• Please Remember: Members are only permitted to share their own experiences. Members are not qualified to give medical advice. Additionally, everyone manages their health differently. Please be respectful of other people's opinions about their own diabetes management.
  • Screening for type 1 diabetes: We now have a new forum section which is for parents who, after having their child screened for type 1, have received a positive result that at some stage their child will be diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. Where possible, please do offer your support and experiences of having a child diagnosed. https://forum.diabetes.org.uk/boards/forums/screening-for-type-1-community-chat.59/
  • We seem to be having technical difficulties with new user accounts. If you are trying to register please check your Spam or Junk folder for your confirmation email. If you still haven't received a confirmation email, please reach out to our support inbox: support.forum@diabetes.org.uk

Educational Welfare Officer

Status
This thread is now closed. Please contact Anna DUK, Ieva DUK or everydayupsanddowns if you would like it re-opened.
MeanMom

MeanMom

Well-Known Member
Relationship to Diabetes
Parent of person with diabetes
Have just had copy of letter that K's school sent to Educational Welfare Officer, and am trying very hard not to get cross/upset and send an email I may regret, so am going to offload here (again) - with apologies:(

School phoned me in earlier this week to discuss K's 'problem' and lack of attendance, as it is now less than 50% since Sept and was less than the required 85% last school year. We agreed that K needs help of CAMHA (which I have been saying since late Sept) and that if referred to EWO K's doc more likely to make the referral, which doc did on Tuesday. At last.

The copy form has upset me as the school has put they have concerns about her home invironment as 'Mother is struggling to cope' like it's my fault K won't go to school. It is , in a way, because it is my fault she is overly dependent on me as I have always been the one who has dealt with her care, all her life. I have never left her with a babysitter overnight (not even family) but I did this because I had no reason to, not because she refused to leave me. She always went to school with no fuss when she was little, so I never had any problem with separation anxiety till she became I'll.

Since her illness and the family losses she has also experienced she has lost all her confidence and self worth.

But I would like to see how anyone could 'cope' with a child almost as tall and heavy as themselves refusing to dress throwing all her clothes around the room and screaming. Or digging their fingernAils into their own arms. If anybody could cope with that every single day then I wish they would come and do so, because I give up. I can't spend everyday arguing for hours on end and I certainly can't force a 12 year old to get dressed. And I've tried.
 
It seems you are having a hard time of it.....................

What will come of this 'copy form' the school have drew up............?
 
Awwwww {{{Hugs}}}

Absolutely nothing should come of it in terms of 'bad' because MM you will tell these people - CAMHA or whoever deals with it - exactly what you have told us. In fact print out what you said above.

Sitting completely on the outside I can see both POV's.

As a grandparent (I have adult step-children) and dealing with toddlers for the first time for long periods, I can tell you I am incapable of getting a 3 year old to do what she doesn't want to. And having an 18 year old girl bigger than me and 20x physically stronger screaming obscenities at her boyfriend across my front garden at 01.00 hours was quite a lot worse. None of this was my fault in any way whatsoever.

And this with your daughter isn't your fault either.

Perhaps, you know, when your daughter is asked to explain behaviour or 'failures' etc, or comments at school, or even the mere inference that Teacher A might be going to discuss her with Teacher B - she infers in some way that you may be partially to blame. She may even say that it is you that causes some of her behaviour, since she has no other explanation, poor thing. Now don't go mad at me, I'm by no means suggesting she's a liar. What ordinary people without MH probs do not understand (and that's not a criticism, it's a statement) is that MH probs very often completely distort a person's perception of people generally - including themselves.

I have absolutely no idea whatever how these services work for kids, although I know one of our other grandkids had to go and see somebody once - but her single mother? - not offered any help whatever and although she has been under Psychiatric services for many years anyway, the kids service round here don't seem to communicate with the adult services, because it's a different hospital trust and it's all confiential. Utter madness .....

What counselling are YOU having?

Whre's YOUR support network?
 
Last edited:
trophywench said:
Awwwww {{{Hugs}}}



Whre's YOUR support network?
Click to expand...

This was my first thought too. Don't be scare to ask for help but most of all be honest with the authorities to ensure you get the right help.


Hope it all works out well.
 
It may also be written to show that you have no support, in order to highlight the fact. No idea of course whether they're fully aware of your home situation, but it could be supportive.

ie. Mum struggling to cope (because she has been offered no support) so the authorities need to review this and put something in place to help you.

If you could arrange a meeting to clarify the true meaning of the report, you may be able to get something positive from it. 🙂

Rob
 
You can't make them get dressed - I've tried too - mine is 14 and about 3 inches taller than me. Her attendance was 60% during the last school year. Most of this was due to control/illness but there were definitely many days in there due to her refusing to go to school or being so down I was actually scared to let her go in case she did something stupid. Kate was referred to CAMHS (i presume that is the same as CAMHA) and it really helped. Like you say - I'd like to see anyone try and cope with a hormonal, depressed, diabetic teenager - not much fun at all! Sending you love and hugs, sounds like you definitely need them xx
 
LOL - actually got a lot more probs with the knocking 40, hormonal step-daughter at the mo! Whole different story, ROFL

I keep tellin meself it'll get better ...............

Gotta just keep grinning mate! - but sometimes that does me a disservice, sometimes it's better to go to your GP and cry. Then you sometimes get help ......
 
i really feel sorry for you and dont think even 1 minutes that is your fault when graham does not want do something i cannot move it and is only 7 and is tall like me ( i am really short) but is srtong as well. There is anything that maybe with your husbund can you say together and make her understand that the welfare officer thinks that is the parents problems and maybe she will think twice to behave like that again ? i hope i dont have to have a problem like that when graham will be a teenager i hope all of you will have some sort of counselling and help
 
Tried to write a longer reply but couldn't manage it- but will try tomorrow

Just wanted to say thanks for the support

THIS is my support network x
 
I've written this type of report in my previous life. I don't think that saying that you are 'struggling to cope' is necessarily judgemental. It seems from what you say to have some truth, that's why both of you need help.
From the school's point of view they want to help your daughter get the most from her education, and that is their primary responsibility. I'm sure though, that most teachers/EWOs recognise that any intervention/help needs to involve the whole family.
Don't think of them as the enemy, most of my former colleagues have had families of their own and realise that things aren't always easy, they want to help, that's why they went into the job.
Another factor is that help available is rationed (money), you have to show it's really needed, that's one factor that may result in reports being written in 'stong' terms.
 
i had to meet EWO with my son ...not diabetic but asthmatic...i had full backing from my GP who wrote letters ...also his year leader was very supportive becase when he was in school his work was excellant ...I explained to EWO how we 'managed' the condition and thats why he was in school as much as he could be ..in his final year before GCSE he broke his hand and had trauma and missed 10 weeks of autumn term his attendance was down to 40 % but he still got A* with 13 GCSES
be strong its not a reflection on you ...its just the school having to do this proceedure cos of statistics ...
try and get them to suggest ways of assisting with the situation ....
good luck x
 
I can truly empathise with you. My son was diagnosed last December (days before he turned 16) and he had massive anxiety problems about going to school over the next term. This, from my confident, outgoing, full of life 16 year old. All of a sudden he was a withdrawn wreck. We had been a family who always prided ourselves on school and work attendance, having to truly be at death's door to have a day off, so to see on his first 6 week report of the new year that he had had 22 absences, I felt awful.

However, how could I get a 6'2" solid lad out of the house if he refused to go? He became a blubbing wreck. I would pretend everything was fine, carry on as normal getting my jobs done in the morning, then he would start going up and down to the toilet every 5 minutes, avoiding going near the front door. Time would be ticking on, and in the end I would find myself saying 'You need to be leaving now'. Up to the toilet he would go again, then head for the front door, back to the toilet, head for the door again then turn back and break down in my arms. So very hard. I struggled to maintain my composure (and didn't succeed a couple of times) as I felt I had to pretend everything was 'normal' just to get him to go. Some days he would leave, then invariably return a few minutes later.

We, like you, never really left him or his sister with anyone when they were young, family are quite a distance away and we were happy and content being a little family at home together. I don't think there's anything wrong with that whatsoever. I think any family would close ranks when something like T1 strikes anyway. It's a massive thing for all the family to take onboard. People on the outside, though polite, don't always want to hear every little thing about it (though I bore them to tears on a daily basis lol), and certainly can't truly grasp the full depth of it unless they are living with it day in and day out.

Luckily for us the school nurse was wonderful. I rang the school on a daily basis to let them know each day if he was going or not (and several days they sent him home too) and she realised things were not good, so she rang his DSN who in turn got hold of the psychologist on the team. He was seen privately at school (his choice - she could have come to our home, the hospital or school, it was up to him to decide) and luckily very quickly it all settled down.

Though we get letters following every hospital clinic appointment, there was no feedback at all from the psychologist, but I accept that, that was private between him and her. I am just so pleased they ironed things out.

Don't get me wrong, it's not all plain sailing, we have other issues now (in denial basically, though he beginning to show signs of improving a bit) but school and going out have now become not a problem for him. This term so far he has gone every single day, just leaving early one day for clinic :D

I haven't gone into full details about all the goings on, but it was a damn struggle to get him to go for a while, and what can you do??? You feel completely helpless. You can't physically drag them and throw them outside the front door. Even if you did there's no guarantee they would actually go to school. It is hard for you too in the early days to trust that everything will be ok when they are out of your sight and control, and if they too feel that anxiety, though I am sure even stronger for them, of course they are not going to want to be away from their comfort zone. Have you ever asked her what she fears? Is she being teased, does she feel the odd one out, is it a fear of hypos maybe? Part of my son's problem I think was that when he went back to school at first, he hadn't experienced a hypo. I think we were all expecting him to collapse with no warning, and it would be a 999 job. Once he had his first couple, though not pleasant, I think that relaxed him a little too. I still see now though that if he is due to go somewhere different or with a different group of people, he will purposely 'forget' his mealtime insulin to avoid the chance of going low.

I agree with others though, though the comment on the form isn't nice (and I would take it personally too) I am sure it's only to carry weight that you need some support/help/advice. I do feel us parents could also seriously benefit from some counselling. As the children get older, you get less and less involved - even at clinic now they suggest my son goes in alone, which he did last time, so we didn't even get the benefit of hearing what was said, or the chance to ask any questions. Of course he wouldn't tell us much, so we are pretty much in the dark.

Sorry, this turned into a bit of an essay! Just to say thinking of you, keep your chin up, hopefully now you will get some serious help and back up and you and your daughter can begin to get some of these issues resolved.
 
Just to say thanks for the support and an update🙂

K has not been to school all last week, or today. She really tried this morning but she is so scared something bad is going to happen to her at school without me, bless. No screaming etc because Ive just decided I'm not going to go on about it for more than 5 mins, and no shouting on my part as it just makes it worse.

Doctor has just phoned to tell me she spoke to L_ last Tuesday:confused: and she will see K at clinic on 21st December. L_ is councellor K sees at clinic anyway and she usually only has 15 mins with her but we shall have to wait and see. Doc says that can't do anymore and K should carry on with school councellor in meantime. Not much use if she can't/won't go to school, but the ball has been put back in my and her Dads court re that - Spose it's up to us anyway. Am hopefull she will go on Wednesday (if not tomorrow) as my Mum goes home tomorrow, so K will feel like I can give her my full attention again.

Thanks again for all the support xx
 
Just a thought, is there any way the school counsellor would consider coming to your home to see you and your daughter there? Maybe your daughter would talk privately to her, but within the comfort zone of her own home? I really don't know how involved the school would be prepared to get, but it might be worth a phone call to ask.
 
Fingers crossed for tomorrow meanmom xxxxx
 
Update from counselling session

Thanks all - just thought I'd give update as things looking a bit more positive🙂

Went to school with K for her counselling today and although I found out something that made me very cross, on the whole it went well.

Firstly the 'bad' thing; there is a girl in K's class called 'O' who K has previously told me about as having even more 'issues' than K though she doesn't really understand what they are. It seems O has discovered she has an extreme needle phobia and once tried to take Ks kit out of her bag to dispose of them or something. It has developed to the extent that K was injecting under the table , then she started waiting til sure girl was safely out of way. Came to a head when girl walked into room whilst k injecting, 'freaked' and stayed away from school the next day. Ks form tutor made her feel it was her fault and asked her to make sure she injected in the med room or that O was not around. Fair enough I suppose but K feels she cannot even mention her
diabetes incase this girl has a wobbly so therefore cannot ask for any help in
class if she feels unwell!
I feel this is part of the cause of Ks recent return of her fear of being unwell at school but she had not told me how bad it was other than in an offhand way which meant I did not realise how serious it was. Her coucellor was horrified, but head of house feels O will not get over it so K must work round it or change class which she doesn't want to do.
Otherwise (phew) quite positive, with K being allowed to skip Tech lessons and PE for a while (these are the lessons she gets anxious about) and use the time to catch up. Also that they will try to organise a Diabetes Group in a lunch time so that all the girls in the school can support each other. It is a big school and I think there are over a dozen girls there with D .

Think K will go to school for whole day tomorrow, fingers crossed.

Thanks for support x
 
And where is O receiving psychological help to get rid of her needle phobia?

It works both ways. They BOTH have to come half way to meet each other IMHO.
 
I'm really glad to hear something good has come out of it 🙂 I do understand that people have needle phobias, but she doesn't need to watch if K is discreet or gives a warning - O can look away or be out of the room. I know I don't know the full situation, but it sounds like the phobia is probably being reinforced by the solution that has been proposed, plus K is being made to feel bad about her diabetes when she shouldn't have to :(
 
Apart from which, k is performing a life-dependant procedure whereas o has an irrational fear.

Doesn't really stand up to scrutiny.

Rob
 
As a compromise, I'd advise O to check whether K is in a room and what she is doing before entering - a simple "OK to come in" from O would give K the chance to say "hang on a minute" if she were doing her injection.
 
Status
This thread is now closed. Please contact Anna DUK, Ieva DUK or everydayupsanddowns if you would like it re-opened.
Back
Top