Am I a real man?

Chris Hobson

Well-Known Member
Relationship to Diabetes
Type 2
I thought that this was funny, from the Daily Mash.

Kicking a football back, and five other challenges to your masculinity​

15th April 2021
man-kicking-football-2.jpg

BEING a bloke comes with a hideous array of unreasonable expectations. Consider yourself a failure as a man if you fall foul of any of the following:
Kicking a football back to kids in the park


You’ve always been shit at football, but it doesn’t matter now you’re a middle-aged office worker. Until your attempt to kick a ball back 10 yards goes horribly awry and you feebly hook it in the wrong direction. And a new generation of spotty youths laugh.

Being a shit swimmer
Masculine men do a powerful front crawl like David Hasselhoff in Baywatch. You pathetically doggy-paddle your way through the shallow end before clinging to the side for dear life.
Being scared of spiders
The eight-legged nemesis you can never admit to. Because while it’s OK for women to scream and stand on a chair, it’s your job as a man to shut your eyes and flail at it with a shoe, before realising you can’t see it anymore, then spend the rest of the night terrified it’s somehow in your hair or crawled up your trouser leg.
Not being able to drive
It never occurred to you how inadequate you’d feel in adult life by never having got the hang of driving a car and catching buses everywhere. Rue the day you gave up on your teenage driving lessons before asking a real man for a lift into town.
Never having got a tattoo
Only hard bastards and Popeye used to have tattoos. Now they’re practically the law for alpha males like professional footballers and rock stars. It’s far too late in life now, and anyway you’re petrified of needles, so just resign yourself to feeling woefully, if illogically, inferior.
Being short
Not your fault, but other people make you feel like it is. Not to mention ‘witty’ jibes like ‘Hope this conversation isn’t going over your head, John’. Sadly there’s no way to win here – even if you get a high-powered, well-paid job and skilfully deal with onerous responsibilities, the morons you’re in charge of will still mutter about ‘short man syndrome’.

I have hated football since being forced to play it at school. I consider it a badge of honour to not be the kind of mental deficient who find it interesting. Oddly, if it is only a matter of returning the ball to the kids, I can actually kick a football accurately. So no insecurities there.

I am a confident swimmer, I'm not afraid of spiders and I can drive so still OK.

Not having a tattoo is just about not following the herd. I'm of average height.

Obviously we are being very tongue in cheek here, what other insecurities do guys have that make them afraid that they might not be a real man?
 

trophywench

Well-Known Member
Relationship to Diabetes
Type 1
Afraid in the eye of this female beholder none of that matters eg tattoos - like jewellery - less = more as long as it is beautifully executed and presented.

And a well presented bum says a lot more to me than the size of a penis for instance - being a naturist I get to see quite a lot more of both of those than a lot of women - and much like ladies' busts to men - much more than a handful is wasted, where chaps' buttocks are concerned too for me!
 

Anitram

Well-Known Member
Relationship to Diabetes
Type 2
How about watching a movie with a scene that makes you well up, eg The Champ. I defy anyone to watch the end of that with dry eyes.
 

Chris Hobson

Well-Known Member
Relationship to Diabetes
Type 2
I cried when my daughter Hannah was born. I think that it was partly the release of tension as first born babies do take quite a while to squeeze out. Also, it wasn't possible to determine the sex from the scans and the Hobson sperm has a tendency to produce only boys, so a girl was a bit of a shock.

In other news, I'm 62 but I do keep myself in shape so I do still have a fairly pert bum.
 

C&E Guy

Well-Known Member
Relationship to Diabetes
Type 1
Being able to wire a plug

Being able to saw a piece of wood, in a straight line

Being able to lift something heavy

Being able to read a map

Enjoying a hot curry

Admiring proper footballers like Ron "Chopper" Harris and Norman "Bites Your Leg" Hunter

Being able to remove a large tree from your garden

Your favourite film is The Dambusters
 

adrian1der

Well-Known Member
Relationship to Diabetes
Type 2

Andy HB

Senior Member
Relationship to Diabetes
Type 2
Not asking for directions when not sure how to get somewhere (i.e. lost, but not wanting to admit it).

Able to wear shorts and a t-shirt when the wife is complaining that the house is too cold.
 

Nayshiftin

Well-Known Member
Relationship to Diabetes
Type 2
How about watching a movie with a scene that makes you well up, eg The Champ. I defy anyone to watch the end of that with dry eyes.
you are allowed to be human and to me, that shows more guts than a man who denies it. I'll never say I like to hear or see a man cry but well up yea, mind, I don't like to see anyone or anything cry so not much of the good mother or nurse as was am I.
 

rebrascora

Well-Known Member
Relationship to Diabetes
Type 1
I'm starting to be concerned that I might be a closet "real man".... except that my favourite film is Pretty Woman and I always stop and ask someone if I am struggling to find a place.
 

Chris Hobson

Well-Known Member
Relationship to Diabetes
Type 2
Being reluctant to ask for directions is a very logical position to take. The totally random person that you ask may not be local, or may not have a clue. Even if you do, by chance find someone who knows the way to where you need to go, they could be an awful communicator. They could be a good communicator but you will find it impossible to memorise a long list of lefts, rights and local landmarks in the short time available. Asking for directions is a terrible way to get were you want to go. Luckily we now have satnav which is mostly reliable.
 
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