get mislaid,
They stored it away in a drawer.
Dad waited while Mum bought the ham,
But when she came out, she said, "Sam!
That one's not our baby!"
He answered, "Well, maybe,
But look! It's a much nicer pram."
Contused
Well-Known Member
- Relationship to Diabetes
- Type 2
A young ballerina named Ann
Danced like a soft feathery fan,
But when she leaped and rose
She'd land, not on her toes,
But smack on her pink tutued can!
There was a young dancer called Page,
Whose entrechat was all the rage.
Once, not quite awake,
When doing Swan Lake,
He drilled himself into the stage.
I won't say the girls at St. Francis
Intend to encourage lewd glances,
But can one believe
They are merely naïve,
When they come in the nude to school dances?
When our deficit descended to zero
Our minister was considered a hero.
He ascended the chancel
But decided to cancel
The sermon, and dance a Bolero.
Danced like a soft feathery fan,
But when she leaped and rose
She'd land, not on her toes,
But smack on her pink tutued can!
There was a young dancer called Page,
Whose entrechat was all the rage.
Once, not quite awake,
When doing Swan Lake,
He drilled himself into the stage.
I won't say the girls at St. Francis
Intend to encourage lewd glances,
But can one believe
They are merely naïve,
When they come in the nude to school dances?
When our deficit descended to zero
Our minister was considered a hero.
He ascended the chancel
But decided to cancel
The sermon, and dance a Bolero.
Contused
Well-Known Member
- Relationship to Diabetes
- Type 2
There once was a boring young Rev.
Who preached till it seemed he would nev.
His hearers, en masse,
Got a pain in the ass
And prayed for relief of their neth.
The sermon our Pastor, Rt. Rev.
Began, may have had a rt. clev.,
But his talk, though consistent,
Kept the end so far distant,
That we left, as we felt he mt. nev.
Who preached till it seemed he would nev.
His hearers, en masse,
Got a pain in the ass
And prayed for relief of their neth.
The sermon our Pastor, Rt. Rev.
Began, may have had a rt. clev.,
But his talk, though consistent,
Kept the end so far distant,
That we left, as we felt he mt. nev.
Contused
Well-Known Member
- Relationship to Diabetes
- Type 2
"Oh teacher, please tell me," said Doris,
"What kind of a beast is the loris?"
Said her teacher, a dreamer,
"It's the Indian lemur.
I fancy it's mentioned in Horace."
A teacher whose name was Haldane,
Thought his class was a terrible pain.
He ranted and he raved,
But they jumped, stamped and waved
And drove him completely insane.
A junior school teacher once said,
"One day I hope to be wed."
Said Tommy, aged ten,
"With gas short again,
'Twill be warmer with two in the bed."
A teacher of tots at Uttoxeter
Who chucked their constructional blocks at her,
Was thinking, 'Aggression
Is just self-expression',
When a volley of paperback Spocks hit her.
"What kind of a beast is the loris?"
Said her teacher, a dreamer,
"It's the Indian lemur.
I fancy it's mentioned in Horace."
A teacher whose name was Haldane,
Thought his class was a terrible pain.
He ranted and he raved,
But they jumped, stamped and waved
And drove him completely insane.
A junior school teacher once said,
"One day I hope to be wed."
Said Tommy, aged ten,
"With gas short again,
'Twill be warmer with two in the bed."
A teacher of tots at Uttoxeter
Who chucked their constructional blocks at her,
Was thinking, 'Aggression
Is just self-expression',
When a volley of paperback Spocks hit her.
Contused
Well-Known Member
- Relationship to Diabetes
- Type 2
As a beauty, I'm not a great star,
There are others much fairer, by far.
But my face, I don't mind it,
Because I'm behind it…
It's the folks in the front that I jar.
A near-sighted fellow named Walter
Led a glamorised lass to the altar.
A beauty he thought her,
'Til some soap and water
Made her look like the rock of Gibraltar.
There are others much fairer, by far.
But my face, I don't mind it,
Because I'm behind it…
It's the folks in the front that I jar.
A near-sighted fellow named Walter
Led a glamorised lass to the altar.
A beauty he thought her,
'Til some soap and water
Made her look like the rock of Gibraltar.
Contused
Well-Known Member
- Relationship to Diabetes
- Type 2
A poor spelling golfer named Lear
Was sent to the clink for a year,
For an action obscene
On the very first green,
Where a club sign said 'ENTER COURSE HERE'.
A golfer, who sought to survive
With grit, determination, and drive,
"Inflation," he'd claim,
"Is affecting my game.
I used to shout 'fore', now it's 'five'."
A golfer went right up the wall,
Whenever he'd sideswipe the ball.
Friends said he should go
For advice to a pro…
But he didn't know which protocol.
Was sent to the clink for a year,
For an action obscene
On the very first green,
Where a club sign said 'ENTER COURSE HERE'.
A golfer, who sought to survive
With grit, determination, and drive,
"Inflation," he'd claim,
"Is affecting my game.
I used to shout 'fore', now it's 'five'."
A golfer went right up the wall,
Whenever he'd sideswipe the ball.
Friends said he should go
For advice to a pro…
But he didn't know which protocol.
Contused
Well-Known Member
- Relationship to Diabetes
- Type 2
We've got a new maid called Chrysanthemum,
Who said, 'I have just come from Grantham, mum.
I lost my last place
In the sorest disgrace,
'Cos I snored through the National Anthem, mum.'
"It is time," said a woman from Devon,
"To exchange maiden bliss for sex heaven.
There is music, it's spring,
Flowers bloom, songbirds sing,
And besides, I've just turned thirty-seven."
There once was a maid with such graces,
That her curves cried out for embraces.
"You look," said McGee,
"Like a million to me…
Invested in all the right places!"
An Indian maiden, a Sioux,
As tempting as a fresh honeydioux,
Liked to show off her knees
As she strolled past tepees,
And hear the braves holler, "Yioux Hioux."
Two maidens were seated at tea,
Discussing the things that might be.
"I think I'll wed Willie,"
Said Molly to Milly,
"That is, if he asks me, you see."
Who said, 'I have just come from Grantham, mum.
I lost my last place
In the sorest disgrace,
'Cos I snored through the National Anthem, mum.'
"It is time," said a woman from Devon,
"To exchange maiden bliss for sex heaven.
There is music, it's spring,
Flowers bloom, songbirds sing,
And besides, I've just turned thirty-seven."
There once was a maid with such graces,
That her curves cried out for embraces.
"You look," said McGee,
"Like a million to me…
Invested in all the right places!"
An Indian maiden, a Sioux,
As tempting as a fresh honeydioux,
Liked to show off her knees
As she strolled past tepees,
And hear the braves holler, "Yioux Hioux."
Two maidens were seated at tea,
Discussing the things that might be.
"I think I'll wed Willie,"
Said Molly to Milly,
"That is, if he asks me, you see."