popping back in to say a very quick hello

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SilentAssassin1642

SilentAssassin1642

Well-Known Member
Relationship to Diabetes
Type 1
here we go, a very quick pop in from me - i thought I would give you all an update on how I'm doing etc.

So I got my CGM and already I don't want to give it back. I feel very comfortable having it with me all the time, and it's been such a help. Already its showing me trends that I hadn't even noticed before, especially with overnights. Now I know they don't give a true representation of what it actually was, but I've been able to look at it and say "ok, between this and this time I need to up my basals" which I have done. I'm hoping it lasts for a couple more days so I can test the changes i've made both with the CGM and with onight testing.

I have been very down in the dumps for the past few weeks. There have been tears nigh on daily in regards to the diabetes. I am struggling big time with all of it at the moment, getting my head around everything. Getting the pump has really screwed me over more than I ever thought it would. I don't know why, but it has. I have been contemplating asking my DSN if I can see the clinical psychologist at my clinic to talk things through.

I suppose stress at work doesn't help. I don't think I've ever felt as stressed in this job as I do right now.

I had a huge hypo in the middle of boots earlier that ended up with me forgetting my card pin and blocking my card. Fun times.

So this is me, feeling very down in the dumps. I have noticed in the few months since pumping that I have put on weight. Why I don't know because if anything I'm eating less for fear of swinging sugar levels. Probably down to the whole having insulin on tap thing. And do you know what, I have been seriously contemplating giving the pump back - I don't know whether this is down to the really odd depression I've been in a rut with or what. Maybe its just the fact my emotions are so raw with my other cousin going out to afghan as well as the time of year holding so many emotional ties for me. I realised today that I forgot the anniversary of one of my best friends deaths. I hate myself for it.

In essence, I'm stuck in a rut and hiding myself away from a lot of things diabetes related right now. Not only am I hiatusing from here, but I am hiatusing from my blog as well as twitter. And in all honesty, part of me wonders if I will be healthier just staying away from a lot of social media sites and places like this - I don't want to give up my blog but part of me is so fed up of living my diabetes in the public eye with so many emails on a daily basis. Twitter is too public, more so than my blog. And this place, although has given me a lot of help and support, well...we all know the reasons why I started backing away in the first place but I won't go into it.

I guess I just wanted to swing in and say hello and let you know how things are getting on. In truth, not so good. I just want to feel normal again.

And I am walking a very fine tightrope right now and I am so so close to getting back to the way things were. Part of me wants to give up right now, to stop taking the insulin and to just let myself get as ill as I did back then. The problem is, I struggle with it daily. But I force myself into having my insulin. But it's a tough fight and I have this nasty feeling that one day I will fall by the wayside again. And I hate to say it but I fell by the way side with the smoking again...despite promising myself I would never smoke again after the nueropathy reared its ugly head. However, I guilt tripped myself out of it. But I hope you see what I mean when I say tight-rope, because it is.

And I hate it.
 
Sam, sorry to hear that things have overwhelmed you so much. Thank you for the update, you know where I am if I can offer help in any way - take care, my dear.
 
Northerner said:
Sam, sorry to hear that things have overwhelmed you so much. Thank you for the update, you know where I am if I can offer help in any way - take care, my dear.
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Thank you sweet. You are too fab for your own good.

My problem is that I'm hiding it from so many. Matt only has an inkling of how I'm feeling, after I broke down on his shoulder yet again earlier on. Work, less so. Although I did end up throwing my meter half way across the office in high blood sugar rage the other day and then had to explain through the tears to my floor manager what was wrong.

I just don't know what the answer is right now. Do I ask to see the psych? There are real fears there, because I know if I do I will end up breaking down and ending up on the happy pills and by God I don't want that - I saw what they did to my mum...problem is part of me knows that is going to be the only answer but I am too damn frightened to speak up and say anything because I am an utter coward.

I'm broken, and that's the truth. I don't want this stupid bloody disease anymore.
 
Hi Sam

I had been wondering how you had been getting on with your CGM. I thought about sending you a PM but thought you may have disabled them.

I am sorry you are so down - you do need to talk to someone about how you are feeling and your worries over Happy pills. I don't know how long it is since you saw your Mum taking them but they are making improvements all the time. Talking is a good starting point and even if you were to see a counsellor or psychologist you don't have to take tablets if you don't want to - you have to give informed consent for them to be given you.

Please reconsider cutting all your online activities particularly those where you are interacting with people you like - you can block or privatise your communications but it is important to keep contact with people and not cutting yourself off from sources of support.

I hope that the CGM gives you the answers you crave -one thought you have been walking more in the last few months any chance the extra weight is muscle....

Sending you hugs
 
Sam , i hope this helps you feel a little better as far as the weight gain is concerned - since ive been pumping i noticed a had put a bit of weight on and when i saw my DSN explained that i was very upset because this is not what i wanted to happen !!!!! But she ASSURED me this is very common when you first go on a pump and its not uncommon to put on up to half a stone she said its called insulin odema , and its where you blood sugars start to get better and your body absorbs things at a different rate and can make you look a bit puffy , she told me to stick with it and hopefully it will settle down and then you will start to loose weight . Hope this helps and sorry that things are the way they are at the mo 🙂
 
Hi Sam,

I've PMed you too 🙂

<<<<<Massive hugs>>>>>
 
SilentAssassin1642 said:
Thank you sweet. You are too fab for your own good.

My problem is that I'm hiding it from so many. Matt only has an inkling of how I'm feeling, after I broke down on his shoulder yet again earlier on. Work, less so. Although I did end up throwing my meter half way across the office in high blood sugar rage the other day and then had to explain through the tears to my floor manager what was wrong.

I just don't know what the answer is right now. Do I ask to see the psych? There are real fears there, because I know if I do I will end up breaking down and ending up on the happy pills and by God I don't want that - I saw what they did to my mum...problem is part of me knows that is going to be the only answer but I am too damn frightened to speak up and say anything because I am an utter coward.

I'm broken, and that's the truth. I don't want this stupid bloody disease anymore.
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Hi Sam,

I'm not saying that pills are great (after all, I try to avoid all medication unless absolutely needed too!), but my experience with my Dad is slightly different. Yes, initially they got the prescription wrong and he felt pretty grotty at first. But, with the right support, he eventually made some real improvement. I've actually got my Dad back rather than the black unresponsive cloud that he had become.

The pills can help, but they are not the solution and must be regularly reviewed.

Good luck and best wishes,

Andy
 
Hi Sam, sorry to hear how much you are struggling. Whilst I can't claim to know exactly what you are going through I do understand how horrible things can get and how you just feel so broken. It's a strong word to use, and shows how much pain you are in. Try not to cut yourself off as I would like to think that we can help even if it's just a hug or a virtual hug. I suffer from depression and moments of pure terror with my recent health issues and it's hard to share with others sometimes. So often someone says the wrong thing and I shut myself away again. Just hold on to the fact that you will get through this time and we do care and will listen if you need us. Thinking of you and sending those virtual hugs. Look after yourself.xx
 
Thanks all for your replies. To those who have pm'd, thank you too - I shall reply shortly

I am still reading the forum most days, I just can't find it in me to post on a lot of things because I am feeling so down and so broken. The worst thing is that I am hiding it. And it's not doing me any favours. Bottling things up is not the answer.

If it does come down to happy pills then so be it. I need to talk to nursey tomorrow about it, and if necessary make a doctors appointment. I don't want to go down that route, but as there are tears most day and I actually have to fght myself to test my blood and do boluses, I think it might come to that.

I am still reading, and thank you all for your good wishes. I'm sure I'll be back once things have settled and I feel a little more comfortable with things.
 
All the best, hope the nurse can offer some useful help tomorrow. I know what you mean about tears, bit overwhelming at times isn't it. Just stay strong, keep doing the things that you know you have to do and take all the help that is offered. Hope you soon feel better and stronger.xx
 
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