Hi Mrs RM
it sounds like you're a bit lost to me and maybe your team are not picking that up, so perhaps you need a full and frank conversation with them so they understand you a bit better and You understand them a bit better too. As Sue said they're concerned for your welfare. I think sometimes when we get very anxious it can come off as ambivalence, I know if I'm anxious I can be a bit, how to put it, stroppy 😳, I don't mean to be it just sort of happens. Might you need to start afresh with that relationship do you think? Sometimes we just get into a sort of pattern with these things and need to push the reset button. The British stiff upper doesn't help at moments like these but I think it might be worth telling them how all of this is making you feel. It may just prompt them to put their empathy shoes on and take a different approach. Nobody likes to feel like a failure, and the most common reaction to failing is to switch off so they should have some tools in their arsenal to help, because you won't be the first or the last. It's also easy when we're feeling daft and useless to project those emotions onto other people, so we feel like we're being judged, when sometimes the only person judging us is us. The only way to get that out is to say it.
The bottom line is they want to get to the bottom of what's causing that high HBA1c, and I expect you do too. There are generally a few culprits, the basal rate isn't right and thus is keeping your blood sugar generally higher, the ratios or carb estimation isn't right causing peaks/not covering the food, or the timing of the food and insulin is out of whack and you need to look at how to try to bring them in line. I'm not a pumper I'm a stabber, but the same principles apply, except of course with a pump you've got all those lovely special bolus patterns to help out with the last potential issue. To get to the root of the problem you will need to do some fasting and extra testing, but maybe it would help you if you and your team came up with an actual plan, write it down and then take it one step at a time? The reason I'm stressing that you should tell them how you feel is really because no matter how dedicated or brilliant or keen they are they're not in your head and they really have no idea how it feels to live with diabetes 24/7, they can't possibly know that. So tell them, tell them you care, you want to make it better, but you find it difficult when it's all so overwhelming. I don't know about you but I didn't interview for the role of pancreas, they're additional duties when I already had a packed agenda and I don't have the innate abilities my delightful (but incompetent) pancreas had, I don't have little messengers telling me I need to shoot more insulin, or a biofeedback system setting alarms for me, I've just got me, my pen, my meter and a lot of spreadsheets 🙂. Sometimes it's just me and my frustration when I can't make it all behave. It's no wonder we sometimes lose the plot a bit, in fact it's a wonder we aren't all running around like headless chickens.
If you want to do this you absolutely can, and there are lots of people here who'll help in any way they can, if nothing else we'll all be rooting for you. Have you read "Think like a Pancreas" it's a great book, no silliness, very frank and really useful and I think quite motivational because it makes you realise how challenging it is but at the same time how much we can do to make a difference. I've rambled on quite long enough now, but I'd recommend a bit of thinking about how to make your team understand where you are emotionally, I think it might be very helpful. Let us know how you go on 🙂
