SILLY SILLY LIMERICKS

[Contused]

Said the octogenarian, Sid,
Who awoke feeling spry as a kid,
"One's as young as one feels;
I can jump, click my heels,
And not fall on my face." But he did.

 

[Contused]

There was an old lady named Jean,
Who thought late October was keen.
She'd straddle a broom
And run 'round the room,
To celebrate each Halloween.

 

[Contused]

There lives in our attic young Roger,
A very agreeable lodger.
He never complains,
And we hope he remains
Until Roger our lodger's a codger.

 

[Contused]

There was a young man so benighted
He never knew when he was slighted.
He would go to a party
And eat just as hearty,
As if he'd been really invited.

 

[Contused]

A mouse in her room woke Miss Dowd.
She was frightened, it must be allowed.
Soon a happy thought hit her,
To scare off the critter
She sat up in bed and meowed.

 

[Contused]

Said an envious, erudite ermine,
"There's one thing I cannot determine,
When a dame wears my coat,
She's a person of note;
When I wear it, I'm called a vermin!"

 

[Contused]

A canny young fisher named Fisher
Once fished from the edge of a fissure.
A fish with a grin
Pulled the fisherman in…
Now they're fishing the fissure for Fisher.

 

[Contused]

A newspaper man named Fling
Could make 'copy' from any old thing,
But the copy he wrote
Of a five dollar note
Was so good he is now in Sing Sing.

 

[Contused]

A tutor, who tooted a flute,
Tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
"Is it harder to toot, or
To tutor two tooters to toot?"

 

[Contused]

A major, with wonderful force,
Called out in Hyde Park for a horse.
All the flowers looked round,
But no horse could be found,
So he just rhododendron, of course.

 

[Contused]

There was an old fellow named Green,
Who grew so abnormally lean,
And flat, and compressed,
That his back touched his chest,
And sideways he couldn't be seen.

 

[Contused]

There was a young lady named Hannah,
Who slipped on a peel of banana.
As she lay on her side,
More stars she espied
Than there are in the Star-Spangled Banner.

 

[Contused]

The Sultan got sore with his harem,
And invented a scheme for to scare 'em.
He caught him a mouse,
Which he loosed in the house.
The confusion is called harem-scarem.

 

[Contused]

A nifty young flapper named Jane,
While walking, was caught in the rain.
She ran home, almost flew,
Her complexion did too,
And she reached home exceedingly plain.

 

[Contused]

There was an old man in a hearse,
Who murmured, "This might have been worse.
Of course the expense
Is simply immense,
But it doesn't come out of my purse."

 

[Contused]

"There's a train at 4:04," said Miss Jenny.
"Four tickets I'll take… have you any?"
Said the man at the door,
"Not four for 4:04,
For four for 4:04 is too many."

 

[Contused]

There was a young lady named May,
Who read a love story each day.
"It's funny," she said,
When at last she was wed,
"I'd no notion that life was this way."

 

[Contused]

A man and his lady-love, Min,
Skated out where the ice was quite thin;
Had a quarrel, no doubt,
For I hear they fell out…
What a blessing they didn't fall in!

 

[Contused]

There was a young lady of Munich,
Whose appetite simply was unich.
"There's quite nothing like food,"
She contentedly cooed,
As she let out three tucks in her tunic.

 

[Contused]

There once was a guy named Othello,
A dark, disagreeable fellow;
After croaking his wife,
He then took his own life…
That guy wasn't black, he was yellow!