How many carers on this forum

[cakemaker]

I don't have diabetes but I am affected by it because my husband has T2.
This forum has given me some insight into living with diabetes but is there anywhere to discuss living with someone who has diabetes.
I am my husbands main 'carer' and I use that loosly as I'm not like a parent controlling his medication and doing tests etc. but I am greatly affected because I cook all the meals and control what he eats after much research into cals. and carbs. and I remind him to take his meds.
I've recently read about checking feet, I hate feet... yuk but I'm willing to do it for him although I'm not really sure what to look for.
I put up with his moods and watch for him looking ill, tired or agitated.
He's not in denial of the diabetes but he won't come on this forum and only talks to a couple of other friends who have T2 and he hates me mentioning it to friends/family. He says that it's up to me to do the research because I do the cooking and I need to understand and help him.
Is there anywhere to talk to those in the same position as me?

 

[everydayupsanddowns]

Hi Cakemaker

We do have a fair few members who are carers, both in terms of parents, but also partners and also adults with older diabetic relatives.

Hopefully some of them will spot this thread and say hello

M

 

[Northerner]

I can actually tell you that we have 365 members currently registers as 'Carers', although many of that number may no longer be reading and posting. You are, of course welcome to discuss things along with everyone else, and hopefully getting the perspectives of many people who have diabetes will also help you to understand a little about how things may appear from your husband's perspective. 🙂

This page should help explain what to check the feet for:

http://www.diabetes.org.uk/Guide-to-diabetes/Monitoring/Feet/

Basically, you are trying to avoid any infections taking hold, as these can take longer to heal with diabetes, so any cuts, blisters etc. need to be monitored and kept clean.

Your husband really ought to be a little more proactive with his diabetes rather than expecting you to nurse him - it is not just about food, but about taking an active interest in your own health (sorry if that came across a little harsh! 🙂)

 

[trophywench]

Unfortunately HCPs at GP surgeries are pretty dreadful at explaining to their patients exactly who treats a diabetic's diabetes. Fortunately HCPs at hospital diabetes clinics are better educated.

They should ask a question of the diabetic - ie Who treats your diabetes?

A lot of people give the wrong answer here and say Dr This or Nurse That.

That's rubbish. (according to my DSN LOL)

The only correct answer is ME.

Unless of course the person is incapable physically or mentally.

The very best any HCP (or indeed their partner/parent) can do for a diabetic, is ASSIST them. The rest of it is entirely down to them!

Cooking and menus - just maybe. (although my husband can do both, plus the washing and ironing, he irons far better than me as a matter of fact) Anything else? - me, me me. Pretty good at eyeballing carbs though and some of the maths when I get me knickers in a twist, giving anti-hypo jabs (or insulin ones in an emergency) and also v good at looking at bits of my body I can't actually see myself (spots on bum or the middle of my back etc)

Get the feet leaflet, read it with him. Then just nag him remorselessly until he does it !

 

[pippin]

Hi
I am a carer for my dad who has type 2 diabetes. There's only the two of us at home so I am in charge of his diet etc as he can't cook at all! I also look after dad's feet and do all the research into diabetes, the diet he needs to follow etc

Dad doesn't suffer from low moods or any typical diabetic symptoms although I watch for all of them and ask just in case. Dad does his part and has learnt a lot from the info I have found which makes my looking after him so much easier. The hard bit for dad was eating less especially potatoes but now he has got used to smaller amounts. He doesn't have a weight problem in fact it's the opposite for him (he needs to gain but it's hard due to less food at meal times)

We are really good friends which is why my caring is a lot easier. Think he has more to cope with when I start chatting about what people say on this forum 😉 I can go to his appointments to see the nurse at the Doctors. Have to admit the first one was the worst as I felt I was denying dad of food thankfully this was sorted and we both get along really well. I worry a lot more than dad does and will spend a lot of time researching, he shouts at me as he thinks I should be giving more time to myself!



I wish dad would come to the forum but he doesn't really use computers. I have given him my first iPad but so far he hasn't used it for the forum. I'm working on that but overall dad isn't online. I download RSS blogs ie Northerner's one plus a few other Diabetes related ones to the iPads and he will read these. He has read Gretchen's book over and over again (dad will read books no problem) the book has also helped him and I am so pleased at how much dad has understood.

Cooking etc was never dad's job mum cooked for dad then I took over so it's our fault. He is active about his diabetes with his exercise and diet. I don't mind caring for his feet (nobody else's!!) we have both come through his first year together and are still great friends although I understand the difference in our circumstance as father/daughter is a lot different than husband/wife.

I hope you will be abl to cope, RTs assured this forum is the best place to be when you are a carer. I will always be thankful I could select carer when I came here as dad wouldn't have joined himself.

 

[novorapidboi26]

Hi
I am a carer for my dad who has type 2 diabetes. There's only the two of us at home so I am in charge of his diet etc as he can't cook at all! I also look after dad's feet and do all the research into diabetes, the diet he needs to follow etc

Dad doesn't suffer from low moods or any typical diabetic symptoms although I watch for all of them and ask just in case. Dad does his part and has learnt a lot from the info I have found which makes my looking after him so much easier. The hard bit for dad was eating less especially potatoes but now he has got used to smaller amounts. He doesn't have a weight problem in fact it's the opposite for him (he needs to gain but it's hard due to less food at meal times)

We are really good friends which is why my caring is a lot easier. Think he has more to cope with when I start chatting about what people say on this forum 😉 I can go to his appointments to see the nurse at the Doctors. Have to admit the first one was the worst as I felt I was denying dad of food thankfully this was sorted and we both get along really well. I worry a lot more than dad does and will spend a lot of time researching, he shouts at me as he thinks I should be giving more time to myself!



I wish dad would come to the forum but he doesn't really use computers. I have given him my first iPad but so far he hasn't used it for the forum. I'm working on that but overall dad isn't online. I download RSS blogs ie Northerner's one plus a few other Diabetes related ones to the iPads and he will read these. He has read Gretchen's book over and over again (dad will read books no problem) the book has also helped him and I am so pleased at how much dad has understood.

Cooking etc was never dad's job mum cooked for dad then I took over so it's our fault. He is active about his diabetes with his exercise and diet. I don't mind caring for his feet (nobody else's!!) we have both come through his first year together and are still great friends although I understand the difference in our circumstance as father/daughter is a lot different than husband/wife.

I hope you will be abl to cope, RTs assured this forum is the best place to be when you are a carer. I will always be thankful I could select carer when I came here as dad wouldn't have joined himself.

Your Dad is a extremely luck man...................good job.........😉

 

[cakemaker]

Your husband really ought to be a little more proactive with his diabetes rather than expecting you to nurse him - it is not just about food, but about taking an active interest in your own health (sorry if that came across a little harsh! 🙂)

I agree and wish that he'd take a more positive approach. He seems to be angry and resentful and expects me to 'help' him and 'take an interest' in his diabetes.
We have had our share of problems and have dealt with them together playing our roles whether it's been the plumbing, kids illnesses, money etc and this time he expects my role to be research assitant, cook and nurse. What I think is that he wishes I could take it away. Sometimes when he's been really upset he's suggested that I've contributed by feeding him the wrong things.
That's true to some extent. For years we ran a B&B with evening meals. I always cooked too much so we ate the 'left overs'. We ate late, ate good but often quite rich foods, desserts, but lots of fruit and veg. I don't have any sign of diabetes, cholersterol or blood pressure problems so it can't all be down to diet so not really my fault.

He uses diabetes as an excuse to sometimes do less. For example, yesterday I was out all day with friends who are visiting. He played golf the other day so he excused himself saying that he was too tired and would just get more tired and stressed if he came. We had a good day, walked miles and I think it would have done him good. He didn't excuse himself though when we went out to eat last night!!

He wants me to help and encourage him to diet and execise but on his terms and when he feels like it.

He's a strong character and difficult to persuade even when I've told him straight that he won't live long if he continues to ignore the advice. At the moment he's not in bad health. The pills seem to be working. A few weeks ago he seemed to have a constant headache but that seems to have gone.
While he's well he's not interested in the diabetes although he has asked me to put him on a diet.

Today I picked up some Brioche for my guests and he had a dig at me saying was it worth buying as WE won't eat it when they've gone. What he was really saying was... 'I can't have it so you can't either'. He seems resentful of me and tries to deny me everything he's not allowed to eat. His idea of me helping him is that I must eat and do the same as him. That's ok for the most part and I will, but I don't think he should expect me to.

I have adapted our diet. I researched all the carb and calorific and GI values of nearly all the foods we eat. I formatted a food diary on a spread sheet to count all the carb. and cals. and to get an idea of what we were actually eating. It surprised me in some cases. I started to weigh foods to get an idea of eg. what 1/4 oz of porridge, pasta and rice looked like (not a lot!!).

We're going out again tonight so I'll be watching what he eats; probably seafood and fish with a glass of wine (not good!) but it makes him feel normal.

 

[Northerner]

It does rather sound as though he is in denial about his diabetes, or at least holding deep resentment for it The problem is that if you shut it away or hope that someone else will deal with it for you so you don't have to think about it then it can creep up on you and all of a sudden you find you have real problems that you can't escape from. Accepting it, and giving it a few minutes each day means it is much easier to deal with and without those shadows hanging over you.

It's natural to feel a little resentment that you might not be able to be as carefree and spontaneous as you used to be - I feel that way myself sometimes. From what you say about him blaming you in part because of the way you fed him, I'm afraid he needs to realise that no-one else is responsible for his health but him. I suppose, because I've always looked after myself, I find it hard to sympathise with people who feel that they can delegate responsibility to another person, be it spouse, child, parent etc. Diet alone does not cause diabetes, there needs to be a strong genetic link too - there are far more overweight people in the world than there are diabetics. It's a big risk factor but no adult can blame another because they didn't look after themselves properly. So don't you feel guilty! 🙂

 

[trophywench]

I am sympathetic to the anger and mood swings - I hope you make him test when he's feeling angry or being stroppy? - both signs of too high BGs LOL

Try and get him to redirect the anger AT the diabetes, not you, if he's angry with IT, then that could/might him a bit more determined to control IT whereas IT appears to be controlling HIM at the moment, would you agree?

I don't expect him to turn into Marco Pierre White overnight or anything daft like that, but what input does he have into your meals? Get him to tell you what he really really fancies to eat - then try and find a lower carb version of it. I can point you at some lovely, lovely low carb recipes (low cal some of em ain't so don't expect em all to be - but some of the things are real treats - eg treble choc chip muffins at 6g carbs each!)

He obviously likes fish, that's good - it's just the chips that are a problem, but there again oven chips are far less everything than 'normal' chips. And also batter - you can still have batter but it needs to be really thin so it doesn't a) hold lagoons of fat and b) overwhelm the fish. Sole Meuniere and a few new potatoes, lovely. In their skins, even better.

Protein fills you up and keeps you that way much longer than carbs. Omelettes for breakfast. Had a friend who used to have a strawberry om every other day when she was preg in the latter stages where BGs go utterly berserk and if she touched more than a few grams of carbs first thing, she'd hit the 20's despite a tankerful of insulin. I know he ain't preg LOL. Just using that as an example!

What sort of stuff does he like?

 

[Robster65]

It does sound like he's taking the "I don't want it, so I'm going to sulk and hit out at you and everyone else until I get my way like a big kid" option.

Not unusual but not really acceptable to you and not going to help him to improve his health.

Has he got a DSN (diabetes specialist nurse) he can talk to? They are pretty good at finding ways of getting through to anyone who may not be approaching their diabetes in the best way. It may be that he needs to be told the potential consequences of not looking HIMSELF and taking repsonsibility for HIS diabetes, even though you are currently doing it because you love him. A big difference between you choosing to do it and having to do it because he won't.

I hope he comes round to the idea soon.🙂

Rob

 

[cakemaker]

Thanks for all your replies.
Some really good suggestions and advice.
I'm just off to bed so will re-read more tomorrow.

 

[cakemaker]

I just spent an hour or more (I'm not very fast at typing) replying to all your replies and I lost it because I clicked on the next page before posting!!!
I apologise for not answering all your replies earlier but I've had a hectic few weeks and although I've gone on this site to read things and post a couple of recipes I haven't had much time to reply fully.
I shall try to re-cap briefly........

I wanted to commend Pippin as one of the most selfless people I know of. My daughter loves her Dad but I doubt that she could ever do what you do.

Trophywench, I just want to say that no my husband is no Marco Pierrre White but we are very well aquainted with Raymond Blanc's brasserie and tea shop in Chichester and Marco has just opened up there so we hope to be equally aquainted with it, along with Carlucci.

Robster, Our GP has not yet refered my husband to a diabetic clinic but perhaps he needs to. We don't know what help and support is out there.
All our GP gave was a sheet with what to eat and what not to eat and said exercise and diet.