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Terrible terrible jokes!

My neighbors banged on my door at 3:30 am last night. Can you believe that? Luckily, I was still up, playing my guitar. They shouted "how about a little respect?"
I said, "honestly I'm not a big Aretha Franklin fan, but okay. This one's for you!"
 
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Why did Cinderella get kicked off the football team? Because she kept running from the ball!

How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!

I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I ever saw!
 
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

A computer once beat me at chess. But it was no match for me at kickboxing.
 
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Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent.

Where do polar bears keep their money? In a snowbank.

What did the triangle say to the circle? You’re pointless.
 
My wife and I have decided to get rid of some plants in our garden after reading that sitting under them causes breathing difficulties which can be fatal. I'll miss those water lilies, though.
 
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Did you hear about the hungry clock? - He went back four seconds.

Two peanuts were walking through a dark alley. - One was assaulted.
 
My wife just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much she loves him.
Held his face in her hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses.
Then left the room.
I'm sitting right next to the dog. :(
 
What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu?

Answer: One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.
 
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