Frustrated Spouse of Diabetic Type 2

[Barb1964]

Hi there - new to the site and have been trawling through the internet today looking for inspiration and any guidance/help. Married for 30 years to Diabetic Type 2 diagnosed 7 ish years ago. After being in complete denial up to around 18 months ago, he now finds himself in the situation where he has had 3 operations on his foot. Still not healing so they're looking to do another angio and put him on temporary insulin to bring down sugar levels (latest result 9.1). Although his eating habits have improved massively, he continues to drink cider every night and does absolutely no exercise, preferring to sit down all day on the computer. He doesn't work and will not speak to doctor about the possibility of depression. I have two children - one will be going to Uni end of September, the other is 12. I am absolutely at my wits end trying to get him to lose weight, take exercise and take more responsibility for this bloody awful disease other than taking his medication at the right time. My family say he's bringing me down and I should leave him before he's in a wheelchair . Aside from the fact that he's been impotent for two years or so and avoids all intimacy, I do care about him a great deal. I'd love to hear from anyone with suggestions/thoughts or ideas - I've offered gym membership, dog walking, buying gym equipment for home, talk to doctor, weight loss club but everything is met with a stone wall. I got an exercise bike which I think he's used twice during the last six months. The kids sense my anger and have lately been making openly disparaging remarks about him - I don't want this to escalate out of hand but it's getting to the stage where I need to do something. I'm wondering whether the shock of me and kids leaving will actually get some results? Thanks for listening - end of rant now.

 

[Northerner]

Hi Barb, welcome to the forum 🙂 Very sorry to hear that your husband is refusing to take responsibility for his health Things could really improve so much for all of you if he would just make a few small changes, just little improvements each day. An unfortunate side-effect of poorly controlled blood glucose levels is that it can affect your mood adversely, so it can become a bit of a vicious circle. Does he know anyone else with diabetes? Sometimes just being able to talk things over with someone who understands can help a great deal. The cider drinking will also be contributing to his poor moods and he will find difficulty losing weight if he continues drinking regularly. It certainly sounds as though he may be depressed.

Does he have any friends who might be able to persuade him to take up some exercise?

 

[Redkite]

Hi Barb and welcome. Sorry to hear what a difficult time you are having. To be honest it's in your husband's hands - he has to *want* to improve his health, you can't do this for him. All you can do is buy good self-help books, offer to go out walking together etc., and show some solidarity on the diet front, so he's not feeling as though he's the only one missing out on treats. Poorly controlled diabetes can lead to impotence, but there are treatments available if he is willing to speak to his GP.

Would you and your husband consider marriage/relationship counselling? I feel sad for you because your husband's diabetes and depression is impacting on you and the whole family, but I know from my own experience that splitting up is heartbreaking (my husband upped and left 2 years ago after a period of depression about the direction his life was taking, and always refused to seek help for the depression). Hope you can find a way through.....

 

[LeeLee]

Hello Barb, welcome. Sorry you're in such a difficult situation. Unfortunately, you can't force your husband to deal with this.

Is the GP aware of the situation re: the depression, lack of exercise and alcohol? You could make an appointment to see the doc yourself to discuss the problems. Patient confidentiality will mean that the doctor won't be able to talk to you about your husband, but there's nothing to stop you telling him the whole story in confidence.

 

[HOBIE]

Hi Barb, Hope you get this sorted. Doing something regular like getting the paper or milk etc is a start. I have just come from a Duk meeting & a nice lady was giving us a talk about Eyes. Was good reminder about what can happen if you dont take care. Have a look on Duk web site for a group near you & talking to others may help him get sorted. I would give my right arm to be able or to have my pancreas half or a bit working. Good luck 🙂

 

[cakemaker]

Hi Barb,
So sorry that you're in this situation.
I was in a similar situation to you but it has improved greatly and this forum certainly has helped.
My husband still refuses to come here himself but I'm always quoting things to him about what other members are going through and telling him what advice is being given.
A lot of what I tell him is the same as what I'd alreay told him before but he used to get quite sarcastic and say 'what do you know, you're not diabetic' now I'm able to say 'no, but someone who is has just adviced this etc.'

My husband wasn't depressed but he used to get so angry and have terrible mood swings. The doctor said that he was diabetic for several years before he was put on medication and during that time he could be horrible and many times I thought about leaving and even threatened it. The medication has helped a lot.

Could you get away for a few days with your 12yr old during the school holidays? Perhaps stay with a friend or family member. It's not like you're leaving, just giving you and your child a break. Perhaps your older child could go off for a while with friends. It may make your husband realise how much you mean to him.

It's really hard dealing with someone who is depressed especially when you love them. Telling yourself to be strong and ignore the hurtful things they say and do takes a lot of courage but this is the time when they really need you although they won't admit it.

You can always come here and rant if it makes you feel better.

 

[moonymama]

mmm tricky one this......

i have only just come to terms with the fact i have diabetes and done something about it....now that im on my own, and no daughters here to help me,,,i have really struggled to manage on my own...believe you me if he doesnt want to deal with it, nothing will make him. your head just sort of goes to another place, even operations and stuff....u just sort of ignore it...sorry its hard to explain.....im so so sorry for you in your situation...but if nothing else is working you may have to be cruel to be kind😱 maybe questions to ask yourself...do you cook for him, take care of him, who does the shopping, the washing, etc..if the answer is you you you,,,then that may be something to think about...and who gets his cider for him? i know it sounds awful and cruel but honest and truthfully my kids not being here was definitly the kick up the butt i needed, as it was just too hard to manage on my own in the state i was in....and now i have been the docs and diabetes nurse etc,,,you know wot..i now have hope!!! it may be a case of short term escape via cider rather than long term results....he may not have the energy to face this disease on his own..or so he thinks...but having to cope on his own is a very big...VERY BIG eyeopener.....u remember to look after yourself and your kids...your child doesnt want to be worrying while at uni....repercussions....please please look after yourself x

 

[jalapino]

i have only just come to terms with the fact i have diabetes and done something about it....now that im on my own, and no daughters here to help me,,,i have really struggled to manage on my own...believe you me if he doesnt want to deal with it, nothing will make him. your head just sort of goes to another place, even operations and stuff....u just sort of ignore it...sorry its hard to explain.....im so so sorry for you in your situation...but if nothing else is working you may have to be cruel to be kind😱 maybe questions to ask yourself...do you cook for him, take care of him, who does the shopping, the washing, etc..if the answer is you you you,,,then that may be something to think about...and who gets his cider for him? i know it sounds awful and cruel but honest and truthfully my kids not being here was definitly the kick up the butt i needed, as it was just too hard to manage on my own in the state i was in....and now i have been the docs and diabetes nurse etc,,,you know wot..i now have hope!!! it may be a case of short term escape via cider rather than long term results....he may not have the energy to face this disease on his own..or so he thinks...but having to cope on his own is a very big...VERY BIG eyeopener.....u remember to look after yourself and your kids...your child doesnt want to be worrying while at uni....repercussions....please please look after yourself x

Very wise words and everything you say I agree with, I think you do have to be cruel to be kind in a case like this, the drinking is not a good thing at all, not every night! and how much is he drinking? the thing is drinking every night over the guidelines is an alcoholic and that would surely be the first thing to tackle as this effects everything in life and your body and mind.....I really feel for you, but i personally think if he is clear from the cider maybe he would see clearly what he is doing to himself and you, when he drinks he thinks nothing is wrong or it goes away, i would also see how he would react to not drinking for 2 weeks, if he cannot then he needs to see someone.
Take of your self and please keep in contact for support.

 

[Andrew]

Bottom line

Look after you and the kids first

Shock treatment some times works

Denial is a deep pit

it does need a major kick to get in gear. if the opps have not been a big enough kick. ??? I have been in dinial to start with I just did not like the idea of loosing a bit of me -- I drank nothing but water for a month and stuck to a tight GI diet. it worked

Hi there - new to the site and have been trawling through the internet today looking for inspiration and any guidance/help. Married for 30 years to Diabetic Type 2 diagnosed 7 ish years ago. After being in complete denial up to around 18 months ago, he now finds himself in the situation where he has had 3 operations on his foot. Still not healing so they're looking to do another angio and put him on temporary insulin to bring down sugar levels (latest result 9.1). Although his eating habits have improved massively, he continues to drink cider every night and does absolutely no exercise, preferring to sit down all day on the computer. He doesn't work and will not speak to doctor about the possibility of depression. I have two children - one will be going to Uni end of September, the other is 12. I am absolutely at my wits end trying to get him to lose weight, take exercise and take more responsibility for this bloody awful disease other than taking his medication at the right time. My family say he's bringing me down and I should leave him before he's in a wheelchair . Aside from the fact that he's been impotent for two years or so and avoids all intimacy, I do care about him a great deal. I'd love to hear from anyone with suggestions/thoughts or ideas - I've offered gym membership, dog walking, buying gym equipment for home, talk to doctor, weight loss club but everything is met with a stone wall. I got an exercise bike which I think he's used twice during the last six months. The kids sense my anger and have lately been making openly disparaging remarks about him - I don't want this to escalate out of hand but it's getting to the stage where I need to do something. I'm wondering whether the shock of me and kids leaving will actually get some results? Thanks for listening - end of rant now.