SILLY SILLY LIMERICKS

[Contused]

There once was a stitcher named Kay,
Who lost her last needle one day,
'Til her husband said, "Ouch!"
When he sat on the couch,
And Kay cried, "You found it! Hooray!"

 

[Contused]

A man and his ladylove, Min,
Skated out where the ice was quite thin,
Had a quarrel, no doubt,
For I hear they fell out.
It is lucky they didn't fall in!

 

[Contused]

I once took a trip down the Rhine
To partake of the fruits of the vine;
Drank too many of these
Trockenbeerenauslese,
But the taste was exceeding divine.
- Peter Wilkins

 

[Contused]

There once was a boy of Quebec,
Who was buried in snow to his neck.
When asked, 'Ain't you frizz?'
He replied, "Yes, I is.
But we don't call this cold in Quebec."

An important young man of Quebec
Had to welcome the Duchess of Teck.
So he bought for a dollar,
A very high collar,
To save himself washing his neck.

 

[Contused]

Two sweethearts named Mary and Ray,
When toasting a hundredth birthday,
Shared some snacks delicate
And then, south, did migrate,
Cheering, "Yahoo!" and "Hip-Hip-Hooray!"

 

[Contused]

All Hallows' Eve is so scary,
So small boys and girls, please be wary
Of corpses all bloody,
And mummies all muddy,
And werewolves with paws big and hairy.
- J. Skellington

 

[Contused]

A thrifty young fellow of Shoreham
Made brown paper trousers and woreham.
He looked nice and neat
'Til he bent in the street
To pick up a pin… then he toreham

 

[Contused]

They say that ex-president Taft,
When hit by a golf ball, once laughed
And said, "I'm not sore,
But although he called 'Fore',
The place where he hit me was aft."

 

[Contused]

Goliath was known for ferocity,
An expert in every atrocity,
But was knocked in a heap
By a boy who kept sheep…
A victim of teenage precocity.

 

[Contused]

There was a young lady of Keighley,
Whose principle charms in her teeth lay.
When they fell on her plate,
She called out, "I hate
Mishaps of this kind, they are beathly."

 

[Contused]

Although Jacqui and I have grown old,
We still treasure our games more than gold.
We still play hide 'n seek
Once or twice every week,
And so do our grandkids, I'm told.

 

[Contused]

The fireworks last night were a smash,
But some of the food was such trash
I passed wind in the dark,
Then heard someone remark,
"I sure heard the noise, where's the flash?"

 

[Contused]

There was an old lady of Reading,
Who never knew where she was heading.
She'd start in the East,
On her way to a feast,
And end in the North at a wedding.

 

[Contused]

In music, a man who fell short,
Was arrested, and taken to court.
He proposed in a theme
A more liberal scheme:
To release Mahler's Fifth as a quart.

 

[Contused]

Said an ape as he swung by his tail,
To his offspring both male and female,
“From your offspring, my dears,
In millions of years,
May evolve a professor at Yale.”

 

[Contused]

A quantum mechanic's vacation
Had his colleagues in dire consternation.
For while studies had shown
That his speed was well known,
His position was pure speculation.

 

[Contused]

I once knew a sad girl named Hortense,
Whose mind was chock-full of ill portents.
She expected the worst
And she thought we were cursed
By original sin and its torments.

 

[Contused]

There was a young lady of Kent,
Who always said just what she meant.
People said, 'She's a dear,
So direct, so sincere',
And they shunned her by common consent.

There once was a young man from Kent
Whose nose was terribly bent.
Some fine days, I suppose,
He would follow his nose,
And no one would know where he went.

 

[Contused]

These resorts abound with the old,
Who do nothing but quibble and scold,
Discussing their tumours
And stock market rumours.
They are tangibly covered with mould.

 

[Contused]

It is clear that Napoleon's Queen
Was referring to army routine,
When she said, in a flummox,
'Marchons-nous sur nos stomachs?'
And was told, 'Not tonight, Josephine.'