My partner has T1, nearly 30 years. We have been together 6 1/2 years but I still find it quite hard to walk the line between supporting without interfering. Would like advice from posters on both sides of that fence please. My man only checks his sugars once every few weeks so I do worry about him. As all you folk understand when you are hypo sometimes you do need help. What do you want from the likes of me? Help!
-
Please Remember: Members are only permitted to share their own experiences. Members are not qualified to give medical advice. Additionally, everyone manages their health differently. Please be respectful of other people's opinions about their own diabetes management.
living with and trying to understand...
- Thread starter supporter
- Start date
- Status
KookyCat
Well-Known Member
- Relationship to Diabetes
- Type 1
Hi supporter
Well that's a tricky one, I'm type 1 but female and I test at least six times a day, sometimes more depending on what my body is up to. I haven't been T1 for thirty years though, just one but I can't see me changing much if I'm honest because I'm a bit of a data and control freak. I like to know what's going on in there 🙂. We're all different though so answering the question is hard. I don't need much practical help but understanding is good, diabetes is hard work and it's nice when folk realise that and don't ask me why I'm eating a biscuit or if I should be eating a piece of cake (which I've usually waited for for months and really really want to savour 🙄). It does sound to me like your partner isn't really controlling it and might be avoiding the issue (testing every couple of weeks would make me very anxious) or maybe his diabetes is unusually stable and after so many years he's just very good at it, who am I to say? In my experience with chaps though there is a little pattern with medical things, if it's going well they're happy to chat, but if not they tend to push you away because they know you'll make them confront it. I don't have a magic answer but if it were me I'd ask what he wants support wise (I like to be asked) and I'd tell him how concerned and anxious it was making me and see what happens. If he wants to open up which he very well might that's a great time for him to do it. If he doesn't there's not a great deal you can do, it's his condition to control and you can't force him to do it sadly. Be careful though, I'm stubborn as a mule, and too much pressure sends me in the other direction, so steady as she goes 🙂
Well that's a tricky one, I'm type 1 but female and I test at least six times a day, sometimes more depending on what my body is up to. I haven't been T1 for thirty years though, just one but I can't see me changing much if I'm honest because I'm a bit of a data and control freak. I like to know what's going on in there 🙂. We're all different though so answering the question is hard. I don't need much practical help but understanding is good, diabetes is hard work and it's nice when folk realise that and don't ask me why I'm eating a biscuit or if I should be eating a piece of cake (which I've usually waited for for months and really really want to savour 🙄). It does sound to me like your partner isn't really controlling it and might be avoiding the issue (testing every couple of weeks would make me very anxious) or maybe his diabetes is unusually stable and after so many years he's just very good at it, who am I to say? In my experience with chaps though there is a little pattern with medical things, if it's going well they're happy to chat, but if not they tend to push you away because they know you'll make them confront it. I don't have a magic answer but if it were me I'd ask what he wants support wise (I like to be asked) and I'd tell him how concerned and anxious it was making me and see what happens. If he wants to open up which he very well might that's a great time for him to do it. If he doesn't there's not a great deal you can do, it's his condition to control and you can't force him to do it sadly. Be careful though, I'm stubborn as a mule, and too much pressure sends me in the other direction, so steady as she goes 🙂
Northerner
Admin (Retired)
- Relationship to Diabetes
- Type 1
Hi supporter, welcome to the forum 🙂 Does your partner drive? If so, then what he is doing (or rather not doing) is illegal - he MUST test prior to driving to ensure he is safe to do so. If he were to have an accident, even if it was not his fault, then he would probably lose his license as he would not be able to provide proof of testing. Also, if he is not testing prior to injecting his insulin then how does he know how much to inject? Does he have many hypos? If he's not having hypos then it is likely that his levels are generally running higher than they need to be. Does he attend his appointments for his regular checks?
Well, I'm sure you are already aware of these difficulties. The problem is that someone who has been diagnosed for so long is probably very 'possessive' about his diabetes, and does not feel that anyone can tell him anything about how to deal with it. This is a big thing to overcome with the danger of being a 'nag' or accused of interfering
You might find the following useful, it is a guide to 'Diabetes Etiquette':
https://www.accu-chek.com/documents/resource-center/etiquetteonepage.pdf
It might also be a good idea to contact the Diabetes UK Careline service for advice - I'm sure they get enquiries of this nature all the time:
http://www.diabetes.org.uk/Guide-to-diabetes/Teens/Help-and-support/We-can-help/Careline/
People do suffer from 'diabetes burnout', where care of their diabetes becomes overwhelming, but I suspect that your partner has just become complacent due to his long time of dealing with it. Perhaps you can persuade him to get a 'refresher' appointment with his consultant or DSN, just so he can find out where he stands with everything? It may be that he has been very lucky and all is fine - although this would still not mean that it is OK to skip testing before driving.
Good luck, let us know if you make any progress! 🙂
Well, I'm sure you are already aware of these difficulties. The problem is that someone who has been diagnosed for so long is probably very 'possessive' about his diabetes, and does not feel that anyone can tell him anything about how to deal with it. This is a big thing to overcome with the danger of being a 'nag' or accused of interfering
You might find the following useful, it is a guide to 'Diabetes Etiquette':https://www.accu-chek.com/documents/resource-center/etiquetteonepage.pdf
It might also be a good idea to contact the Diabetes UK Careline service for advice - I'm sure they get enquiries of this nature all the time:
http://www.diabetes.org.uk/Guide-to-diabetes/Teens/Help-and-support/We-can-help/Careline/
People do suffer from 'diabetes burnout', where care of their diabetes becomes overwhelming, but I suspect that your partner has just become complacent due to his long time of dealing with it. Perhaps you can persuade him to get a 'refresher' appointment with his consultant or DSN, just so he can find out where he stands with everything? It may be that he has been very lucky and all is fine - although this would still not mean that it is OK to skip testing before driving.
Good luck, let us know if you make any progress! 🙂
Robin
Well-Known Member
- Relationship to Diabetes
- Type 1
- Pronouns
- She/Her
That's a tricky one. Opening a channel of communication on the subject is perhaps the most important step. Telling him you want to understand more about his diabetes, but don't know what questions to ask might be one approach, to get round the problem of asking the wrong question. My husband knows to his cost that asking the wrong question at the wrong time can be perilous ( He once asked me, sympathetically, if it was the Wrong Time of the Month, and I yelled back ' NO! IM JUST IN A BAD MOOD).
Good luck.
Good luck.
Thank you everyone for your thoughtful replies. I wonder there is anyone else 'out there' who is living with someone who doesn't look after themselves? I guess most of you using this site do so because you DO really care about your health.
My partner (will call him X) does have a rather cavalier attitude to his health and I have sleepless nights wishing he would care. Perhaps I am posting here as a way of expressing how I feel because I love him and wish that he loved himself enough.
X has laser eye treatment annually, his HbAc is >100. He has done Daphne, sees a consultant and never misses a check-up, but doesn't trust DSNs . Charms them all into believing he hangs on their every word, I expect! It is some scary hypos that have led him to prefer to run high. He drives long distances and is frightened to death of going low. He does check in the morning before he hits the road if he thinks he could be low. .
My partner (will call him X) does have a rather cavalier attitude to his health and I have sleepless nights wishing he would care. Perhaps I am posting here as a way of expressing how I feel because I love him and wish that he loved himself enough.
X has laser eye treatment annually, his HbAc is >100. He has done Daphne, sees a consultant and never misses a check-up, but doesn't trust DSNs . Charms them all into believing he hangs on their every word, I expect! It is some scary hypos that have led him to prefer to run high. He drives long distances and is frightened to death of going low. He does check in the morning before he hits the road if he thinks he could be low. .
Northerner
Admin (Retired)
- Relationship to Diabetes
- Type 1
I'm very sorry to hear this 100 is very high, and the increasing risk of complications is almost inevitable unless he starts to control things more. Your concern is very understandable, it must be very difficult for you Many people are afraid of hypos, it's not unusual at all, but they are not inevitable if better control of blood sugars is aimed for. Does he need to drive for his work then? If so, he may just be putting off for a year or two the time when his eyesight is so compromised that he won't be able to. I'm surprised he doesn't trust DSNs, maybe it's because they are giving it to him straight - do something about it or he will have big regrets
It sounds like he needs psychological help, to help him come to terms with his fear of hypos - might there be some way to persuade him of this?
You're certainly not the first person to have concerns about a partner, but it is very difficult to help someone unless they want to help themselves. Will he sit down with you and discuss, without brushing it off or being evasive, your fears? I wish you luck and hope you can convince him that he can and must take positive action to get things under control.
100 is very high, and the increasing risk of complications is almost inevitable unless he starts to control things more. Your concern is very understandable, it must be very difficult for you Many people are afraid of hypos, it's not unusual at all, but they are not inevitable if better control of blood sugars is aimed for. Does he need to drive for his work then? If so, he may just be putting off for a year or two the time when his eyesight is so compromised that he won't be able to. I'm surprised he doesn't trust DSNs, maybe it's because they are giving it to him straight - do something about it or he will have big regrets It sounds like he needs psychological help, to help him come to terms with his fear of hypos - might there be some way to persuade him of this?
You're certainly not the first person to have concerns about a partner, but it is very difficult to help someone unless they want to help themselves. Will he sit down with you and discuss, without brushing it off or being evasive, your fears? I wish you luck and hope you can convince him that he can and must take positive action to get things under control.
Thank you. I have thought
T about psychological help, but that's not his bag. He gets very angry with me if I suggest anything as he is the expert, but I see how exhausted he is and how he hates it. I feel so sorry for him having to live with it, but can't help thinking he could feel so much l better. I wish we could swap places as I am a control freak! They say opposites attract.....
T about psychological help, but that's not his bag. He gets very angry with me if I suggest anything as he is the expert, but I see how exhausted he is and how he hates it. I feel so sorry for him having to live with it, but can't help thinking he could feel so much l better. I wish we could swap places as I am a control freak! They say opposites attract.....
Marshmallow
Member
- Relationship to Diabetes
Hi Supporter.
My DP has been T1 for 5 years we have only been together 9 months. In this time we have had 3 blue light DKA several hypos and he is currently in bed with ANOTHER sickness bug
I joined this forum today hoping for my sanity to find another carer with a stubborn diabetic. (Although for your sake I wish you didn't have to join).
I look forward to talking to you more.
ATM I am playing nurse maid as he can't stay awake long enough to check his sugars and do his insulin so I am waking through the night to try and manage him. When he is well I get the same treatment as you.
My DP has been T1 for 5 years we have only been together 9 months. In this time we have had 3 blue light DKA several hypos and he is currently in bed with ANOTHER sickness bug
I joined this forum today hoping for my sanity to find another carer with a stubborn diabetic. (Although for your sake I wish you didn't have to join).
I look forward to talking to you more.
ATM I am playing nurse maid as he can't stay awake long enough to check his sugars and do his insulin so I am waking through the night to try and manage him. When he is well I get the same treatment as you.
- Status