Help

[KK3]

Hello,

I'm a partner. My husband is a 60 y/o T2 with heart complications who has resolutely done no exercise or adjusted his eating. He now has lower leg nerve damage ( increasingly unable to walk), and the scary ( unapproachable) man who will not talk about this at all is sinking into a black depression.

Anything I try or suggest ( let's go for a walk together occasionally, let's go a week without bread) falls flat after a few days.

This last week, I've been suggesting (!) he shower in the morning. Last night, I could stand it no longer - and asked what's wrong? ( instead of screaming you nasty old git what gives insert expletives). He said ' I can't stand in the shower and I'm too dizzy.'

I could go on. Point is, now I'm scared and very sad. How do I deal with this?

 

[Northerner]

Hi KK3, welcome to the forum. Very sorry to hear about your partner's problems Diabetes, particularly when poorly controlled, can have a significant effect on mood levels, unfortunately, so in addition to the physical problems it can cause it cruelly gives you an extra kick to make you feel even worse

How long has he been diagnosed, and is he on any medication? What sort of things does he like to eat? Does he attend his appointments regularly, or does he avoid them? Denial is also very common, and not something to be ashamed of. Is there any possibility you could persuade him to go to an appointment where you could both discuss the situation with a doctor? It can take a massive effort to turn things around, but the rewards of achieving good control are well worth it, it just needs that spark of desire and belief that things can get better to start the drive forward and pull himself out of this pit he appears to have fallen into.

You might like to speak to someone on the Diabetes UK Helpline - they may be able to offer suggestions for sources of help in addition to this forum. They can be contacted at:

https://www.diabetes.org.uk/helpline

 

[Ditto]

Hello KK and welcome to the forum.

I have similar problems with Mum, but hers is early Dementia. I've given up trying to get her to go round the block, now she's mainly just sitting all day watching telly. It's a chore for us to shower her even once a week, really takes it out of both of us but at least she's willing, just very tired at 83. She can be terrible me me me (that's where I must get it from!) and a bit mard. I did used to make her go out but after a few tantrums in the street I couldn't take any more. Now of course she's seizing up because of not moving. It's use it or lose it basically. It must be very difficult for you, don't you get any help at all? Carers coming in or anything just for the shower? If you tell your doc about hubby's dizzy spells they may offer help, but would he accept it?

 

[KK3]

Hi Northerner,

Thank you. He was diagnosed years ago- maybe 8-10 years? We lived separately for some years, so when you use the word 'denial' I'm guilty - if that's the word - as well. The state of communication is such that he has shut down so every suggestion I make becomes tokenist at best. You suggesting I accompany him to appointments has stiffened my resolve to insist on going to the next one - which is to discuss his liver- which is compromised. So thank you.

I will now have to become fully informed. Because as you say, it is possible to turn this around- I'll have to know my stuff to convince him of that. To that end I will speak to someone on the help line.

What does he eat? Everything he shouldn't at the wrong possible time and always has. His internal ( arrogant?) logic being that's what I've always done, why should I change - it'll do me no good anyway. To illustrate; this is the man who after evening meal at 7, snacks afterwards, gives me grief at 11pm when there's no ice cream in the freezer.

I'll call the helpline.

 

[grovesy]

Welcome.
Good luck.

 

[KK3]

Hello KK and welcome to the forum.

I have similar problems with Mum, but hers is early Dementia. I've given up trying to get her to go round the block, now she's mainly just sitting all day watching telly. It's a chore for us to shower her even once a week, really takes it out of both of us but at least she's willing, just very tired at 83. She can be terrible me me me (that's where I must get it from!) and a bit mard. I did used to make her go out but after a few tantrums in the street I couldn't take any more. Now of course she's seizing up because of not moving. It's use it or lose it basically. It must be very difficult for you, don't you get any help at all? Carers coming in or anything just for the shower? If you tell your doc about hubby's dizzy spells they may offer help, but would he accept it?

Hi Ditto,

It is so good to talk about this! Like opening the windows after years of stale silence. From another perspective, I understand about your Mum. I looked after his parents for years, and - irony of ironies - he owns a residential care home.

Don't you want to just remove the tv? No - it's a lifeline- but - imagine. How different life could be without it? You're a hero for what you do. It's gruelling. Does your Mum have friends able to visit? Or would she attend church? ( I'm not religious, but as long as there's no kneeling it's human company at least?)

As to showering - it's the hardest one. What should be a daily pleasure becomes a battleground fraught with peril. For me, it hurts to think this man, whose supposed to be my mate- we're similar ages - is close to living like his parents before his time. Thank you for hi lighting that I should mention the shower issue at the doctors. You're right. It's obvious. But I've become accustomed to not speaking about this stuff. My husbands become the elephant in the room.

And Atkins? Well, yes, but his liver may not be able to process the extra protein. And he does no exercise.

 

[Ditto]

I have a dicky liver but I'm okay on Atkins as far as I know. I had the liver before the Atkins I'm thinking. I lost stones on SlimFast but ended up with a dicky liver! I do eat far too much butter though, Dr Atkins says 'sensible use of butter.' I was never sensible.

Do you have a wet room? We have a charity around here, One Stop, and they put in a wet room for Mum which makes it a lot easier. There was no way she was getting in the bath. I also have lots of aids for her off them, walkers, wheelchair etc. They're very good. You have to ask around and see what help is available.

I'd never get rid of the telly! We've both got square eyes! Mum has trouble even getting down one step now, so we managed to get her in the garden yesterday for some Vitamin D and read all day until teatime and then the telly went on for certain programmes only, nothing upsetting, we're watching All Creatures Great And Small again, for the umpteenth time, but it's all good. I watch Dr Who and Big Brother and stuff like that, but get up early and watch them on my own in Mum's recliner chilling before she gets up and I have to rally and get her breakfast and stuff. 🙂

I did once take her to church down the road, in her wheelchair, but I'm out on Sundays at my daughters. I'd happily go to church every week and used to, being brought up RC, but now I'm just a Christian, any church will do, I'm not fussy. 🙂 There just isn't the opportunity at the minute, I kneel but Mum sits. She can't manoeuvre much at all now. We have to manhandle her all over the place. Friday is a big day, it's the weekly shampoo and set but my brother will push her over in the wheelchair because today I go to my sons. We have a routine in place. I think you need a routine to know what's what or you'd go bonkers. Also you can't force people to look after themselves, if you're hubby won't then on his own head be it, you'll have done your best.

The one thing Mum doesn't have as far as I know is the D! She eats a high carb diet, but has always eaten in moderation, never ever overeats, savours her meals and I wish I was like her. Takes her forever to finish a meal, she was known for it in restaurants, we'd all get fed-up waiting for her. Her addiction was the demon drink and she was a nasty drunk, but thanks to Warfarin years ago she never took another sup, praise the Lord! I couldn't live here if she still drank.

I'm so surprised he owns a care home, he should be aware then how quickly you can deteriorate if not looking after yourself. He could end up in there himself!