SILLY SILLY LIMERICKS

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Said the nurse to the patient, "Oh dear,
Your symptoms are not very clear."
With his attention diverted,
She quickly inserted
The thermometer into his rear.
:eek:
 

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The poet just couldn't decide,
"It is such a dilemma!" he cried.
"Must my poems all rhyme?
Surely not all the time?
Or else my professor has lied."
 

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A man who had lately declared
That property ought to be shared,
Thought it going too far
When they called for his car,
And a list of exceptions prepared.
 

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A delinquent, today, is defined
As a waif to whom life was unkind.
But, now, won't you agree
That the problem might be
That no one ever tanned his behind?
 

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All persons of higher degree
Are proud of a long pedigree,
And even the masses
Of inferior classes,
Unless they are misled, agree.
 

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There was a young priest named Delaney,
Who said to the girls, "Nota bene,
'Twould tempt the Archbishop
The way that you swish up
Your skirts when the weather is rainy."
 

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Although liquor was Ogden's delight,
Every night he'd get high as a kite!
"One night I may abstain,"
He shouted with disdain,
"For New Year's Eve is Amateur Night!
 

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A young woman, polite and demure,
Would reform the depraved and impure.
She found it a breeze
And did it with ease,
For her work was a mere sinecure.
 

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Poor Ophelia sighed, "I deplore
The fact that young Hamlet's a bore.
He just talks to himself…
I'll be left on the shelf,
Or go mad by the end of Act IV."
 

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"I must leave here," said Lady de Vere,
"For these damp airs don't suit me, I fear."
Said her friend, "Goodness me!
If they don't agree
With your system, why eat pears, my dear?"
 

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The Roman Emperor Claudius was devious
And would stammer and dribble most grevious.
But these things, though uncouth,
Were like Goodness and Truth,
When compared to the Emperor previous.
(Claudius's predecessor was Caligula)
 

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The SETI League aims to devise
A way to find life in the skies.
One day they will find
The truth for mankind
And take home their own Nobel Prize.
(SETI = Search for ExtraTerrestial Intelligence)
 

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There was a young man of Devizes,
Whose two ears were of different sizes.
Sadly one was so small
It was no use at all,
But the other was large and won prizes.
 

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A singer they called Miss Diana,
Was caught in a flood in Montana.
She soon floated away,
While her beau, so they say,
Accompanied her on the piana.
 

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There was a young fellow named Dice,
Who remarked, "They say bigamy's nice.
Even two are a bore,
I'd prefer three or four,
For the plural of spouse, it is spice."
 

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A wife with a stutter from Dice,
Was caught by the rise in the price.
By the time that she panted
Out just what she wanted,
The cost of the stuff went up twice.
 

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Three Aldis and not one of them dim,
Were Garib and Frescob and Grim.
One played and one clowned
And the other's renowned
For a biscuit that's named after him.
 

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From the bathing-machine came a din
As of jollification within.
It was heard far and wide
And the incoming tide
Had a definite flavour of gin.
 

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There was a professor called Dingle,
Who made physicist's nerve-endings tingle.
His travelling clocks
Caused grave mental blocks,
In those who felt time should stay single.
 

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A Chopin song causing disaster
Was surely a joke by the master.
Il piu presto possibile
He required, incredibile;
Turn the page and he urges Still Faster.
 
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