Concerned about brother's partner

[southern nomad]

Hi there, I am new to your forum and would be really grateful for insight from anyone with experience in this area. My brother lives with a woman who has had type 1 diabetes for most of her life ( having first got type 2). They have been together for twenty years. I am worried that she may be 'using' her condition to prevent my brother from leaving her. She goes into insulin crisis a lot, especially when visiting my parents or when any of the family visit her. She is seemingly caught by surprise by her sugar levels, exceptionally when my Dad almost died of heart failure and she ended up in hospital at the same time. She never misses out on sweets though, going off to check her sugars quick as you like! Does anyone else have experience of someone apparently being so out of control of their diabetes after having lived with the condition for 30 years? To add to our concern, now she's retired and doing nothing at home, she's putting weight on (not that you could see). Her solution is to 'not eat'. Isn't that risky when you have type 1 diabetes? Her management approach doesn't make sense compared to other people I know who have type 2. She also seems unconcerned about the affect these awful blood sugar crises have on everyone, my brother especially, who feels guilty whenever he leaves her- even to go away for his job!
Can anyone give any advice?

 

[Northerner]

Hi, welcome to the forum 🙂 Just wondering what you mean by 'insulin crisis'? From what you have said it sounds like she is Type 2 now on insulin (you don't change types due to the introduction of insulin). It may be that she finds it difficult to balance her insulin doses with the carbohydrate she eats - it can be a very difficult and complex balancing act at times and not always easy to get it right, so it is quite possible that she finds it takes her by surprise at times. I wonder how much input she has from her healthcare team? Often, people who have been diagnosed a long time are assumed to 'know it all' so they aren't given the benefit of the latest education and thinking on diabetes management.

Very difficult to know what to say as we can only vaguely guess at how she views her own diabetes, but clearly the impression she gives is that she is not in good control. It would be great if you could get her or your brother to join up here so we could find out a few more details.

 

[Robster65]

HI

As Northerner says, it can be very difficult to manage, even after 30 years, and it can be debilitating for short periods, depending on the regime of treatment. Hypos (low blood sugar which requires immediate attention) can come on at the most inconvenient times.

That said, it can be used sometimes for emotional control and manipulation, as I did when I was young and I'm sure have done in more recent years.

Beyond that, it would difficult to advise without knowing a lot more about her and her situation, which I would guess is beyond the realms of the forum and may seem intrusive.

Rob

 

[Steff]

Hi there welcome to the forum it is nice you have joined on here shows you care for both your brother and his wife, like has been already said we cant know the full background to her diabetes etc etc.Many people handle diabetes diffirently some choose to act like its not there others treat it head on,maybe she is crying out for help when you say she does not even like him going out to work she is now retired and of course can be very lonely for her....I guess if you could get your brother to come on it could be a start he can explain things,,maybe even the lady herself.....

 

[chrismbee]

Regardless of the state of the relationship, this lady needs help and support in order to sort her health out and this site/forum is a great place to start.
Having left my first wife some years ago, I don't envy your brother, or the emotional turmoil that he may be in at the moment - it's an incredibly hard time for all concerned. Personally, I have never used diabetes as an excuse for anything, but (as I have mentioned in another post) we are all different and there is no doubt that some may "use" a condition to avoid confronting difficult times.
Ultimately, the fairest thing is to help your partner in times of genuine crisis; the decision to terminate a relationship has to be on the grounds of (permanently) irreconcilable differences, rather than a temporary frustration.
Perhaps some straight talking, maybe in the presence of an independent mediator (I found "Relate" very helpful in this respect) would help to establish whether this lady has sinister intentions or whether she is genuinely struggling with her diabetes.
However - and this is important - being held to ransom doesn't save relationships, at least in the long term and to everybody's satisfaction.
Finally (nearly off my soap box!), even though I decided to walk away from my own marriage, I will always counsel people to seek any/every solution to mend the relationship, provided that it is in fact repairable; that results in the least heartache for all concerned.