Rash decisions...

[grainger]

Ok, this may seem like too much information to share and I apologise in advance but I would appreciate some advice/guidance or opinions or something...

I'm due to get married in 6 weeks. My fianc? is amazingly supportive and loving but we haven't been the same since I was diagnosed (mainly my fault) and our original plan was to start trying for a family once we were married which isn't going to happen now because of honeymoon periods etc for one but also because I've basically taken kids of the table at the moment because it all seems to much, I don't want to pass this on etc etc.

We are basically at a cross roads. I don't want to be the one to deny him kids an he says he loves me and thats more important than kids but all I feel is guilty all the time. Sorry this is an essay and I realise i sound incredibly lucky with an amazingly loving guy but I just don't know what to do anymore.

Has anyone any thoughts/been through this type of thing etc who could come and tell me some advice which would help?!?/solve all my problems!

Thanks in advance and sorry for too much information sharing with strangers.

 

[Robster65]

Wow. That is a biggy.

First thing I'd say is that genetically, you won't pass it on. You'll pass on a statistical chance of any children developing it.

I have a daughter and she has (so far) no sign of it. I was diagnosed at 13. She was born was I was 22. The risk factor didn't really come into it. I think there's so many risks involved anyway that the genetics have to be left to sort themselves out unless you have something like Huntington chorea (?) which is a high risk potential death sentence. Diabetes is a pain but we all lead pretty normal lives. It's not bad on the big scale.

Not sure if any of this can make you think differently but I wouldn't remain childless because of diabetes.

I agree that you would be better waiting before trying. It's a strain on your diabetes but lots of the ladies on the forum have been and are going through pregnancy. Successfully.🙂

Rob

 

[Robster65]

Further thoughts.

None us really knows what time bombs we carry in our genes (no sniggering at the beack) since there will be all sorts of recessive stuff from generations back that hasn't expressed itself yet.

You could both be ginger and give birth to a child with jet black hair if your g-g-grandfather had black hair.

So any of our children could develop diabetes or asthma or grow to be 8ft tall. I don't think the risk of passing on diabetes is high enough to be a major consideration is what I'm trying badly to say!🙄

Rob

 

[lauraw1983]

Oh bless you, what a lot to deal with. I never knew you were getting married so soon, congratulations. 🙂

I think at the moment it is all so new to you, it's understandable you have gone "whoa!" about trying for a baby. It's a huge thing, without the added stress of diabetes too. I have done it twice before diagnosis and that was hard, reading the stories of diabetic mum's who have done it...well I just think they are wonderful tbh.

I think given time your feelings on it may change, but only time can make that happen - I understand when diabetic anyway you have to be referred through a pre-conception type clinic as you need high doses for folic acid 3 months before etc. So when you were ready you could make those enquiries anyway and take it from there.

And what Rob said about genetics etc. You can't let that stop you, as it's entirely a chance thing with this. Stupid genes!

One thing I do know is, you will only regret the things you don't do. Do not let diabetes take such an important and big thing away from you - just give things time, you have a lot to get your head around anyway, never mind a pregnancy too. Enjoy a year of married life in peace.....cos a baby will certainly shatter that! ;-)

Big hugs, PM me if you ever want to chat off here xxxxxxxxx

 

[Smit]

Hi I'm 29 and am expecting our first baby. I have been type 1 for 27 years. I use to think like you about passing it on. But I now just think if it happens we'll deal with it, I'd hate it to happen though. Would my parents not have had me if they had known this would happen, i'd hope to think they'd still have me. No one else in my family has it and wr are a large family. The other thing is there is no rush, enjoy married life for a while and get use to managing diabetes. I still have bad days and thoughts like yours and I've basically grown up with it. Ps when it comes to u know what I always go low afterwards lol hubby well trained to get the lucozade and snack for afterwards. x

 

[Ellie Jones]

Just because you have diabetes doesn't mean you have to decide not to have children...

Yes being diabetic does throw some extra risk factors into a pregnancy, but with careful planing, monitoring and care these can be limited as low as possible.. As to risks of passing it onto a child the risk over all is slightly higher but only by a couple of percent so not the greatest of difference.. It is actually slightly higher if it's the dad whose the diabetic...

I have 3 children, 25, 21, 20 and they aren't diabetic, I was diagnosed at the beginning of my second pregnancy so 23 years this year (my son will be 22 in April) and believe me options and treatment for diabetes all those years ago was very limited indeed and none of the flexibilities that you get now, with basal/bolus regime or insulin pumps (which I now use) not only is the prospect for the diabetic is so much improved now, but also our quality of daily life is a lot better and so much more flexible..

I see that it's only been a couple of months since you've been diagnosed, and you still at the stage of taking it all in, and trying to work out how diabetes might effect your hopes, dreams and your planned future.. Believe me you don't have to change your hopes and dreams just incorporate and factor in diabetic management to achieve them..

 

[margie]

It sounds like you are doubting whether you should get married as you fear that you will be depriving him of children - sorry if I have misinterpreted your post.

This might seem a bit out there - but some people have marriage guidance before they get married to establish if they have common goals and to discuss any potential flash points. Maybe that could help you resolve the situation and find a way forward.

 

[Tina63]

Hi. These are only my thoughts. You are so recently diagnosed, you must still be reeling from the shock. Of course I myself am not type 1 so can only give you my 'outside' view.

I would reiterate what everyone else has said, there's no need to make such rash decisions here and now. Never Say Never - that's my motto.

Your head really must be all over the place at the moment. Coping with the diagnosis, a wedding in a few weeks - there can't be many more stressful things in life. Forget babies for now, try (as far as humanly possible) to let the diabetes blend into the background, and concentrate on that wonderful day fast approaching. It really will take quite some time to come to terms with everything. Ok, so maybe you would have liked a baby in a few months time, but you and your new husband will have some wonderful times together before you need to start thinking about that. Your fiance sounds wonderfully caring and supportive and at the moment he probably has such a strong desire to protect and care for you that a baby would not be his ideal AT THE MOMENT either. He needs to concentrate on you. Just take time to share the love you have for each other.

I very much wanted babies before I was married, but we had a wonderful first few years just the two of us, lots of spontanaity, we could go where we wanted, when we wanted, real freedom to be ourselves and enjoy each others' company. It was actually my husband who suddenly one day said how nice it would be for there to be three of us on holiday the following summer, instead of just the two. Babies do turn your life upside down, and I wouldn't be without my two for the world, but enjoy time as a couple first, your time is never your own once you are a mother. I assume you are young enough for time not to be a serious factor?

Don't let the thought of passing it on dominate your thoughts. My son's diagnosis came out of the blue, no genetic factors here and on the other side, my neighbour was diagnosed as a toddler, he now has two children who are both perfectly healthy. Don't give up the chance of having a family 'just in case.......' It may never happen.

Today is not the day to think about babies though, it's time to think about you and your lovely soon-to-be husband. Just give yourselves time.

Hope you have a wonderful wedding day.

Tina

 

[Copepod]

Grainger - it's such a big decision, that I really think you need to talk the issues through with proper professional advice, probably some sessions alone and some with your fiance. I wouldn't want to make a decision about marriage / children etc without speaking with someone who knew about diabetes, genetics, your situation etc.

Even without diabetes, not everyone can have children easily / naturally, so the decision might be made for you not by you - in may case, having a partner who spends months each year in Antarctica and not meeting him until we were both in our mid 30s, we decided against trying for children, with diabetes not playing any real part in decision. We don't think we miss out as we spend lots of time with children of friends, relatives and at my work.

You could try would be your diabetes clinic - ask DSN / doctor / dietician / anyone you can get hold of if they have a counsellor and emphasise the urgency of the wedding date.

If they can't help, then it would be worth trying an organisation that offers relationship counselling eg Relate.

 

[margie]

I don't know what kind of marriage you are planning, whether it is big or large or a civil or religious wedding. Could you postpone the wedding until you resolve your worries ? I realise that would be a hard decision both emotionally and financially. However, it sounds to me that your fiance would understand. He will want you to be happy and not worrying on your wedding day. I am not sure if I am reading too much into this but it seems to me you are thinking of cancelling - in those circumstances postponing may be a better option.

One other option if you are planning on a church wedding - talk it over with the person who is marrying you. They are likely to have experience in these kind of things and may be able to help you come to a decision about what is best for you and your fiance.

 

[Lauren]

Hi sorry to hear you are having thoughts like this. As you have just been diagnosed you must still be feeling really shocked, and possibly confused about lots of things.

Maybe it would be a good idea to wait before deciding if you want children or not? As confusing as Diabetes is, you will get used to it soon (I promise!) and then if you do reconsider having a baby you'll be in a better position to do it - hopefully less stressed and more informed about the effects of Diabetes on pregnancy.

There have been so many healthy babies born to women with Diabetes, and although there are a lot of scary stories out there about Diabetic pregnancies it is not very often there are complications. Perhaps you could have a look through some of the posts on the pregnancy message boards? Then you can see how some of the pregnant ladies on there are handling things. Hope this helps 🙂

 

[everydayupsanddowns]

Just wanting to wish you all the best with your decision. A lot of what I feel was posted by Tina63.

I don't think there is anyone with D who has not felt a twinge I worry when considering having kids, but as Robster says its small statistical tweak not a certainty. D comes from many directions and I for one had absolutely no family history - there are many in the same position on these boards. Parenting is a scary business. If you were not diabetic and went for it there would be plenty of other worries to take its place.

Most important, talk it over with your partner. Be open and honest (I am sure you are doing this already). Realise that you are in a fairly dark place this close to Dx. Seek advice if you think it will help, but at the end of the day it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. You can only make your best guess as to the right thing to do at the time.

Apparently humans are 'hard wired' for hope. I hope that's the case for you.

 

[trophywench]

Two things!

1. Was there ever a bride (or possibly a groom but dunno) anywhere in the world at any time who, just before her wedding, didn't ask herself - OMG - am I doing the right thing? And if the agony of sorting that out inside her own head wasn't bad enough - blow me if her own mother doesn't usually turn round to her at any time leading up to The Big Day - and asks her the same question! And to be truthful mate, I'd say the only answer I (or anyone) could come up with was definitely, Well - I think so, Mom!

So for starters - I don't think this has really got a lot do do with your diabetes. The diabetes may have caused you to question it more but I believe you'd have been doing the agonising come what may. And actually it's right that you do that IMHO. Marriage is big step! - "No one should enter into it lightly or selfishly, but reverently and responsibly in the sight of almighty God" as the church says to us at the time. And I believe that - whether you tack the last 6 words on the end or not.

2. Diabetes - Ellie is the only one to say this so far so I want to re-iterate - a diabetic Dad has far more chance statistically of producing a diabetic child than a diabetic mother has. And in any case, look how many non-D girls get gestational diabetes! - at least you'll have a clue what you are doing by the time you get pregnant.

{{{Hugs}}}

Oh and 3 - the same but totally different? - or maybe not? - the night before I got my insulin pump I was positively bricking it. 39 years a diabetic, done that, had all the T-shirts with knobs on. Terrified. OMG - am I doing the right thing?

The fact is - it's just fear of the unknown - and nobody can predict THAT .......

 

[grainger]

Hi,
Thank you all for so many messages - apologies it's taken me so long to reply. I've taken on board a lot of the things you've all been saying... and have spoken with my fiance and we are going to keep talking about things and I'm going to go and see someone to discuss how i'm feeling and at some point he'll come with me if that's what we need.

I completely agree that some of this must be pre-wedding nerves, wondering if now our plans have changed we as a couple will change but also I do need to accept that although I'm getting on with being type 1 pretty well I must still be in some shock at all the changes it's meant for me/us.

Thank you all again for words of support and encouragement, I know I've said this before but this forum is great for people like me who know no other people with diabetes and it's nice to know that everything can still be normal! and although right now I can't consider children (too much fear for me at the moment) it is a blessing to be able to hear from people who have been through pregnancy with diabetes also hearing people put genetics etc into perspective.

thanks again... think i'll call myself a work in progress right now!

 

[imtrying]

Hi Grainger,

I'm glad you are feeling more positive today.

Those choices are obviously all ultimately your decision, and we can't say what you should and shouldn't do, but I would just say there are some things to just consider....

I agree that talking to someone about being diagnosed and your diabetes in general will be an amazing thing to do. I wished I'd done it.

At the moment, I reckon you've spent a lot of time focusing on you (as so you should!!) but you sound like me that just because you are, you feel guilty for doing it. This will probably wear off...so although a problem now, it won't be for long, or forever 🙂

Kids - although previously you may have been planning to have kids quite quickly after getting married, you now just have something totally new to deal with and adapt to. Just because you haven't got head space to think about it at the moment, doesn't mean you're writing it off the cards. It is just that - no head space to think about it. And on top of that, you need to go through your diagnosis and potential honeymoon period I would say before planning a baby, as your levels need to be as good as possible. Please don't feel like you can't have kids because you're diabetic. All it means is we have to try a bit harder with our D than we normally do. So your fiance and you don't need to be at cross roads - you both need to work together on getting your control sorted out in preparation for a baby 🙂 Look at it as something to work towards together in order to have a baby. I hope you can make him see that just at this moment in time, all your head space is taken up by managing your diabetes...but this will be for the benefit of your baby when you start trying.

I hope you manage to talk things over and sort it all out. And please don't let having diabetes put you off having a baby. You just need some time to figure out your diabetes and then you'll look back and wonder what you were ever worrying about 🙂

Good luck, and please PM me if you ever want to talk off the thread. x

 

[Medusa]

i think a plus side of having a baby when you are diabetic is you get so well looked after by the team, try not to worry about the baby side of things yet though, its a lot to take in at once and you have a lot going on, hope you feel better about it all soon

 

[justlikethehotels]

I'm not diabetic so my response is that of a wife and mother ...

I've been with my husband since we were 16, childhood sweethearts, he was a catch (so was I) ... I remember vividly sitting at my final wedding dress fitting (age 23) and watching a This Morning report which was telling me that 1 in 3 marriages end in divorce ...

I remember so clearly thinking "Oh my God, what am I doing... his parents divorced, we'll end up divorced, I can't do this" ...

I told my mum, who was making my dress at the time ...

Her response - "And? That means that 2 in 3 don't ... now get this dress on, it's not going to fit itself" ...

We've gone on to cope with a serious car accident that broke virtually everyone of his bones from the waist down, 3 months in hospital and 18 months off work; losing both my parents early; have had two children from four pregancies, survived a congenital birth defect and diabetes, completely unrelated, in the same child; post natal depression; a twisted testical in the boy child; redundancy three times and many of the other stresses and strains that affect every married couple in the world.

My point?

If you love him and he loves you then you have the very best start to a marriage - everything else is just window dressing.

Good luck and have a wonderful married life - and if that brings children, diabetic or not, then you are especially blessed xxx