SILLY SILLY LIMERICKS

Contused

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The incredible Wizard of Oz
Retired from his business becoz
Due to up-to-date science,
To most of his clients,
He wasn't the Wizard he woz.
 

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There was an old person of Fratton,
Who would go to church with his hat on.
"If I wake up," he said,
"With a hat on my head,
I will know that it hasn't been sat on."
 

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Limericks I cannot compose
With noxious smells in my nose.
But this one was easy,
I only felt queasy
Because I was sniffing my toes.
:rolleyes:
 

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The two names for the city, Salisbury and Sarum, are humorously alluded to in a 1928 limerick from Punch:

There was an old Sultan of Salisbury
Who wanted some wives for his halisbury,
So he had them sent down
By a fast train from town,
For he thought that his motor would scalisbury.

The ambiguous pronunciation was also used in the following limerick, which also alludes to 'Hants', the shortened form of Hampshire:

There was a young curate of Salisbury,
Whose manners were quite Halisbury-Scalisbury.
He wandered round Hampshire,
Without any pampshire,
Till the Vicar compelled him to Walisbury.
 

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Amazingly, antelope stew
Is supposedly better for you
Than a goulash of rat
Or Hungarian cat…
But I guess that you probably gnu.
 

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My neighbor came over to say,
Although not in a neighborly way,
That he'd knock me around
If I didn't curb the sound
Of the classical music I play.

I told him, "Get out of my place.
You're an utter uncultured disgrace.
You're a simpleton loon.
Don't you know a good tune?"
Then he walloped me square in the face.
 

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A young gourmet while dining at Crewe,
Found a rather large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, "Don't shout
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too."
 

Contused

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There was an old man from Darjeeling,
Who travelled from London to Ealing.
It said on the door,
'Please don't spit on the floor',
So he carefully spat on the ceiling.
 

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There was a young dentist who thrilled
To the sound of a tooth being filled.
He would practise, they said,
Every night in his shed…
With the old Black & Decker™ he's skilled.
 

Contused

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A motor mechanic named Fox
Got crushed between cylinder blocks.
They laid him to rest
In his boots and his vest,
With his spanner and jack in the box.
 

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One Saturday morning at three,
A cheesemonger's shop in Paree
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound…
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
 

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“It’s crescent shaped rolls that I want,”
Cooed the shapely, urbane debutante.
“Didn’t rush off to town
And just scarf 1 Down…
I relaxed when I 8 Across aunt.”
 

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There was a young lady named Harris
Whom nothing could ever embarrass,
'Til the salts that she shook
In the bath that she took
Turned out to be Plaster of Paris.
 

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I am really determined and keen
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today…
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.
 

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I've done it! I've done mown the lawn,
But my muscles are aching and torn.
I could swear there are some
In my legs and my bum
I've not used since the year I was born.
 

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LOL :D some crackers there but the Salisbury one went over my head, unlike Poirot I don't have the little grey cells. I luv a good laugh.
 

Contused

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LOL :D some crackers there but the Salisbury one went over my head, unlike Poirot I don't have the little grey cells. I luv a good laugh.
OK, then here's a 'translation'.

There was an old Sultan of Sarum
Who wanted some wives for his harem,
So he had them sent down
By a fast train from town,
For he thought that his motor would scare 'em.

There was a young curate of Sarum,
Whose manners were quite Harum-Scarum.
He wandered round Hants,
Without any pants,
Till the Vicar compelled him to Wear 'em.
 

Contused

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Said an ape as he swung by his tail,
To his offspring both female and male,
"From your offspring, my dears,
In a couple of years,
May evolve a professor at Yale."
 

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A he-melon suffering droop
Spied a she-melon round as a hoop,
And he beamed as he said,
"Come away, let's be wed."
But she sighed and she said, "Canteloupe."
 

Contused

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There was a young lady named Rose,
Who had a large wart on her nose.
When she had it removed,
Her appearance improved,
But her glasses slipped down to her toes.
 
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