Worried for my friend

[MeganN]

Hi

This is totally unrelated to diabetes I just wanted a bit if advice.

A friend of mine who is very young has just been told that his gf is pregnant wih what she is claiming to be his child. Now this girl was pregnant when he started dating her but had an abortion which he went with her to for support. She the. Proceeded to tell him that she had had the coil implanted to protect them from an unwanted pregnancy. She has now admitted that she didn't have the coil done and is saying her pregnancy is done to him.

My question is how long after an abortion is the earliest you could easily get pregnant again? Does your body need healing time etc??

We are worried that she didn't go through wih the abortion and is now trying to make our friend take responsibility for a child that is not his!!

Any advice welcome

 

[Lizzzie]

My advice to you would be that it sounds as though we have a very complicated situation here, involving a woman whose emotions must be in shreds whatever the story. Big decisions are going to be made and they are also very personal decisions: by all means support your friend but do not make these decisions for him. Making the woman feel more threatened and afraid will make it harder to sort things out, so beware making accusations.

Yes I'm sure women can get pregnant again fairly quickly (ice known people do so after a miscarriage) but it's probable that if your friend wants the facts, he can ask her to see the report from a dating scan. Jumping to conclusions is harsh.

It's an issue that will need delicate handling and support for the lady: the main priority is to see that she is getting it somehow.

 

[Lizzzie]

Meanwhile, I guess he will need a friendly ear, too.

 

[MeganN]

What's worrying is she is only 16 and this is her 3rd pregnancy. 2 of which she has had terminated. Hence why I'm finding it hard not to judge her.

Plus it was plain wrong of her to lie about the coil and then ask him not to use condoms because she apparently doesn't like them.

 

[Lizzzie]

I also think it was wrong if this is what happened and would be inwardly judging her too.....

However, we have all done 'wrong' things in our lives. I don't think I could handle an abortion now, let alone at 16, and whatever her situation now you can bet your bottom dollar that she doesnt want to be there and she's in a very vulnerable state.

Ideally she needs to talk to professionals to establish a) if definitely and how pregnant (and therefore, who to and b) if so, what to do next and c) if nothing else, to discuss contraception in the future. I understand that coils are a bit uncomfortable to fit and i can understand someone gating condoms but there are other options: injections / implants.

Obviously this doesn't make life v nice for your mate, but if she can feel secure (and all the above are vital, whoever the father) the two of them will stand a better chance of sorting the situation out.

 

[Lizzzie]

I suppose the thing is, that she may feel she has just 'wrecked' her life and you might say this is her fault, but then you have to think that there may be at least 2 more lives that could be 'wrecked' or prevented or otherwise in thus situation, one of which isn't even capable or being innocent of guilty yet, and the best needs to be done to protect all 3 interests.

 

[MeganN]

I think the pregnancy was deliberate on her part considering she is only 16 and already has a 1yr old little girl.

 

[Twitchy]

Hate to say this, but it all comes down to choices - he's presumably over the age of consent which implies that he's old enough to figure out that there's almost no way of having sex without a small chance of conception, so he made an informed choice to do something that could potentially put him in this situation in the first place. Therefore he has to deal with it now. As for the 'Is she being manipulative' etc question, all I can say from the experience of watching my dad over the decades is that if the man in question wants to make a fool of himself / be used / be a meal ticket etc etc etc there is absolutely nothing in the world you can do. Whatever you say will be taken as sour grapes or sh*t stirring, your motives will be questioned & your relationship damaged. Trust me on this. At the end of the day in a situation like this you just have to accept that from the outside you can't know all the facts for certain, you also don't know how much he knows & what he feels about it deep down - sometimes people accept compromises in relationships that we wouldn't. But again, that has to be his choice- it's his & her relationship after all. If it were a question of donestic violence & mental or physical abuse it would be different, but unfortunately there are no laws to protect people from making what might seem like bad relationship decisions, they really have to figure that one out for themselves. If you really care about him, I suggest all you can do is be ready to pick up the pieces if it goes wrong, or be glad for him if it comes good. Best of luck... Xx

 

[Lizzzie]

Which of a) being 16 and b) already having a little girl, makes you more likely to get pregnant deliberately?

Not saying she hasn't, just that labelling her as a 'type' and resenting will do nothing for your friend.

 

[MeganN]

Lizzie it's the abortion along with getting pregnant again immediately that baffles me.

We are not telling him to leave her or be nasty or not be a dad etc we are just concerned wether it is his or not. (On Xmas eve she disappeared for a day with her ex and refused to contact our friend) we are just concerned. Not forcing our views at him.

 

[Twitchy]

Your concern is, I'm sure well meant, but what realistically do you think you can achieve as an outsider to this relationship? At some point there will be a dating scan which will presumably pin down when the baby was conceived, unless you're suggesting that the day she 'disappeared' was the time? In which case where do you draw the line - must she account for every absent time over 5 mins? Whether this guy is so naive he can't count, or under the evil influence of her seduction, or actually making an informed decision to love this girl & father her child whether it bears his dna or not - why are you so involved? I'm sorry, I really don't mean to be unkind, but a lot of people would say it just isn't any of your business...& if you do meddle & split them up, you've created a situation where a child potentially misses out on a dad & grows up in extremely vulnerable circumstances with a very young & maybe very vulnerable (by naivety, stupidity, whatever, I don't know her but she doesn't sound terrifically together!!) mum on her own. It's blooming hard enough wrangling 2 kids in a stable situation, but I can't imagine trying ut on my own at such a young age. Whatever your feelings anout her surely the kids involved deserve compassion? What is your motivation here? Please, take a long hard look at why this situation is upsetting you so much - you can't / shouldn't meddle in the situation (it's not your relationship after all), but you might be able to resolve why it makes you feel so negative, & maybe be able to do something positive about that.

 

[novorapidboi26]

I personally would have no problems judging her..........you can tell straight away what kind of person she is...............however the plain facts should come out if she decides to keep the baby, through scans etc.........a conception date can be worked out from them........

Do you all honestly think she is vulnerable...........she is careless and sloppy, and doesn't have the skills to function in adult relationship, that might not be her fault necessarily.......

I hope my opinion doesn't offend.......🙂

Does your friend have the same concerns as you.....?

 

[Twitchy]

Nrb, take a look at the bbc news website story titled something like 'girl forced to have abortion' - if someone from outside looked at that kid's situation they might just assume she was 'just a slapper' but the reality is that she was totally messed up & let down by the system. we don't know this 16 year old but whilst it's possible this might all be a machiavellian plot to ensnare the young lad equally she might just be a basket case (for whatever reason) & yes, I think she could be vulnerable. She might not be but the case remains that technically 3 minors (her, the 1 yr old & the unborn baby) are in a pig of a mess. Jumping to worst case conclusions won't help, & what if the op has got it all horribly wrong through clouded judgement (not saying she has, just presenting a possibility)? If the young lad involved is mentally capable surely it's up to him to decide who he dates? I may be biassed, my mum was a single parent before she met my dad & ultimately years down the line sh*t stirring outsiders who probably claimed they were only concerned destroyed our family. It's so easy to jump to conclusions from outside. Just my opinion of course 😱 & I'm going to step back from this thread now before I offend anyone lol. (or offend anyone more maybe!)

 

[novorapidboi26]

I suppose my opinion comes from the other side of the fence, where by family members and friends have had children, when really they were never ready, and now its too late to turn back time, fortunately I don't know this person.......🙄

Why did she say she was getting contraceptive then not do it?

Do you think that was a result of the emotional turmoil she was under?....

 

[Lizzzie]

I'm not saying what she has done (if indeed she has) is acceptable; I'm not saying lying about contaception is right BUT you can't do anything about it. The situation exists. The question was, what now?

You tell me what iota of help it is going to be to that child if the only stable-seeming man in the mother's life, the authorities, even other members of the public who label the woman 'that type of woman' don't help her out? Would you be ever so suprised if she struggled with two kids,lived on whatever benefits she could scrape, couldn't cope, the kids got into drugs, went out at a young age and got pregnant, and the whole cycle happened again?

What is important is, that the best possible future for the child can be arranged and some sort of stability. You'd never be in her situation? well, bully for you!!! But if you encourage animosity between this man and her, you might give him a good excuse to walk away but you are encouraging him to leave a huge mess behind.

That said if I'd been the bloke at 16 I don't think I could have stayed with her. But he CAN see that she gets care, real support about contraception (whatever you say about it 'should' get through, the message obviously hasn't, which is rather the point) and some kind if emotional support before he goes.

I don't think any of that would cost him much financially and might him feel a hell of a lot better.