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I messed up

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Mrs Mad Ronin

Mrs Mad Ronin

Well-Known Member
Relationship to Diabetes
Type 2
I have messed up and now i am scared (quite rightly so) and just so angry with myself 😡

This past week or so, we shall say a fortnight just to be sure, i have eaten badly. Carb intake has been high, sugary hasn't been great but all in all my eating has caused levels of between 15 - 25. I am scared of the long term issues, as well as the short term. Scared i won't live to be a lovely old age etc and trying to get my head in the game.

I know exactly way i have been eating like this, it is no excuse whatsoever and i am ashamed. On Monday 16th it will be 2 years since we had to turn my dad's ventilator off. For the past 4 weeks i have been reliving my dad's final 7 weeks in ICU, in a coma and fighting for his life. Each day getting calls asking mum and i too rush in. He was fighting double pneumonia, his kidneys failing etc. I have basically because of the anniversary been reliving it and so i have been conforting eating. NO DAMN EXCUSE FOR IT!!!

I don't want sympathy, this isn't why i am posting. But the slightest thing and i turn to food. I can do well for weeks/months then crash. Crash for about a fortnight. I HATE IT! and i'm not sure how to stop it. I keep telling myself off, telling myself what will happen etc it works to a point.

My new DN isn't helpful, my partner is unhelpful, he tries but because of his own problems i am able to hide things from him and make it so he doesn't know how bad it is. Or to be honest, i don't think he grasps how serious things can get if i don't stop having high BS.

I'm so good at other areas in life, but this. Nope, i fail.
 
Sounds like you need a plan. At the moment it seems that you are aware that you are making poor choices, but perhaps you are not really aware of the magnitude. I'd suggest starting a food diary - just spend those few minutes each day, every time you eat, to note it down. Just taking the time to write it down will make you think more about it at the time. Think about what you are eating and spend a minute or two trying to think if there is a better alternative - the distraction may help you to reconsider, and perhaps you can turn to a different coping strategy, like reading a book or playing a game.

Don't think of yourself as a failure, just as someone who hasn't yet designed a strategy to deal with this problem - you've recognised it, which is the first step, now plan to overcome it 🙂
 
I know you said no sympathy, but what you had to do was the stuff of nightmares and not something you walk away from. You know what you are doing wrong and you want to get back on track. That is amazing in itself and shows that you have the courage to recognise it and deal with it. Probably some of the high level is caused by stress and grief and is not just the food. Food diary is a brilliant idea. Why not try taking small steps. Plan each meal carefully and write it down, then tick it off when you have achieved it. Put your relapses behind you and recognise the strength that you have. Keep thinking positively, you have done this before and can do it again. Good luck and sending you positive thoughts and hugs {}. Take care and keep us posted on how you get on. 🙂
 
Mrs M I've been wondering how to put this all night, and there's no delicate way so here goes. Have you considered that you're not using food for comfort, but maybe you're punishing yourself with food? They key to stopping a piece of behaviour you don't like is knowing why you do it in the first place. I might be entirely wrong but emotional eating is rarely about comfort in my opinion and more about swallowing your feelings (I was an emotional eater, before that an emotional smoker, probably an emotional drinker, do you see my pattern 🙂). For a very long time and for reasons it's best not to go into on here I felt I wasn't really worth very much, and I was angry, instead of focusing the anger on him, I focused the anger on myself. I don't think I knew how to be angry, I was scared of my temper (it's pretty scary all told to be honest) and well it was easier to punish myself because it must have been my fault mustn't it? I knew on some level the things I was doing were hurting me, but still my immediate instinct was to do those things because my brain had learned that was how to deal with that particular emotion. My nickname wasn't the ice maiden for nothing you know, I did a mean line in quiet control on the surface and simmering rage underneath. I hope you don't mind me posing this question, it just occurred to me that whilst you're clearly angry with yourself for eating, it seems from what you've written that that might not be the full story. Feel free to ignore my ramblings, file it the useless advice pile if it is just that. I will just say this though, you are hurting yourself, and you know that's what you're doing, and you know you want to stop. Finding out why you "need" to hurt yourself, whatever the reason gives you power. I for one know you're a powerful, wonderful lady who can do whatever she puts her mind to, I'm not much good at tough love, or sympathy (the ice maiden lives 🙂) and for the life of me I can't do a virtual hug, but I know strength when I see it.
 
I'm very fortunate not have been through such a distressing experience as you describe but have allowed lesser events from my past to shape how I feel about myself, life and my variability of mood and behavior.

At a low point last year I found the motivation to do something about it and spent time with a counselor in order to try to resolve how I feel about my past and how I can prevent the past having undue influence on the present. I've really benefited from the experience.

Emphasising again that I've not had to live through such a difficult experience as you describe with the passing of you father, I still wonder if maybe counseling might help you find ways of resolving some of how you feel about the experience or at least how you manage those feelings?
 
I did wonder the same as Kcat when I read your post, Mrs Mad.

I had binge-eating disorder for ten years and finally read a book called Overcoming Overeating (written by 2 psychologists: Jane Hirschman and Carol Munter) which explained that what I was doing was 'eating my emotions instead of feeling them'. It was a massive revelation for me!

It's a horrible feeling, not being able to stop bingeing and beating yourself up about it too. This is just my story, but maybe it's what's causing your problem-eating.

And I'm sorry to hear about what you went through with your dad. You're obviously a very courageous person. If I can find the strength to 'beat the binge' (I'm a wimp, btw), I'm sure that you can. 😱
 
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Try not to beat yourself up, my sugar has been all over the place since Christmas, I packed up smoking ( only smoked in my teens ) I packed up drinking ( was a big drinker ) but this sugar is the hardest one for me to try and crack ..... best of luck .
 
Thank you for the responses and i truely mean that from the bottom of my heart. It means alot that i can come here, be honest and know that i won't be judged, yelled at, put down or anything. Just given support and advice.

KookyCat, you are right and i am glad you mentioned it. I'd prefer to hear things whether it's good or not (so long as it's put right lol). My dad and the trauma of that experience is my excuse right now to punish myself. Before that i had 3 other major traumas that each happened and when they did, food was the way i coped. I always blame myself, i always hate myself and punish myself for each trauma, when the reality is none of them were my fault. I couldn't have prevented them, i couldn't have done anything differently in all of them all but one.

I punish myself for things that are beyond my control, then my anxiety kicks in and makes it worse. I think you are completely spot on.

Bloden - Thank you, i am going to look into that book you mentioned 🙂

Pete H - Keep at it, it's a blooming struggle, but one we will both get on top off 🙂

John D M - I have had counselling for many of my experiences and CBT. Unfortunately they work short term (upto a few years) but never long term. Maybe i need a top up. Thank you 🙂

Happydog and Northerner - Just a huge thank you. As always you are both honest, helpful and just down right awesome :D
 
Are we not all so lucky that we can 'speak' to people on this forum without being ridiculed and put down? I really would not have managed the problems I have had recently had it not been for the advice and support that I have received on here.
 
Mrs Ronin. If I had a pound for every time I have had that conversation with myself!!!.
When you have a food addiction, which we have, don't delude yourself, we can come up with all the excuses in the world to justify our actions. Part of the problem is now we are diabetic we know how badly this is affecting our long term health. Before we were the ones in control now diabetes is in control and we don't like it. I hate it when anyone says all you have to do is........... or keep a food diary. They have't a clue. We know how to do it right. We could write a book on how to do it right but there are times and I cannot explain why you just lose control and eat everything in site. Don't be too hard on yourself. Its done. Stop dwelling on it. Remember you have not failed until you stop trying. I know exactly how you feel.
 
????????. Am I missing something
 
Oh Sorry lol. I didn't read all the previous posts.
 
lots of hugs, Mrs M, been there, got the t shirt, have had three goes at a longer reply without it descending into a three page ramble, but KookyCat has expressed it far more eloquently than I could have done.
I agree, Bobbie, food diaries only work when things are going well. When you're in a bad place, the diary just gets thrown out of the window with all the rest of rational thought. the only answer is, when things start to feel better, go and retrieve it out of the flowerbed and start over.
 
I agree Robin . All you can do is start over and keep starting over. Hopefully the blips, while not disappearing will become less and less.
 
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