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I am a mess

Discussion in 'General Messageboard' started by Emma Lowery, Jul 12, 2019.

  1. Emma Lowery

    Emma Lowery Well-Known Member

    Relationship to Diabetes:
    Type 1.5 LADA
    i don’t really know where to begin. I don’t feel like I’ve truly been myself for the last 6/7 years since I was diagnosed.

    End of last year it all came to a head when I ended up in hospital with DKA and rediagnosed as type 1. After this I started taking my insulin seriously and got my results down to 60’s. I also put on a couple of stone.

    I then found out I have pcos. I’ve recently got married and we are wanting to try for a baby. The doctor asked me if id ever thought about losing some weight and after that something switched and the insulin stopped again.

    No insulin means I’ve had ketone level of 7.2 and yes I do know how dangerous this is. I then get it back under control but can’t bring myself to take the insulin regularly because I just feel so overweight and see insulin as this massive weight gain medicine (I know it’s not and it’s what I eat)

    In addition to this I’ve been signed off work for weeks because I just don’t want to do anything. I struggle to just get out of bed and dressed. I got given antidepressants but haven’t been taking them properly so I suppose it’s my own fault I’m not helping myself.

    I went back to work for a week and have been off the last 3 days because I just can’t face it. I’m having panic attacks thinking about work. I know my blood sugars are high I can’t even bring myself to test them. I’m just in such a mess and I don’t know how to get out of this spiral. I’ve even found myself thinking I’d rather go to hospital than have to face work. I know I’m messing with my health really badly my eyesight is blurry my feet swell every time I take my insulin and I’ve got terrible thrush.

    Please I really can’t take a lecture it’s half the reason I haven’t been to my doctors I know what I’m doing is wrong I just can’t stand being told off.
     
  2. rebrascora

    rebrascora Well-Known Member

    Relationship to Diabetes:
    Type 1
    Hi Emma

    So sorry to hear you are struggling. I am sure we all (or at least most of us) do or will at some stage, so it is important to seek help when you need it. I have suffered with mental health issues for a lot of years, so I understand how things stack up until suddenly everything becomes an insurmountable obstacle and you don't know which way to turn or what to tackle first but the most important thing is your health and wellbeing, so focus on that.
    I would agree with @BennyG that low carb and exercise would both benefit you because I know they are benefitting me. I try to keep my insulin use to an absolute minimum and once you learn how to eat low carb it becomes easier and quite enjoyable even and my mental health has improved as a result.... I have not taken anti depressants for 20 years because I don't like the effect they have of making everything grey.
    You do need to put some effort into getting to grips with it but you will have our support and if I can do it, so can you.
    Is your husband supportive or do you have another relative or friend who can help you and keep you on the right track. My partner is not very good in this respect but my sister is brilliant.
    I set myself very low and achievable targets with exercise..... you have to make it easy at least in the early stages. Any exercise is better than none, so don't think it has to be something significant. Sometimes it will just be just walking or running up stairs 5 or10x and walking down if I can't face leaving the house. Maybe do that twice a day and increase the number. Go out for a walk and consciously walk faster than normal (power walk). It might be just round the block for 10-15 mins but gradually increase it and make sure you are putting a bit of effort into it rather than just strolling.
    You need to test your blood and take action to reduce it. It doesn't matter how high it is, you need to deal with it so go test it and come back with the result. I am no expert but we can only offer advice if we know where things are at. We are not here to judge you, just to help you get back on track and your health care professionals should be the same. I am my own worst critic, but I too struggle to cope if someone else is judgemental. I once ate a whole packet of Jacobs salt and vinegar crackers in a moment of weakness one night and put my BG up to 27 the next day, so I know that it is easy to fall off the wagon. If you are consistently that high then you are putting your health at serious risk and need to be in hospital to get it under control, so knowing where your levels are will give us an idea of what best to tell you.

    Don't be frightened of testing. You should be frightened of not testing. Burying your head in the sand is not the answer and you know it which is why you have come here and posted this cry for help and you deserve credit for taking that first step in acknowledging it..... So, go do a test and post the result and then perhaps we can suggest what you need to do. I am surprised that you would test for ketones and not your blood glucose.
    It would also help to know which insulin(s) you are using (or maybe I should say prescribed, since it sounds like you have not been using it). We are here to help and support you, and you clearly want help because otherwise you wouldn't be here, so take that next step and test.

    Best wishes

    Barbara
     
  3. Emma Lowery

    Emma Lowery Well-Known Member

    Relationship to Diabetes:
    Type 1.5 LADA
    My blood sugars are 30

    I’m prescribed lantus and novorapid
     
  4. rebrascora

    rebrascora Well-Known Member

    Relationship to Diabetes:
    Type 1
    Ok. Well done for testing. That is obviously a very high reading (but we were both expecting that). If it has been that high for some time then you should really go to hospital via A&E or at the very least contact the NHS advice helpline.
    If you are not prepared to do that then at the very least, take your regular Lantus insulin dose tonight and then do a fasting test in the morning and plan to have a low carb breakfast. What are you like with omelettes? Do you have any mushrooms or ham and peppers to put in it. I have a side salad with my breakfast omelette and that keeps me full for most of the day. Keep off the bread though.
    Will check in with you here in the morning as I am sure others will too. We need to see your fasting BG in the morning and hopefully you will manage an omelette for breakfast or some other very low carb option. We will take this one step at a time and together we will do this. If it is any consolation I have had a rare struggle day today when I have had cravings, so trying to help you, is reminding me of what I need to do to get a grip myself. Tomorrow will be a better day for both of us.
     
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  5. rebrascora

    rebrascora Well-Known Member

    Relationship to Diabetes:
    Type 1
    The high blood sugar levels will be causing at least some of your anxiety both about work and everything else. Once you get them down, you will be able to think more rationally and cope better. Nothing else matters at this stage, so make that your primary goal.
    .
     
  6. everydayupsanddowns

    everydayupsanddowns Moderator

    Relationship to Diabetes:
    Type 1
    So sorry to hear that you are experiencing this Emma. Diabetes comes with a significant increase in likelihood of experiencing mental health difficulties, and it seems that’s what you are living through.

    It isn’t your fault, and you are not alone. Lots and lots of people have faced these challenges and worked through them - and you will too. But it will take time, effort and lots and lots of small steps. Taking your basal insulin every day is one.

    High BG levels will have a negative impact on your mood in themselves - so you are really caught between a rock and a hard place.

    We understand a little of what you are facing. But be proud of yourself for reaching out here, and also for having begun to raise it with your Dr/Nurse. Well done for taking those steps - there are no insignificant small steps that you can make at this stage, and each one will bring you closer to the happier healthier you that you want to be.

    You can do this. It will be difficult, and take determination. But you are showing by posting here that you want to fix this.

    Be as honest as you can with your healthcare team - including that you are skipping insulin, and your worries about insulin and weight.

    I would also suggest you make contact with DWED (diabetics with eating disorders) which is a small, specialist charity that supports people facing intense challenges around insulin use and weight.

    Can you be referred to a specialist diabetes psychologist too?

    Looking back over previous posts, it seems that even fairly recently your diabetes management was in a very different place, with more in-range numbers - so you know you are able to work through this with the right support and us all cheering you on.
     
    Last edited: Jul 12, 2019
    missclb, Amity Island, SB2015 and 2 others like this.
  7. grovesy

    grovesy Well-Known Member

    Relationship to Diabetes:
    Type 2
    Sorry to hear you are struggling, I agree with @everydayupsanddowns re contacting DWED. You do need to for help!
    I have not suffered what you are going through exactly but I have had depression and I found taking anti-depressants helped me. I found it a struggle to get out of bed at times and did not find comments like get out and exercise helpful.
    Hope you can find help.
     
  8. Carolg

    Carolg Well-Known Member

    Relationship to Diabetes:
    Type 2
    I certainly won’t tell you off. I will say I have been in that negative spiral and worked hard to get through it. Every time you have a positive part of day, give yourself a mental cuddle (here is a virtual one from me for just being you). Can I just say that with help and a bit of being thrawn I clawed myself out of the spiral, but slowly day by day. Keep posting and take care of yourself
     
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  9. SueEK

    SueEK Well-Known Member

    Relationship to Diabetes:
    Type 2
    Hi Emma, so sorry you are having such a rubbish time and really from the bottom of my heart I want to say well done for posting and being so honest, you have started your journey to get things back under control. You’ve had lots of great advice so far and I hope you can implement some of it, definitely try to get back to using your insulin as that is key.
    Personally I would recommend that you do take your antidepressants, I too, like many others have had mental health problems in the past and I hated taking them; HOWEVER I looked at it that if I broke my leg I would have to wear a cast to give it time to heal and it wouldn’t come off until it was healed, and the brain is just the same, it needs help to heal. I agree that exercise will be of great benefit but that was the last thing I was capable of doing.
    I hope you have a partner, close friend or good nurse who will understand where you are and give the support that you need. Please keep in touch as all of us on this forum want to see you get better and support you along the way. Much love to you Emma xx
     
  10. rebrascora

    rebrascora Well-Known Member

    Relationship to Diabetes:
    Type 1
    Hi Emma
    How are you feeling this morning? Hope you took your Lantus last night. Have you managed to do a fasting test this morning? Not wanting to nag but just hoping you can work with us to help you. So pleased to see that others have chipped in with some great advice, as I knew they would because this is such a great community. We know this is hard, but if you can break it down into just one very small step at a time and focus on that and credit yourself when you achieve it, it is possible to claw this back in very little time and start feeling better.
     
  11. Grannylorraine

    Grannylorraine Well-Known Member

    Relationship to Diabetes:
    Type 2
    Hi Emma

    So sorry to read your post. As someone who has suffers depression and anxiety, like you I struggled to get out of bed, wouldn't drive, husband had to wait on the platform with me and put me on my train to work, I can honestly say that exercise will help with this, I am now on the minimal dosage of antidepressants. Just a nice walk everyday whatever the weather will help and if you can walk fast enough will help with your weight as well. If I have a bad morning at work I go out and walk at lunchtime to clear my head and it really does help, I can always tell that I am calming down as My pace starts to slow down.

    I started running last year at age 55 it has helped me so much, I know running is not for everyone but just using it as an example. I run with a group so their is a social aspect as well. You may find a local walking group if that would help.

    I can't offer any advice re insulin as I have never taken it, but I have recently switched to a lower carb diet, I am losing weight steadily at approx 1 - 2 lbs per week and lowered my HbA1c levels a lot.

    Please keep us updated on how you are doing. You have taken the first step by coming on here for support, you are not alone and as in a previous posy celebrate even the smallest achievement.

    Sending you virtual hugs,
     
  12. Lizzzie

    Lizzzie Well-Known Member

    Relationship to Diabetes:
    Type 1
    I hear that you don't want a lecture, so I read your post again asking myself what you do want. Is it motivation....? And then I realised. It's empathy.

    It sounds as though you are being talked at and given advice and even know what you *should* be doing (although there's lots of information and it's tricky to know where to start). incorporating diabetic care into your life can feel like a big uphill struggle at first, and it sounds as though you need someone to acknowledge that you are finding it really, really tough.

    And that's okay. It's because it's difficult. In what other illness are you supposed to work out your own dose several times a day, when the dose actually varies according to all sorts of other factors and you feel rubbish when you get it wrong? If there are three meals a day, it can go wrong at least three times and that's frustrating. And tough.

    In short, it's alright to feel intimidated. You are standing at the bottom of a hill looking up at it, thinking 'oh help.' But you can DO it.

    Start simply. What is the ONE thing you need to do? Are you taking your background Insulin as prescribed????

    If not, is there anything stopping you from starting with that today?

    If SO, do you feel up to having some short acting insulin with your lunch?

    OR : is there information you need? Like 'what are you talking about, short acting and long acting insulin?' (Your first step to getting information can always be asking here).

    Just pick something to get right first. You can do this.
     
    SB2015, Kaylz and SueEK like this.
  13. KARNAK

    KARNAK Well-Known Member

    Relationship to Diabetes:
    Type 1
    Hello Emma great to see you posting again although the circumstances are not great. I think you have been given enough advice just try and act on it a little at a time. This as you know is a great place to get support and support is what you will have, {{{HUGS}}} for now keep posting please.
     
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  14. Martha Diabetes UK

    Martha Diabetes UK Administrator Staff Member

    Hi Emma, we've sent you a private message. Take a look when you can :)
     
  15. Thebearcametoo

    Thebearcametoo Well-Known Member

    Relationship to Diabetes:
    Parent
    Hi Emma, just checking in to see how you’re doing. Chronic health issues are very difficult and when you couple that with depression too there can be an element of self sabotage, ‘it’s too difficult so I’m not even going to try’ and/or ‘I deserve to feel as terrible physically as I do mentally’. You are worthy of love. You are worthy of a body that works. You are worth treating. As you are. Not just if you get down to a certain weight or a certain blood glucose level. As you are right now, you are worthy of care. I hope you're having a better day.
     
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  16. Flower

    Flower Well-Known Member

    Relationship to Diabetes:
    Type 1
    Hi Emma, I'm so sorry to read how you're feeling. You're not a mess, you're in a mess and you need some specific help to get to a happier place. :)

    It's incredibly tough dealing with diabetes and having lived with diabulimia for a number of years I know what a huge, complicated web of conflicting thoughts it can be. Please speak to your diabetes team, say what you've said to us- they have heard it before- insulin manipulation is surprisingly common and there is specific help out there. It may take some finding but you need that help and a strategy to get you to a happier healthier place. My issues started from a throw away comment at a clinic about keeping an eye on my weight - and similar to what you say and I set off on a long term spiral of destruction that was very easy to fall into and exceptionally hard to untangle and start to move on from.

    It isn't sufficient to be told to just take your insulin - if you could do that you would be doing so. There is specific help and it wasn't until I found it that I could start to move on. Please consider contacting DWED as Mike suggests - the issues you’re facing are what they help with, they are a fantastic group.

    You deserve to be healthy with a happy future to look forward to. Being 6 stone didn't bring me happiness and solve my problems -it unleashed a torrent of medical complications that I live with daily. Looking back it was not worth it for one moment and if I could undo my time battling diabetes and living with high blood sugar I would. Please don't do as I did. Ask for help and tell them exactly what you're doing/not doing because you deserve to feel better and you can feel better.

    Sending you my best wishes.
     
    Last edited: Jul 12, 2019
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  17. Lucy Honeychurch

    Lucy Honeychurch Well-Known Member

    Relationship to Diabetes:
    Type 1
    Very sorry to read this and sending you (((hugs))). As mentioned above please contact DWED x
     
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  18. SB2015

    SB2015 Well-Known Member

    Relationship to Diabetes:
    Type 1
    Hi Emma, So glad that you posted, and sorry that you are having such a difficult time at present. Well done for taking that first step.

    You have all the advice you need, and you already know what you need to do, it is just hard to do it.
    As others have said the antidepressants can help. If you broke your leg and we’re given crutches you would use them. These are the same for mental stability, and can help to settle things.

    (((((((((Big hugs from me)))))))))
     
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  19. Eddy Edson

    Eddy Edson Well-Known Member

    Relationship to Diabetes:
    Type 2
    Hi Emma - Completely clueless & unqualified to give any advice but not to send you a {{HUG}}. Be kind to yourself!
     
  20. rebrascora

    rebrascora Well-Known Member

    Relationship to Diabetes:
    Type 1
    Hi again Emma
    Hope that your lack of response means that you took yourself off to hospital or are seeking some other assistance. Please give us a quick update that you are safe when you are able. Don't worry about replying to individual posts, I am sure we all would just like some reassurance that you are getting some professional help to feel better and get those levels down. Take care.
     
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