How to best support husband

[Caroline Fairclough]

hi, I am new. My husband is Type1 and has been for about 14 years. we have been together for about 11 years now and not once has his sugar levels been normal! his latest HBA1C was 80% (down from 84% 6 months ago). it was previously in the 90s. His sugars daily are anywhere from 3-13! I have come to the point now where I literally don't know how to help or support him and encourage him. Last year was the first year he really took it seriously and lost about 2 stone which was great. However he has put all the weight back on and blood pressure gone back up as a result.
I don't know what I can do to help him or encourage him so I just want to ask people who are in the same boat how best I can help him and get his sugars to a more safe level. I realise its not my responsibility but I see it that we are a team so if I can help in any way I can, I will!

Thanks everyone 🙂

 

[grovesy]

Welcome.

 

[trophywench]

Only by encouragement Caroline - and also using logic, I have always used both my husbands to bounce my own logic off and though they hardly ever come to a different conclusion about how many carbs they reckon are in this whatever the waiter in the pub has just placed before me - it is very reassuring when someone else agrees with my guesstimate.

Having said that - they were/are both actually pretty clued up about D and it's treatment and idiosyncrasies - are you? Is he?

Diabetes UK have shedloads of info, plus you could do a lot worse than both read a book (don't think I've gone daft) called 'Type 1 diabetes in babies, children and young adults' by Ragnar Hanas - it's actually really useful whatever age you happen to be and as it's intended firstly for parents who obviously haven't a clue about D at first, to read - it's not written in 'medicalese'.

Incidentally - my second husband always tells folk that having a hypo automatically turns all diabetics into liars - since when we are low and behaving strangely enough for our nearest and dearest to enquire if we're OK - we INEVITABLY insist that we're absolutely FINE - especially when we REALLY are NOT !

 

[Caroline Fairclough]

Yes I would say he was quite knowledgeable about it really but he doesn't seem to apply it! we both went on an Xpert (?) course last year - a 6 week intensive course which was fantastic and that's when he lost 2 stone. He seems to be in denial still really even after 14 years and because he's had no complications (I thank God!) there isn't the same incentive to change habits I guess. He does hide things from me and he's not great at emotional communication so it can be hard to know if he is struggling or not. His job role has changed so its a lot less physical now than it was before so I don't think that helped with his weight gain. He loves his food and certainly feels that he knows what to inject at every meal without consulting a book to really count the carbs. I joined here really as I was getting quite stressed about it all! I am worried about all the complications that can still come his way and it frustrates me that he never seems to do anything about it. I just want to see an improvement...

 

[grovesy]

Yes I would say he was quite knowledgeable about it really but he doesn't seem to apply it! we both went on an Xpert (?) course last year - a 6 week intensive course which was fantastic and that's when he lost 2 stone. He seems to be in denial still really even after 14 years and because he's had no complications (I thank God!) there isn't the same incentive to change habits I guess. He does hide things from me and he's not great at emotional communication so it can be hard to know if he is struggling or not. His job role has changed so its a lot less physical now than it was before so I don't think that helped with his weight gain. He loves his food and certainly feels that he knows what to inject at every meal without consulting a book to really count the carbs. I joined here really as I was getting quite stressed about it all! I am worried about all the complications that can still come his way and it frustrates me that he never seems to do anything about it. I just want to see an improvement...

I can't help with any suggestions but just wanted to say your not alone, we have had few partners joining worried about their other halves and wanting to support them.

 

[trophywench]

So - have you told him how worried you are about his getting complications - and how very EXTRA worrying it is that he doesn't seem to share your worry? Cos I think you need to know why - according to him - he doesn't appear to care.

 

[Caroline Fairclough]

So - have you told him how worried you are about his getting complications - and how very EXTRA worrying it is that he doesn't seem to share your worry? Cos I think you need to know why - according to him - he doesn't appear to care.

I think he does care but perhaps he's overwhelmed by it all so puts his head in the sand! He is much better than he used to be I guess I just find it hard that I have no control, I can't do anything! It's an ongoing challenge I just wish I could help him better

 

[Ralph-YK]

Yes I would say he was quite knowledgeable about it really but he doesn't seem to apply it! we both went on an Xpert (?) course last year - a 6 week intensive course which was fantastic and that's when he lost 2 stone. He seems to be in denial still really even after 14 years and because he's had no complications (I thank God!) there isn't the same incentive to change habits I guess.

I think he does care but perhaps he's overwhelmed....

Maybe is is overwhelmed and fedup (and some other better words that my mush for brains won't let me have).
I'm guessing, since I'm T2 who's just on metformin. Motivation can be a problem. And maybe he's had enough, wondering what the point is. 14 years in and all he has done. Still T1 taking insulin and doesn't get a day off.
I've see this phrase recently. "I've been adulting!" and "I don't want to adult anymore!"
Maybe he just doesn't want to have to think about it every single day, every single meal.

 

[Ralph-YK]

He does hide things from me and he's not great at emotional communication...

We English are like that. Maybe he's scared and thinks it's bad. Or burdensomeness. And doesn't want to put it on you.

...so it can be hard to know if he is struggling or not.

Maybe just go with he is unless told otherwise

 

[Ralph-YK]

I just find it hard that I have no control, I can't do anything! It's an ongoing challenge I just wish I could help him better

Yes, it is difficult for you.

 

[trophywench]

I think he does care but perhaps he's overwhelmed by it all so puts his head in the sand! He is much better than he used to be I guess I just find it hard that I have no control, I can't do anything! It's an ongoing challenge I just wish I could help him better

Caroline how the hell could anyone else ever have any control over someone else's diabetes - when NONE of us who have it have complete control of our own - only to a certain degree - and it still throws surprises at us whenever it feels like it. It's not only your man this happens to - it's every single one of us from time to time - and frankly - it's EXCEEDINGLY tedious to deal with every bloody day as it hardly ever stands still !

Some days are better than others. Weekend before last I had hypo after hypo and last week I suddenly needed more and more insulin to treat the same cold I'd had the weekend I was going hypo and have still got. Didn't have a bad day at all yesterday seemingly, normal doses seemed to be working for a nice change but culminating in an 18.1 in the early hours of today. I mean I do know why and it's just basically lack of attention to various things - starting with my over-salting the rice for dinner so I'd OD'd for it and then couldn't eat any of the rice, only the chili so I had a pudding since I couldn't remove the insulin - but I then didn't bother to test a couple of hours later cos I just forgot and that's that - so it wasn't till I got up to use the bathroom that I thought I felt extra muzzy headed and remembered O SHEET! - I never even tested before bed! That really is exceptionally rare after doing it almost every night for 44 years, and I've no idea why I didn't, BUT ... I just didn't and that's that.

There's nothing that ANYONE could have done short of watching my every breath 24/7 to prevent it, is there ?

Important thing here is not to spend time agonising over it - it's water under the bridge and I wouldn't have even bothered mentioning it normally - cos we ALL do stuff like this to a greater or lesser degree from time to time and people will read it and just say - BT DT GTTS - and laugh with me!

 

[Radders]

Could you suggest to your husband that he join this forum?

 

[trophywench]

Well - that's what I was thinking too. I mean nobody here is going to be critical about anything cos we all do things that - in my old DSN's terminology 'Might not have been the best plan' LOL and by reading what someone else did when whatever happened can sometimes ring very loud bells and be lightbulb moments - Gosh! - I'll have a go at doing that and see if it helps me too!' - that's why (as well as suggesting stuff to other folk when we can) I stick around, at least.

I don't care how long I've had it - I can still learn something different almost every day. At least, encourage him to have a delve (anonymously if he wants) and see if he finds anything useful.