Family chat?

[LadyAnon]

Hello!

After a… difficult evening (who am I kidding, week) I thought I’d see what was out there for family members of people with diabetes.
My mum was diagnosed a few years ago and has really struggled to stabilise. There are a few factors at play that influence this including life long body weight and body image issues, undiagnosed mental health concerns and hating doctors, hospitals, needles etc.

I’m not surprised about disliking doctors because she has been continuent treated badly and judgementally by fat-phobic health care professionals. The difficulty is that it leads her to avoid engaging, with health checks, eye tests etc. Whilst also embarking on crash diets (egg, grapefruits, cabbage soup, flat stomach…) or avoiding meals.

It feels like every day of my life some mention of ‘I’ve got to lose weight’ or ‘we’re going on a diet tomorrow’, ‘you’ve got to help me lose weight’ etc has been chanted and it’s had quiet an effect on my relationship with food and body. I am having therapy but it’s hard not to lose patience sometimes.

Frankly, she’s been an absolute nightmare today. Moody, rude, spiteful, grumpy. She fell asleep on the sofa and then later on the bed. And I think it is possibly influenced by food intake. She’s gone to bed without eating dinner because I got to the end of my tether with her being horrible about everything. I don’t think she had any lunch and I can’t be sure about breakfast but she’s been not having any a few days a week at least.

She will have eaten over the day. A bowl of crisps with a gin and tonic this evening. Possibly a banana sandwich or some biscuits with tea. Picking at stuff and snacky things.

i don’t really know what I’m hoping from this.

Are there any threads that are in particular from family/friends POV or helping people help themselves? Maybe that’s not quite the right language but I hope someone knows what I mean.

I know that it’s hard, and has a much wider impact for some than just physical health. She’s thinks she has lost some sensation in her toes and that’s worrying her. And it’s worrying me and my Dad. I don’t want her to have more complications to her health than there already are, I don’t want her to die earlier than she could have. I’d rather she was happy and managing this better.
But also. She’s being a really horrible person right now.

Has this been part of the experience for anyone else? Either living with someone or being aware that you were not very nice to live with sometimes?

thank you for reading, apologise for the length!
LA

 

[rebrascora]

Hi LA and welcome

My heart goes out to you and your Mum... and Dad. It is a horrible situation you are in. Diabetes can be a real pain to live with both for the person concerned and their nearest and dearest and eating disorders are common in people with the big D. I was a sugar addict and comfort eater pre diagnosis. Thankfully I was able to use the feelings of guilt and embarrassment and remorse at my diagnosis to motivate myself to go cold turkey to a large extent, to try to reverse it. Sadly I failed to overturn my diagnosis because it turned out I was actually Type 1 and now inject insulin, but having cracked my habit in those first few weeks I knew I had to continue with my low carb diet as it significantly reduces any cravings and therefore helps me control my disordered eating to a greater extent. I still binge occasionally, but I binge on low carb foods like olives and pickles and cheese rather than the sweets and chocolate I used to eat in rather shocking quantities! The thing is that your Mum needs to want to change things and whilst you can support her in any changes and we can support you both, she has to embrace acceptance of her diagnosis to move forward and it sounds like she is still struggling to face up to it.

Unfortunately having high BG (Blood Glucose) levels can make you irrational, emotional and difficult.... and sleepy. Low levels can do some of that to you too but my guess would be that her levels are high at the moment. Does she have a BG meter to test her levels at home? If so, do you know what sort of readings she is getting?

Can you tell us a bit more about her diabetes and what if any medication she has to help manage it? Is she Type 1 or Type 2 or some other less common variant? Do you know her most recent HbA1c result.... Usually a number of 48 or over? Does she understand what diabetes is and how it can affect her... the tingling toes are a concern but sometimes gaining control of your levels if they are high can reverse early stage damage, so it is not too late to take action but burying her head in the sand is not an option. Feet and eyesight are too precious.

Can you choose a good day when she is in a better mood to sit down and tell her how much you love her and want to help her and that you are frightened you might lose her. Chances are she is frightened too but she can't keep ignoring it. If she doesn't have a BG meter then perhaps getting one so that she can see what the food she is eating is doing to her levels might help. We recommend using one to identify the foods which cause you problems and those you can get away with and using the results it shows you to make informed choices and tailor your diet to your tastes and body's tolerance which can be quite individual.

We have members here who have made inspirational transformations in terms of both weight loss and diabetes management and who feel great but their diabetes diagnosis was the kick up the backside they needed to get their act together. Knowledge is also vital. Understanding that all carbs are the problem as often the NHS dietary advice is not ideal for Type 2 diabetics, recommending wholemeal bread and pasta and plenty of fruit and low fat can all be problematic and our BG meters will show us that quite regularly.

The other option is a short tern, very low calorie diet to try to reset the body's metabolism and get it to burn off visceral fat. The NHS can now actually prescribe this regime which involves shakes and meal replacements. This is based on the Newcastle diet or Fast 800. The key is that you need to find a way to keep the weight off once you lose it.

Anyway, I have waffled on quite enough for one post and I need to press the send button and head off to bed, but just wanted to reach out to you and offer some support, sympathy for your very difficult situation and virtual (((HUGS))) If there is anything we can do to help you with or you need more information on, please ask.

I appreciate you say that she is not eating regular meals. This in itself is not necessarily a problem unless she is on a mixed insulin but what she is eating clearly is a problem. Not sure if you are aware but it is all carbohydrates, not just sugar which are a problem for us diabetics to metabolize. So the crisps are carbs and the banana is one of the highest carb fruits and the bread is carbs so a banana sandwich is a double whammy. Oddly the G&T (assuming it is a slimline tonic) is the only thing you have mentioned which is unlikely to cause her BG upheaval but it will not help her emotional state and obviously it is empty calories which add to any weight issue

 

[Docb]

Hi @LadyAnon and welcome to the forum. Only somebody who has to cope with the situation you are in can begin to understand the frustration you feel. There are several of us on the forum who can. Finding a way forward is very difficult.

Some practical things. Does your mum need somebody around all the time to support her? Very simply, if neither you or your dad were there, could she cope with everyday living. If the answer is no, then you or your dad would be classed as her carer and entitled to support from carer services. Thanks to successive Tory government cuts, carer support is very hit and miss, it depends on your County Council, but it is well worth exploring. If nothing else, you might find somebody to talk to who understands the position you are in.

Do you live with your Mum and Dad and how is your Dad coping?

Those are my initial reactions to your post. Feel free to vent your frustrations on here, we work hard not to be judgemental and hopefully we can help you to work out some strategies that might help.

 

[everydayupsanddowns]

Oh @LadyAnon! This sounds so difficult for you all.

We do have family members, spouses, partners, siblings, parents and sometimes even teachers arriving on the forum, who are bewildered, and just don’t know how best to support the person with diabetes that they love.

It can be really hard to know what to do for the best, and how to offer helpful support, but you clearly care a lot and are worried about what the future may hold. It does sound like your Mum is struggling, and high or erratic BGs can have a direct effect on mood. Not eating well can also make you feel down, lethargic and generally ill, but it’s a vicious cycle, because low mood and depression (which is another risk for people living with diabetes) makes it harder to feel motivated to cook and eat peoperly.

There is also a significant mental burden of living with a long term condition, and it sounds like that is compounded by some difficulties in the relationships with your Mum’s healthcare professionals which can’t be helping

You might find some useful pointers on this ‘diabetes etiquette’ card

http://behavioraldiabetes.org/xwp/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/BDIAdultEtiquetteCard.pdf

And also perhaps get a better understanding of diabetes with either of these resources which are often recommended on the forum: Maggie Davey’s Letter and Gretchen Becker’s book T2 Diabetes, the first year

Keep asking questions, venting, ranting, sharing and reaching out here too.

We are here for you, and want to help you all.

 

[SB2015]

I am so glad that you have joined the forum @LadyAnon

What a difficult situation for you all. I know that having not been in your position I will not understand the complexities of what you are dealing with. You have already had very useful practical suggestions, so I will just encourage you to keep in touch and fire away with any questions that you have.

We at all here for you.

 

[LadyAnon]

Oh gang! I can't tell you how brilliant it is to see people respond - it's a huge relief to have shared and to see that it's not uncommon.
I've had a few busy days but will be taking the time this evening to go through everything shared and responding accordingly.

Thank you for your kindness already ^_^

 

[rebrascora]

Don't feel you have to respond to everyone individually unless you want to or feel there is something specific that you want to address, but we will all get notification when you reply to the thread, and we can all then read what you write so just an open response to all is fine and less onerous for you.
Hope things are a little better between you and your Mum or that we can somehow find a way to help you. X