SILLY SILLY LIMERICKS

[Contused]

To whomever you happen to be,
No Christmas card this year from me!
I choose not to send 'em.
That's my new addendum!
Scratch my name off your list? Please feel free!

Away with this holiday spirit!
Merry Christmas? I don't want to hear it!
You buy gifts 'til you're broke,
What you get back's a joke.
I don't so much hate it as fear it!

 

[Contused]

He works hard for his money; he earns it!
Buys a gift for his wife, but she spurns it.
It'll be the wrong size,
Or it won't match her eyes,
And I'll bet you a quid she returns it!

 

[Contused]

I'm glad I'm protected from knocks
From my necktie clear down to my socks,
And padded and bolstered,
Fenced in and upholstered,
With muscles to take up the shocks.

 

[Contused]

Another Spoonerick…

To shepherds in fields as they lay,
I once heard our good pastor say,
"I've heard angels sing,
Thus I to you bring
Tearful chidings this good Christmas Day."

 

[Contused]

According to experts, the oyster
In its shell, or crustacean cloister,
May quite frequently be
Either he or a she,
Or both, if it should be its choice ter.

 

[Contused]

"Two pasties and chips, please," he quoth,
"With plenty of salt on them both."
But the chip shop had closed
And the floor had been hosed,
So he let out a blasphemous oath.

 

[Contused]

A modest young maiden of Rennes
Would have nothing to do with the mennes,
But one day at Versailles,
She was kissed on the slailles,
Now she goes there agennes and agennes.

 

[Contused]

There was an old fellow named Sidney,
Who drank 'til he ruined a kidney.
It shrivelled and shrank
As he sat there and drank,
But he had a good time of it, didn't he?

 

[Contused]

My teachers, through life, always taught
That logic should always be sought.
But then I just laughed
When I spelled the word 'draught'.
I think I shall soon be distraught.

 

[Contused]

There was an old maid of Vancouver,
Who captured a man by manoeuvre.
She jumped on his knee
With some rare eau de vie,
And nothing on earth could remove her.

 

[Contused]

Although liquor was Ogden's delight,
Every night he'd get high as a kite!
"Just one night I abstain,"
He said with disdain,
"For New Year's Eve is Amateur Night!"

 

[Contused]

It’s the start of a brand New Year
And I should be having a beer.
How rotten my luck,
For this year I’m stuck
With an overdraft that’s still not clear.

 

[Contused]

There was an old woman from Wales,
Who liked eating red dragon tails.
Then she went to Maxim's
And today she just dreams
Of dining on truffles and snails.

 

[Contused]

Who'd wish to be wed to Xanthippe?
When Socrates took his last sip, he
Died slowly, feet first,
After which his wife cursed
And remarked that her husband was dippy.

 

[Contused]

'Buy that one, the prize of the year!'
Thus whispered a voice in my ear.
But later I frowned,
The beast was not sound.
I'd been given, I found, a bum steer.

 

[Contused]

"I've been told of the bird and the bee,"
Said a sweet little Rose of Tralee.
"But their ways are so strange,
I could never arrange,
To let 'most anyone try it with me."

 

[Contused]

My brother's a natural detective,
For by nature he's somewhat protective.
And he's never been blind
To the criminal mind,
Except when he has an objective.

 

[Contused]

A dealer in tractors named Fetter,
Was spurned by his wife for one better.
The insensitive mutt,
To pour salt in this cut,
Then wrote him a curt "John Deere" letter.

 

[Contused]

There's a village called 'Come to the Good',
Where the people don't do as they should.
Every lad and his dad
Has gone to the bad…
And the women would too, if they could.

 

[Contused]

A modern young curate called Hyde,
Will be pleased if the bishops decide
That, to govern a see,
One must hold a degree
In Evil, both pure and applied.