Question

[Lauren]

I have a question for older mums, I was wondering how ok it is to leave having a baby until you were 30 or so?

I am 26 now and really really want to have children. I would like to have at least 2 but more would be great (I'm aware I may change my mind later!)

However I am in no position to have a baby yet, I am doing my third year in uni in September, I will graduate aged 27 and then do training with Teachfirst for 2 years. I'll be nearly 29 when I finish my training and then ideally I would like to wait one school year so that I have job security. By that time I will be nearly 30.

My husband is currently training to be a solicitor and so waiting for another year or two would be good anyway for financial security, at the moment we are always skint!

Health wise my Diabetes does yo-yo a bit between about 4 and 15, it usually is around the 9 mark so obviously I won't be planning anything until this is addressed and my levels are stable.

I have been pregnant before, aged 20, but it ended in miscarriage at 12 weeks. I feel this was because of stress, which is partly why I'm hoping to have a stable environment when I next become pregnant.

People are always telling me that it is best to have a child before 30 because I am Diabetic, including one of my nurses! They say at the age of 35 women usually have problems getting pregnant, I was wondering if this is true? I would be so upset if I put my career before my opportunity to have children, but on the other hand it is so so important to me that we have a bit more money coming in before children arrive.

Any thoughts on this would be appreciated, thanks 🙂

 

[Redkite]

Hi Lauren,

I'm not diabetic but I had my son when I was 33, nearly 34, and on my maternity notes was classed as "elderly primagravida" - ie old for a first pregnancy! However it's commonplace for women to wait until their 30s these days, and personally didn't cause me any problems. I am 47 now and wouldn't have the energy for a newborn, so I don't know how people manage in their 40s or older.

The facts are that for most women your fertility is best in your 20's, declines in your 30's and takes a sharp drop after 38 (gynaecologist told me this when I miscarried aged 39). Complications in pregnancy are more common the older you are, and the risk of Downs increases massively for women in their 40s. Early menopause can run in families, so if your Mum went through the menopause at a young age, you would need to take that into account. But you also have to feel financially stable and "ready" as a couple.

This is a decision that only you can make, and since you don't have a crystal ball you can only base it on what you both feel comfortable with. 🙂

P.S. There were two type 1 ladies in my antenatal group - both older than me and both had successful pregnancies and healthy babies. I kept in touch with one lady who subsequently had problems conceiving her second child (she was in her early 40s by then) but succeeded with IVF.

 

[Lauren]

Thanks for your reply Redkite! I feel more relieved now. My grandma had my mum when she was 20 and my mum had me and my brother before she was 22. I have no other female blood relatives so it's not much to go on. It is something I will have to consider carefully.

 

[Redkite]

Thanks for your reply Redkite! I feel more relieved now. My grandma had my mum when she was 20 and my mum had me and my brother before she was 22. I have no other female blood relatives so it's not much to go on. It is something I will have to consider carefully.

That's another point I forgot - the trouble with leaving it later is that you stretch out the gap between generations - if my son leaves it as late as I did to have children, I may not live to see them grow up....and that relationship with grandparents is really special. Lots of friends of my age have already lost a parent, so my son's friends don't have all their grandparents alive.

 

[Lauren]

I'm sort of reconsidering my career plan now. A good friend once told me 'If you wait for the right time to have a child, you will never have one' and for her this was nearly true - she put her career first and although she has a lovely house and a really good job she waited until she was 39 and I know it took her ages to conceive. She has a beautiful daughter now with no issues or anything but she says she won't have anymore children.

I'm now thinking I could aim to become pregnant near the end of this year if I start knuckling down on my Diabetes now. I could give birth during the summer holidays, after graduating, and then take a year off to enjoy the baby. I could then resume my training with Teachfirst the summer after, and then, after the two years of training, have another baby and then, after that, resume my career as a teacher.

However, I have three main issues:
1. I live in a tiny 2 bedroom flat and we can't currently afford to move
2. I would have no source of income
3. I have no free childcare available as my mum works fulltime and my husband's mum lives far away, and we have no other relatives or friends who could care for a baby

I realise this is a decision I which I have to make, but it is good to talk it through with other people and get their opinions! So thank you for reading 🙂

 

[Redkite]

How right you are that there is never a right time! Teaching is a great career if you have kids, no holiday childcare worries!

When you have your first baby the focus of your life will shift, and you will find space no matter how small your home is (or you could look at moving to a larger place in a cheaper area?). Children cost money (!!!!) but again there are probably plenty of things you could forego in the short term. My brother and his fiancée (both working, early 40s, no kids) go on holiday to exotic destinations many times a year and have the latest iPhones on contract - I do much cheaper holidays and have a £7 a month entry-level smartphone, and evenings out are a rare treat, but being a Mum means my life is rich 🙂. Childcare is very expensive though....

 

[Sally71]

Hi Lauren

Life doesn't always work out how you want it to! I too always wanted children. I met my husband-to-be when I was 24 and he was 31. Got married when I was 27 and he was 34. I planned on having a couple of years to ourselves and then hopefully falling pregnant by the time I was 30.

It didn't work out that way though! Husband was fairly non-committal about having children, I think he thought we had all the time in the world; and I really badly wanted to become a mum, which probably worked against me. It took a while to convince my husband that the time was right for us to try for a child. Then it took 2 years to conceive, probably because I so desperately wanted a baby, it can actually stop you getting one if you put yourself under too much pressure! I finally had my daughter when I was 34 (and I have to add that hubby has been besotted with her since the day she was born!). Everything all fine until she developed D at the age of 6, which is nothing at all to do with our ages, sadly it's in the family. I do feel rather ancient sometimes standing outside school with all the young mums, but I think there are pros and cons for both; if you're younger you might be fitter but if you're a bit older you have the benefit of more life experience to pass on to your child. I don't think I'd have been ready for a baby in my early 20s even if I had met hubby a few years earlier.

I wanted to have a second child but despite knowing that getting too desperate stops it from happening, I couldn't help myself and so have never fallen pregnant again; I too have heard that female fertility drops off after age 35 so that might have been something to do with it, but I suspect my inability to relax and just let nature take its course probably had more to do with it. We are now aged 42 and 50, hubby has admitted that he doesn't want any more children (which I have to take into consideration, it's not all about me) and to be honest now I don't think I'd really want to start all over again either. I think what knocked it on the head for me was when daughter was dx, I decided then that she needs me more than ever and it would have been a terrible time to bring a new baby into the family. If we could have had one about 4 years ago that would have been perfect but you don't always get everything you want!

There will always be a part of me that's sad that we didn't get a second one, especially when daughter keeps going on about wanting a sister, but I have to remember to be grateful for what I have got and stop moaning about what I haven't!

I'm not D but my mum is T1, she was dx aged 22 and had me when she was 27 and my brother when she was 32. She said even in those few years between her pregnancies, the difference in how her D was managed was phenomenal; I nearly died just after I was born because I went into a hypo for 24 hours immediately after birth, something to do with my Mum's elevated BGs during pregnancy. No such drama with my brother! And this was all in the 70s, no MDI only mixed insulins, so I should imagine that what's known about managing D during pregnancy is much better now, as are the types of insulin available etc.

I think what I'm trying to say is that you have to do what's right for you; I don't think I'd recommend waiting much past 35 as you might be disappointed, but beyond that if you have a loving home then go for it whenever you feel ready!

Good luck 🙂

 

[trophywench]

Lauren - you have to do what's right for you - and don't plan on giving birth in the holidays - even if you get preg at the appointed hour - how on earth do you know what's gonna happen after that? You've never been pregnant before. Will you have 24-hr morning sickness for months?

What if your BP blips and you get retinopathy problems? Towards the end, fitting in weekly hospital appts in between college work, whilst all the while balancing your rising BGs - what if eg your 20 week scan coincides with exams?

Or anything.

Sally - FOSTER.

 

[Hanmillmum]

I agree with what's been said - there are pro's and cons to having a baby at any time in your life, and ttc doesn't often go to plan, and then what happens after too doesn't always fit into your expectations. Sometimes feelings are too strong to make you stick to any of your original plans of waiting for more stability economically (i.e. broodiness 🙄)

When I was your age my eldest was one year old and like you my mum was still working f/t so I spent most my wage on child-care once I was back at work. We hardly had a social life as no babysitters and none of my friends had babies yet so didn't really understand the limitations we were faced with, some grew apart as a result of having less contact. We too didn't have much money being early into our career paths, had a two bed house but we managed well on what we had. One of the positives was I had bundles of energy to keep up with lack of sleep and lots of play-time and juggling work. Mills came at 31 after a miscarriage and the pregnancy was rough, I had PND this time and we were only back to normal for a few months when she was dx. However - my mum was retired and could now help out and my friends were now having babies too so there was less feeling isolated and the little ones benefitted from playdates. We were at a place in our careers too that we could afford a longer maternity leave.


Good luck with what you decide Lauren 🙂

 

[tabbicles]

Hi there

I am type 1 and had my 1st at 30 and now expecting number 2 at 34. Number 1 went nice and smoothly and number 2 is going fine as well so far (just had 20 week scan). I was no way ready earlier and am much better positioned work wise. With all the support available (they really look after type 1s at my hospital) and as long as you are well controlled I see no problems. Do what's right for you! X

 

[tabbicles]

I might also point out I got pregnant (planned) but had a m/c at 28. Although I have always been lucky and fallen pregnant quickly this was always in the back of my mind with allowing for time! X

 

[tabbicles]

With regards to blood sugars, I went by my hba1c which was around 7.6 with both pregnancies before I fell pregnant x

 

[Lauren]

Thank you so much for all your input, everyone, it is great to hear everyone's perspectives and your advice is appreciated 🙂

It's good to see that some of you have had babies around the age I'm hoping to have one at. It's reassuring to know it can be done!

Everywhere I go at the moment people are telling me I'd better get on with it or it will be too late, but I think for now I will focus on finishing my degree. Once that is over with I feel I will be in a better position to decide. If I do train with Teach First they may let me take a year out between the first and second years of training, that would be good 🙂

 

[trophywench]

Whatever, when you decide you want to ttc, go forth and seek out your diabetic pre-conception clinic. Oh yes! - they have them!

And will HELP.

 

[Lauren]

I will thanks 🙂 Trying to move to a different Diabetes clinic at the moment as the old one has been neglecting me. Hopefully they will actually help me with pregnancy this time!

 

[tabbicles]

At my hospital there are fantastic nurses who know exactly what they are talking about but until I was looking to get pregnant I saw the outpatients clinic (I'm guessing die to cutbacks not everyone gets to go to the diabetes day unit) which was rubbish, always a student doctor who didn't seem to have any clue about it and I felt I was advising them more than them advising me! When I said I was TTC I got to see the diabetes nurses who I really trust and value their advice. No wonder people are getting ill with diabetes!

Now I'm pregnant I am seen every 2 weeks 🙂

 

[Cleo]

Hi Lauren
I am 37 and just had my first. I have been with my husband for 8 years (although only married for one!). We did our fair share of partying, travelling, etc etc we got everything out of our system and I got to a point in my career where I felt I could 'afford' a bit of a break. I was very lucky and fell pregnant very quickly which completely contradicts the statistics, given my age. I was also induced at 38weeks and my son was tiny (2.5kg!) which again according to most people doesnt make sense as "i am diabetic therefore highly likely to have a big baby". He had no health problems - he was just small (he's made up for it now though!).

Everyone's life and circumstances are different - so do what ever you feel is right for you. And yes, I agree with your friend about waiting for the right time. THere will never be a 'right' time !. Life is about trade offs so I guess you just have to look at the pros and cons of the different scenarios and see how they stack up against each other.....

Of course children cost money but the most important thing is that the baby grows up in a warm and loving environment.

Good luck with what ever choice you make!

xx

 

[trophywench]

That's 'people' for you.

In this day and age, with the help you should be given - NO diabetic pregnancy should end with a 'supersize' baby.

One of our first Pregs on 'other' DSF was Winni's first baby. Despite scans etc showing babes was larger than they reckoned she should be, her birth weight was 6lbs something !

It's down to you whether you can be bothered to test test test correct correct correct and snack snack snack to avoid the hypos caused by blousing to avoid post meal spikes and then snacking to avoid the inevitable hypos !

It is HARD WORK. And so of course is giving birth should you have yours naturally - and my mum always told us "Not for 'nothing' do they call it 'Labour' " LOL

 

[Sally71]

I was a "typical diabetics baby" - born 2 weeks early by C-section and 8lb 5oz. My brother (less than 5 years later) was also 2 weeks early and 6lb 13oz. No reason at all for Ds to have big babies these days! 🙂

 

[grainger]

hey,
Just wanted to add I had my first at 31 this April. No complications (apart from a hellish labour but that wasn't diabetes related) and a healthy gorgeous boy to show for it.
My diabetes team all said before 37 is a good idea. They will help all the way - I was seen very regularly and in some ways you get better care being pregnant with diabetes than without.
Hope it goes well for you when you decide it's time x